Do yourself a favor...

...and find Legend of Eight Samurai (articles may or may not be in this title).

1. 1980s action flick from Japan.
2. Bad English dubbing that not only doesn't match up to lips, but changes samurai to ninja.
3. Quotable lines like, "Show me your crystals."
4. Bad special effects on the level of Power Rangers.
5. Competent fight sequences (martial arts?--awesome!)
6. A guy with no pants and short tunic.
7. Over two hours of enjoyment.
8. Soft rock theme song. Just watch the trailer:

9. How have you not bought this yet?