The Sexiest Men Alive According to Kelsy This Year

I know my readers were all, "Kelsy, when are you going to create a response post to your sister's 'The Sexiest Men Alive According to Lauren This Year' post and People's Sexiest Men Alive issue?" Well folks, here it is. I tried to keep my choices relevant to 2011 and what work these fellas did in the time. Enjoy:

Jake Johnson (Nick from New Girl, or Bootleg Ruffalo): Look, he makes Zooey Deschanel's Jess tolerable, which is a rare feat indeed.

Sexual tension and Christmas: two of my favorite things.

Donald Glover (Troy from Community, Childish Gambino, that one time his poster was in Awkward Black Girl): He manages to be dumb-funny and smart-funny at the same time.

Also, Donald took the one good thing about Bruce Springsteen (the white shirt/jeans/red thing in pocket look) and put it to work.

Ryan Gosling (hipster boyfriend/husband in Blue Valentine, impeccable dressed playboy in Crazy Stupid Love, the Driver in Drive): the kid's been all over the place this year, but he's earning his keep. Except in The Ides of March, but I'm going to have to blame that on the insufferable Evan Rachel Wood and really mediocre filmmaking.

Sporting the beard that makes The Notebook watchable.

Robert Sheehan (Nathan from Misfits, the less stupid brother in Killing Bono): I like an Irish accent and a goofy sense of humor. The curly hair, dreamy eyes, and skinny body are just gravy.

Serious face.

Adam Scott (Ben from Parks and Rec): I could watch him make an "Are you kidding me?" face all day, when he's not making cute, lovey faces at Leslie Knope.

Seriously, are you kidding me?

Mark Foster (frontman of Foster the People): This dude is the epitome of goofy-hot. He's got David Byrne syndrome on stage, but is infectiously fun. Plus, he made an adorable pair with Gabourey Sidibe in Foster's "Don't Stop (Color on the Walls)" video, because two adorable people make a lot of adorable.

He also pulls off perma-greasy hair.

James McAvoy (X-Men: First Class): For smoldering eyes and great chemistry with every co-star he has ever had, from the wooden Keira Knightly to the also sexy Michael Fassbender.


Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock): I just love smart assholes.

The epitome of British hot, which is another way of saying goofy-hot, but also British.

Lyman Johnson (White Jay on Awkward Black Girl): Awkward is way better than boring Fred.


Michael Fassbender (X-Men: First Class, Jane Eyre): For the self-assured smoldering eyes.

Mmm, disheveled 19th Century realness.

Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter franchise): For getting through puberty and turning out hot as well as being one of the few characters I still cared about by the end of Deathly Hallows Part 2.

Nice Cardigan

Damon Wayans, Jr. (Brad from Happy Endings and the black roommate from the pilot of New Girl): Talk about goofy humor, his physical comedy is perfection. Plus, he knows his Gilmore Girls.

Also loves Indecent Proposal-ing.


"Thinking About You" from worst to best

So, here's a Justin Bieber ft. Jaden Smith cover of Frank Ocean's "Thinking About You":

This is an American tragedy.

Even this Angie Davis character gets it better than these two teen heartthrobs (is Jaden a heartthrob yet? Has the Smith family forced him upon our innocent tweens enough for that to happen?):

And these sweet harmonies from Christian, Tim, Anton & Harry:

How about these guys called Twilite acoustically bringing their game:

Or even this way too attractive Gabe Bondoc and his ukulele:

But nothing beats the original:

Frank Ocean - Thinking About You (music video) from High5Collective on Vimeo.


My old roommate said I reminded her of Zooey Deschanel on New Girl

Apparently, I go around singing things all the time (pretty accurate), but I can guarantee my hair doesn't look that good, I don't have as big of a selection of vintage dresses, and I'm socially competent. I AM NOT ZOOEY DESCHANEL. Ahem. Anyway, I just marathoned a bunch of episodes, and I guess I'll go with that comparison as long as it means I can have a Nick in my life:


Just don't make me be as obnoxious as Zooey Deschanel. It would make my already depressing life that much worse. Here, let me distract you from my emo moment with this terrible shipper video:

*Or, as my friend calls him, Bootleg Mark Ruffalo.


What I learned from Babes in Toyland (1961)

1. All fairytales take place in one location: town square.

2. Talking trees aren't just for JRR Tolkein.

3. Annette Funicello has the acting capacity of January Jones.

4. 1960s children's films are probably better if you're on acid.

5. In the words of YouTube commenter slut4berniesanders :
"The worst part about having your beloved fiance die is that there's no one around to do math for you! Am I right, ladies??"

6. Good villain flunkies are hard to come by.

7. Good physical comedy is also hard to come by.

8. I'm attracted to any/all young, haphazard scientists. See also Beast from X-Men: First Class before he mutated.

Sexy Grumio.

9. Male love interests cross-dressing as gypsy fortune tellers is always a good idea. See also Jane Eyre.

10. If you're going to be villain, pussfooting is occasionally a good idea.

11. The best way to make children less obnoxious in a movie is to cut them out of the movie during key action scenes.


Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of December 3, 2011

Another month and more dance beats have entered the charts. Let's check it out.

10. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry
Another catchy song from Katy Perry. At least it's not "Someone Like You"-level sad given the dance beat. Plus, Diego Luna is pretty hot in the video, so I'll allow it.

9. "Take Care" by Drake featuring Rihanna
Rihanna owns my soul at this point. She's cranking out a lot of good songs lately, even in the midst of mediocre songs she's releasing. But damn, I'm liking this collaboration with Drake.

8. "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

7. "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida
This would be a great workout song, if I actually worked out. I have to say I'm just glad someone is sampling a recent house artist for the chorus rather than covering overplayed indie hits from the Garden State soundtrack era. Sorry, that's been weighing on my mind lately.

6. "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
Still around.

5. "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars
I'm too distracted by Bruno Mars' Jason Priestly hair in this video to comment on how perfect this song choice is for the Breaking Dawn: Part 1 soundtrack.

4. "Without You" by David Guetta featuring Usher
I for one welcome the return of dance pop songs. At least pop music is serving a purpose (spontaneous dance parties) in addition to being candy music these days.

3. "Someone Like You" by Adele
Not enough "I can't" in the world.

2. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO
I don't hate this song as much as I used to. The "wiggle" breakdown is just so ridiculous, you have to admire a grown person for putting it in a song.

1. "We Found Love" by Rihanna
Haven't gotten sick of it yet.


Clark Gable Realness

Robert Donat seems to be the British answer to Clark Gable's Peter Warne (It Happened One Night) in The 39 Steps, tweed suit and all. 39 Steps starts out as a fairly serious film with a few wisecracks and ends up being downright screwball, albeit with a large helping of Hitchcock's "wrongfully accused" sauce. Consider me charmed.

Anyway, here's an excuse to compare some great mustaches of the 1930s from both Donat and Gable.

Donat ended up surprisingly sassy in The 39 Steps playing against Madeleine Carroll.

Um, the most serious picture I have of Gable and Colbert.

This has got to be the least obnoxious "hand-cuffed together" story line I've ever seen. Was this one of the first?

But I think It Happened One Night wins out in the end since you get to see these two spar for the better part of the movie, what with the donut dunking and all.


Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of November 5, 2011

Hope you're recovered from Halloween. I, myself, got wild by eating leftovers and watching TV with my boyfriend. Now that I'm back to full strength (boredom?), let's look at this week's Billboard Hot 100 top 10.

10. "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock
I'm pretty sure I speak for the nation when I say, "Over it."

9. "Make Me Proud" by Drake featuring Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj proves once again she's better as a featured artist on a song than a solo act. Also, college is hot.

8. "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship featuring Sabi
I'll keep this song around. It's a pretty solid choice for shameless dance parties.

7. "Without You" by David Guetta featuring Usher
If Ugly Betty was still on, this would have been used in the final montage of every episode.

6. "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine
Okay, just stop playing this song. Thx.

5. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People
You'd think a month would be long enough to have more of a shake-up on the Billboard list than it has been. Anyway, I'm also over this song.

4. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO
Ugh, this song also is still existing. At least I can say I never liked it in the first place.

3. "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
There may have been a sibling sing-along to this song last weekend. Deal with it.

2. "We Found Love" by Rihanna
There's nothing to this song. It's the same 3 chords on a keyboard over and over, the same melody over and over with no bridge or chorus, the beat only occasionally changes or drops out, and obnoxious siren-y sounds show up sometimes. But I also can't stop listening to this sing. Damnit, Rihanna, why do I like you right now?

1. "Someone Like You" by Adele
Sorry about your vocal folds, Adele. This song is still annoying, though, since your style of music can be played on 75% of all radio stations, and usually on 2+ stations at one time. May your vocal rest slow the release of any more R&B/Pop/Adult Contemporary albums.



For, like, an episode. It was far and away the bright spot of season 4 episode 15, "The Paper Chase," where Ben is being douchey and boring about his baby with Dr. Cuddy, and Felicity is cheating on a paper, and everyone is saying too much before knowing what the situation is. (Does anyone ever walk into a room and say, "Before you say anything" or "I know what this is about"? That's just asking to make a situation worse.)

Jane Lynch: rocking the same haircut for at least the last decade.


How to survive grad school: Part 2


What it is
Food that's not technically a meal, but let's be honest, it usually replaces a meal.

How it will help you survive grad school
The thing about terrible things is that they're often improved by food. I've found that snacking is both a way to procrastinate homework and a way to get through it. Need a break? Walk out to the kitchen and grab something to eat. Even just opening random cabinets and the fridge helps delay work on an assignment. Need to motivate yourself? Small, bite-sized snacks can provide enough incentive to get through that next paragraph where you are required to overly explain your reasoning. Plus, snacking is a great way to stay awake when you don't want to down an energy drink, even when you're bored to tears.

These are tried and true snacking favorites.

1. Popcorn
Anyone who has been my roommate since 2007 knows my deep love of popcorn. I loved using a roommate's air popper so much, she bought me one when I was moving out. This was one of the best presents I have ever been given.

If preparing popcorn with an air popper, you can either melt down butter (WARNING: using margarine or other fake butters end up weird with layers of oil when melted) or use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray. Melted butter is obviously the more delicious choice, but the I Can't Believe...spray is good when you're lazy or pretending to be healthy. I've found half a scoop full of kernels is a good snack portion and a full scoop is good for a meal. Basically, pour/spray on the butter while shaking a bowl or paper bag of popped popcorn. Then sprinkle in salt while still shaking. With practice, you can get the ratio right for your tastes.

If you're even lazier, you can just do microwave popcorn. My favorite? Pop Secret Homestyle. It doesn't have that weird 94% fat free taste or make you feel greasy. If you're trying not to eat popcorn for dinner, Orville Redenbacher's minibags are a pretty good portion.

2. Dried fruit
Also known as nature's crack, dried fruit is just as delicious as real fruit, but often sugarier and less juicy (leading to less mess). Trader Joe's is a great place to get everything from craisins to dried mango for pretty cheap. This is another way to pretend you're healthy while eating an entire bag of bite-sized deliciousness that's probably rotting your teeth anyway.

3. Gum
Yeah, I know it's not a snack, but sometimes you've got to stop snacking, and you need to distract your mouth from the fact that you're not shoving food in your face anymore. My personal favorite is Orbit peppermint flavor. It keeps its flavor for about 45 minutes and never gets hard, even when you've been chewing it for over an hour.

4. Trail Mix
Yet another way to pretend you're healthy. Even the kinds with dried fruit in them also come chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, or butterscotch chips. But what can I say, it hits the sweet and savory spot. WARNING: probably contains delicious, delicious peanuts.

5. Tortilla Chips and Salsa
I've talk about this before (in fact, I've talked about snacking before), this is how important tortilla chips are to me. Long story short, Santita's are cheap ($2!) and delicious, but I'm willing to branch out if another chip is on sale. And I usually play salsa by ear, although Tostito's salsa is a pretty solid choice.

6. Other crackers/chips
Crackers are a way to pretend you're not eating chips, but really, you're just eating less greasy chips. Personal favorites include Goldfish, Wheat Thins, Ritz, and pretzels. Say you still want crazy chip flavors but don't want to stoop to Flamin' Hot Cheetos, then go with SunChips. That way you can both think you're healthy and that you're saving the environment by buying one of those recyclable bags (which, BTW, are effectively loud if you need to startle yourself awake). Might I recommend Garden Salsa?

7. Candy
Sometimes you just need to get through finals. Sometimes a bag of chocolate chips or a package of Starbursts are a way to do it. No need to apologize.

What are your favorite snacks? Did I leave any classics out?


What I learned from The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

1. The story of Leatherstocking is a little campy, no matter what the medium.

2. 18th Century muskets have perfect aim, especially sniping from far distances.

3. The name "Natty Bumppo" is clearly too ridiculous to use by the 1990s.

4. Possibly, Daniel Day-Lewis's wonky accent made the character of "Hawkeye"/"Nathaniel Poe" ridiculous even with the name change. I mean, he's a 20th Century British man trying to play a white man who was raised by Native Americans in the 18th Century. His accent swings from redneck to Dennis Quaid to Irish immigrant who has lived in modern-day America for several years. And why is the only contraction he uses "ain't"?

5. Action movies tell terrible love stories.

6. Unless they are unspoken B-plots that consist entirely of shots of one person looking at the other at any given time. At least then I don't feel like I'm supposed to care.

7. Eric Schweig was clearly the best part of this movie. He's very pretty. Let's take it in:

8. Fact: all British men who had settled in the Americas sounded way different than British men in the military by 1757.

9. This movie is vastly improved by use of slow motion*.

10. I agree with both Siskel and Ebert on their assessment of The Last of the Mohicans:

*To be fair, I'm a slow motion slut. This might explain why I love JJ Abrams so much.


You should probably watch this web series

The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl is so endearing, it reminded me that the word "awkward" still has a life to live. And that life is fraught with allusions to 90s movies, sweet jams, angry rapping, and cute white guys in plaid shirts at awkward parties. There are 8 episodes so far, and I have maybe watched the whole series a couple times in the last couple days (maybe episode 5, "The Dance" more times).

In .gif form, here are three reasons to watch (via):

Lady friends.

Awkward dance parties.

This guy ranting about Comic Sans font.

Start here:

Keep watching. Let me know how it goes.


Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of October 8, 2011

It's time to check back in with Billboard and see what the masses are listening to this month.

10. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO
Apparently these crazy kids are at it again, this time with something more blandly typical of the group. There isn't really a hook, and I would not recommend watching the music video. Seriously.

9. "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship featuring Sabi
I can't lie to you kids, this song is my new jam, and I can't stop listening to it. Unlike LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It," its electronic flavor works and backs up a well written pop song. And don't even get me started on how much I love the disco guitar strums in the second verse. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.

8. "Yoü and I" by Lady Gaga
Is anyone else freaked out that she has a version for your own hometown? In Seattle, she's actually singing about Seattle on Seattle radio and it weirds me out because HOW DOES SHE KNOW. Also, this isn't helping the fact that I find her to be just as mercenary as any other pop artist. I will admit that I'm delighted to find that "Mutt" Lange still has the late-90s, Shania Twain touch. But then I remember "you" is spelled with a umlaut, and then really I can't decide how I feel about this song.

7. "Cheers (Drink to That)" by Rihanna
Rihanna almost had me convinced I was a fan with dance singles like "Only Girl (In the Word)" and "S&M," but this generic, medium tempo schlock is disappointing. I mean, generic is the name of the pop game, but at least you could leave out A SAMPLE OF AVRIL LAVIGNE FROM "I'M WITH YOU." Ugh. Is that where we are? Sampling Avril Lavigne now?

6. "Lighters" by Bad Meets Evil featuring Bruno Mars
This song still exists.

5. "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine
The chorus is still the best part.

4. "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock
Remember LMFAO's one good song?

3. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People
Fact: this song has been out for over a year now. That's really all I have to say about it.

2. "Someone Like You" by Adele
I feel like this is one of those songs I would like better if I just had a breakup or was suffering from an epic unrequited love situation and then started weeping loudly for an hour listening to it on repeat shamelessly singing along and using a whole box of Kleenex to clean up the various liquids coming out of my face. As it is, I'm just glad it's not "Rolling in the Deep." And of course Adele sounds great.

1. "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
Really? Still number 1? The "moooOOOOoooooves" part is damn catchy, and y'all know I'm loving the disco guitar riffs, but it's so random. Whatever, I'll go with random over boring any day.


How to survive grad school: Part 1

Grad school is a great/terrible idea. You can learn more about things you like, make yourself more marketable, and most importantly procrastinate joining the real world. But it takes up all your time, causes you to acquire debt because who can afford this crap?, and may or may not be extremely challenging. I'm 98% done with grad school at this point, so I feel qualified to give some pointers on how to survive. So here is PART 1: TURQUOISE JEEP RECORDS.

Mmmmmmmm, Yung Humma.

What it is
If you haven't heard of Turquoise Jeep Records, you may not spend as much time trading YouTube videos with your friends via Gchat or Facebook as I do. Anyway, it's a collective of R&B and rap artists churning out brilliant and sexy hits that you will never hear on the radio because they are too awesome. This is the TJR's own description:

Turquoise Jeep Records was created for the masses. Traveling around the world we have heard so many songs but no one has been able to catch the people's ears like us.


Really, TJR is a reminder that sleazy and specific R&B is one of the greatest musical genres ever.

How it will help you survive grad school
Instead of procrastinating by staring at the wall, checking Facebook/Twitter every 10 seconds, or wandering to random buildings on campus in the hope that a new location will bring new motivation, watching and rewatching Turquoise Jeep Records videos will bring you so much happiness, you won't care that you'll be failing your midterm the next day. You'll have a Tummiscratch beat stuck in your brain instead.

Not all of their songs are great, but these are 6 of the Jeep's best and brightest.

1. "Fried or Fertilized" by Yung Humma featuring Flynt Flossy and Watchyamacallit
This is probably as good a primer as any of TJR's songs. Catchy, low budget music and video production, weirdly specific sexual references. Let's not talk about how many times I've tried to do the moves in this video.

2. "Can He Move It Like This" by Pretty Raheem featuring Flynt Flossy
For the solid colored suits alone, but stick around for Pretty Raheem and Flynt Flossy's dancing duet at the end.

3. "Go Grad My Belt" by Slick Mahoney
The 4 minutes of falsetto, the offensive sexism, the woman's dead eyes, Slick Mahoney's tortoiseshell glasses, and Tummiscratch's brilliant guitar solo really make this a quality song and video.

4. "Cavities" by Flynt Flossy, Pretty Raheem, and Whatchyamacallit
This song encapsulates why TJR is so brilliant: it sounds like a real song. And damn, it's catchy. But maybe try not to sing it public.

5. "Happy Sexgiving" by Yung Humma featuring WhatchyamacallitThe production values have gone up with the most recent song released by the Jeep, but the background special effects are just as amazing.

6. "Lemme Smang It" by Yung Humma featuring Flynt Flossy
This magical duo does it again in my favorite of all of Turquoise Jeep Record's smangers. It has its own dance and everything.

Keep the Jeep ridin'!


Drive is 2011

We live in a time that self-consciously chooses it's references and influences while keeping out of the genre of parody. Some might call it pastiche, I call it clever. In television, you get Community which subtly and often blaringly uses pop culture references to create an original story. In music, you get synth-heavy bands that recall glossy 80s synth or decades-old dance beats, but feel original for using old technology in new ways. In film, you get Drive (2011) that uses some 80s touches, but doesn't wink at its references. It uses them with a straight face, adding some glitz to a minimalist and dark film that recalls a 60s or 70s thriller more than anything else. The Wikipedia article goes into even more detail of its referential-ness.

The mash-up of eras in and of itself isn't entirely modern, but here are some things Drive manages to do that seem relevant to current pop culture's meta-obsession:

Dress characters in hipster-lite fashion. Maybe it's because I live in Seattle that I think this is relevant because people tend to just wear random crap together that don't make sense because they're pulling from so many different eras. But I mean, you can even shop at Forever 21 and do the same thing. Anyway, it's prevalent. Observe:

Satin jacket, 1980s-does-1950s/60s style? Check.

Floral anything in a flowy/rayon-like fabric from the 90s? Done. (Although looks kind of 40s in influence with the sweetheart neckline. SO MANY ERAS OF FASHION).

Tossing in random 80s shit just because you can. Dare I draw a comparison to the sax solo in "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" and the font choice for Drive's credits?

Hot pink 80s cursive? Check!

Also 80s, the synth-heavy soundtrack. I think the 80s are a particularly rough decade to hearken back to with any degree of restraint given its reputation of being the greediest, tackiest, cocaine-fueled, big hair, glossy-on-the-outside decade ever*, but Drive uses the decade as shorthand for a detached sense of humanity** (is there anything more inhuman than synthesizers?). The music used in the film sound like what many indie bands have been doing for years and many popular artists are currently using: taking back the synth line.

Anyway, my point is this: Drive manages to be the most pop culturally relevant film I've seen since who knows when. People will actually be able to look back at this film and say, "This is so 2010s" without talking about the special effects, use of 3-D, drained color palette, manic pixie dream girl, superhero origin story, or hallow romantic-comedy plot. Well done, Drive.

*Have I mentioned I'm from Generation Y or whatever 80s-born kids are supposed to be?
**That and violence. Lots of it.


I Don't Know How She Does It (2011)

For reasons only known to the unemployed, I started watching Sex and the City, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it wasn't the most painful show I've ever watched. It is a show, however, that suffers from Lead Character is the Worst Syndrome also seen on Grey's Anatomy (I hate that I even know this) and intermittently How I Met Your Mother (Ted, come on). Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw is one of the worst incarnations of feminine stereotypes I have ever seen. She's insecure, obsessed with men, buys ridiculously expensive shoes she can't afford, and writes a poorly written column (seriously, is that narration supposed to be her column?). Um, at least she seems to be a good listener? Suffice it to say, Miranda or even Charlotte would have been preferable leading ladies to Carrie.

The point is that SJP is essentially playing this same neurotic girl in I Don't Know How She Does It, and it is painful to watch. She's married to cute/adorable Greg Kinnear (playing Nice Guy Kinnear), has two kids, and--watch out--is some sort of finance executive that requires her to travel frequently. And of course she's torn between work and family. And of course she and her husband start big work projects at the same time. And of course she has an almost-romance with Pierce Brosnan. Because that's what neurotic girls do when they aren't embarrassing themselves or CONSTANTLY TALKING/NARRATING about their white people problems like making something for their daughter's bake sale because they remember their mother embarrassing them at their own elementary school bake sale by sending them with cans of fruit (side bar: WHO ARE THESE CHILDREN WHO CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT BAKE SALES, ESPECIALLY YEARS LATER? That mom with canned food was on to something).

Quite frankly, I would have punched Sarah Jessica Parker in the stomach to make her STOP TALKING. It's not charming to be around someone who has overexplain everything, it's obnoxious and exhausting. And even watching this fictional character interact with other fictional characters was exhausting, especially when this fictional character is seriously touting outdated platitudes about how "a woman trying to be a man is a waste of a woman." In the words of my ladyfriend I saw the movie with, this line alone reversed the feminist movement 30 years.

That's not to say the movie didn't have some highlights, mostly in the form of talking head interviews à la Greg Daniels (seriously, who are these women talking to?). Christina Hendricks is adorable no matter what but especially when she's talking feminism in the workplace, and Busy Philipps is funny as the perfect stay-at-home mom who mostly just works out at the gym. But the real highlight (and confusing at that) is Olivia Munn as SJP's assistant. Her strictly-business, career-driven, not-into-kids commentary is humorous (if only because it's in contrast to Parker's inane character talking about how being a wealthy, working mom is so hard), until the film SPOILER decides to make her pregnant and realize that being a mom is aWeSOmE! (cue smug Being a Mom is the Best face from SJP).

Moral of the story: women should never forget they're women and always act like women because who wants to be a man? Amirite, ladies?

Ultimate question: What does Aline Brosh McKenna have against working women who are functional human beings?


Dangerous Mrs. Doubtfire

Tell me Glenn Close and Robin Williams don't look eerily similar in these posters. Is it just me?


Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of August 31, 2011

A month later, and not much has changed. But thank goodness enough has changed for me offer some commentary.

#10 - "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

I hate to admit that a bro-rap band has a half-decent song, but they owe it all to my boyfriend Adam Levine singing the catchy chorus. However, they are still unforgiven for raping Supertramp to create "Cupid's Chokehold/Breakfast in America."

# 9 - "Give Me Everything
" by Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer

Still a solid choice.

#8 - "Good Life" by OneRepublic

Still bland.

#7 - "How to Love" by Lil Wayne

Can't even listen to this crap.

#6 - "Super Bass
" by Nicki Minaj

It grew on me, and then got bad again. Mostly because I can't rap along with Nicki's crazy affectations.

#5 - "Last Friday Night (TGIF)
" by Katy Perry


#4 - "Lighters" by Bad Meets Evil featuring Bruno Mars

I didn't think I knew this song, and then I realized that I always change the station when this song is on. So apparently Eminem and some other dude from Detroit called Royce da 5'9" create "Bad Meets Evil." And then they decided they needed a crappy/generic chorus from Bruno Mars. Eh.

#3 - "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

Hey boyfriends, apparently you're a success now that you're not just on the alternative stations. Glad to see the popular kids will be singing about gun violence, too.

Side note: the lead singer is just as goofy and awesome in concert as he is in this video.

#2 - "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

Still catchy.

#1 - "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

Remember when I was all, "This song doesn't make sense and Christina Aguilera's voice is grating but I kind of like it? That analysis still holds. Inexplicably this song is #1. At least the video has both Mick Jagger and people trying to dance like Mick Jagger, thereby demonstrating the awkwardness of Jagger's moves. Also, shirtless Adam Levine who is still smarmy-hot.


Hey remember that one time people Mad Men'd themselves on facebook?

I'm totally late to the Mad Men game (currently in the middle of season 3), so I'm putting it on my blog so it's less lame(?). Obviously I would bring a gun into Sterling Cooper to show how I really feel about the place, but since I'm a lady I'm wearing my gloves and pearls. I'm just sorry there wasn't the option of a lawnmower.


So this has been stuck in my head all morning

"Let the River Run" by Carly Simon

Does this mean my job interview today will go well? Will a handsome nerd be there? Will Joan Cusack be my trashy best friend? I can only hope.


Live blogging Purple Rain (1984)

Tonight's the night I watch Purple Rain for the very first time.

0:20 This is already brilliant.

1:22 I love a good concert in a movie. Also, Prince is a tiny man.

2:20 This man in a tank top and shorts must the comic relief. And this troubled broad with a ton of cash must be our leading lady. PRINCE ON A MOTORCYCLE.

3:30 Dapper looking man getting into a car.

5:00 The present day of fashion is the first time I really think people will look back and be just as embarrassed by what they were wearing as the 1984 depicted as this film.

6:15 Broad is looking to be a singer/dancer at some club. Is this Burlesque? Her name is apparently Apollonia


8:00 The dapper looking man has a terrible band.

9:22 Love at first sight between Apollonia and Prince? Prince is so creeper standing behind her in sunglasses.

10:28 And Prince the stalker is gone.

11:05 Oh great. Prince lives in an abusive home. Also, that's Prince's voice?

13:15 This blonde is a stellar actress. She gives Prince a tape of some guy's music.

13:40 Luckily we get to watch Prince's band practice with two dancers. The synthesizer is magic.

14:23 Dapper looking man is some sort of cartoonishly villainous club owner.

15:14 His bodyguard is named Jerome. A baseball bat just appeared out of nowhere to shove a woman in a dumpster.

15:40 Prince just stole Apollo's outside the boot anklet. Is this flirting? Awwww yeah. Prince's signature guitar just made an appearance in a shop window.

17:00 The dream couple are driving around the countryside. Prince has a decent looking smile to go with his highly reflective sunglasses.

18:47 Prince's lackluster "Oh" is my new favorite response to people's hopes and dreams.

19:25 The acting in this film is stellar. And now Prince is trying to haze Apollonia into "the biz."

20:17 And now stripping down and skinny dipping into a lake, but it was the wrong lake and now he's driving away! Oh-hohoho. Incorrigible. At least Apollonia has a nice rack.

22:07 Now Prince is doing that douchey "just as you try to get on he moves away" thing. And then he says, "Don't get my seat all wet."

23:10 Oh no! Dapper man has his eye on Apollonia too. Excellent.

23:50 Ugh, there's a "Who's On First" level non-joke happening.

25:26 Prince apparently didn't listen to his bandmates' song because he's a control freak. Prince is demonstrating fabulous disinterest. IS HE VENTRILOQUISTING?

27:20 I guess the whole band is pissed at him now.

28:05 Prince talking to some sort of pop-up monkey is kind of endearing. And now he's going to listen the his band's song.

29:20 "Your lips would make a lollipop too happy." Oh.

30:40 Dapper man is continuing to be super gross at hitting on Apollonia.

31:12 Oh good, the Revolution is back onstage, and Prince is at the keyboard. Apollonia is totally feasting on Prince with her eyes.

33:16 I love how Foppish Prince is. I also love that he has ladies in his band.

34:50 I love how screamy he's getting right here. Apollonia looks like she's about to cry. Prince is writhing around on the stage. Um, she is crying?

36:40 Now Apollonia is the stalking one.

37:47 Prince's parents are sexying the couch. How old are these two supposed to be?

38:54 Apollonia is checking out Prince's room. And he sneaks up behind her and screams, and now he's Chris Angel?

39:34 They're listening to a girl crying backwards with a drum beat. It sounds orgasmic and it's weirding me out.

40:23 Oh good, they're finally making out. Ahahaha. There is a lot of groping.

42:04 Awkward morning after kissing.

43:01 Prince walks in on half his band practicing some other music. Prince is a giant douche.

44:00 Dapper Man is sitting in a car and is gross, but he's offering a song and dance. He laughs at her getting help from Prince. She blows him off anyway.

45:23 Apollonia takes up Dapper man on his offer, but not before demanding a guitar.

46:00 Prince is listening to his band's song with his eyes closed with his dad yelling at his mom. He's not going to make it through the whole song yet again while his dad rants about why he beats her up.

47:55 Prince is looking super androgynous in that tank top, um, if you ignore the chest hair.

48:30 Andy like magic Apollonia appears in the window with a gift. IT'S THE GUITAR HE WANTED! Tender moments.

49:20 Prince gives her one of his earrings. Close up on all the creepy clowns and masks in his room. And then Apollonia says she's going to join Dapper Man (Morris's) group. AND HE SLAPS HER. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I love to see the cycle of violence continue.

51:45 Blahblahblah everything sux. The ladies in his band didn't show up and now he's hearing about Apollonia's new band. Oh hey! His band might get fired.

52:30 Cue "When Doves Cry." Brilliant.

53:03 Sexy time flashback in a haystack? When did this happen? Everything flashback? Whatever. I like a good montage.

55:10 I love that Prince is James Deaning, but in the most 80s androgynous way possible with a swirl.

56:40 Prince's dad is playing tender melody on the piano. Apparently his songs are "all different." And he doesn't have to write down music, so he's better than Prince?

57:00 Awkward girlfriend talk with dad.

58:30 Prince is shirtless and sweaty with a mask for his next performance. I find myself not repulsed by this look.

59:50 Um, suggestive of a blow job much?

61:50 Yes! "Darling Nikki."

63:19 Apollonia is pissed off at this song. Is it supposed to be about her? Prince is humping the stage. Excellent.

64:30 Prince yelling "Fuck off!" is adorable. "Like father, like son." BURN.

66:00 Apollonia 6. Good, they're a classy group with garters, corsets, and diamonds. "Sex Shooter." Brilliant.

68:20 Prince is totally stressing about being fired because the Apollonia 6 is apparently great.

70:00 Prince is terrorizing a drunk Morris and Apollonia. "Get on!" And she does.

71:30 They're making out, but it's no good. Apollonia is drinking, Prince knocks it out of her hands and then tries to beat her up, but then doesn't and she's still wearing her slutty outfit, and she throws his earring back at him. Wow.

74:00 Prince's dad shoots himself? His mother's in tears. And there are lots of flashing lights and policemen.

75:35 Prince is hyperventilating and now swinging at things with a baseball bat. I LOVE THIS EMOTING SO MUCH.

78:35 Prince finds a stack of his father's music HE WROTE DOWN. And now he's shirtless again.

78:25 Apparently he memorized the opening bars of his band's song from the intro and is embellishing it on the piano?

79:30 Morris's band the Time is performing again. And there is more stupid dancing happening.

81:25 The Time is annoying band. The Revolution looks pissed. The guy with a John Waters mustache looks even grosser than usual.

83:35 The Revolution is back onstage, seemingly to claim their right to not be fired. Awkward silence. Coughing. Dedicating a song to his father. IT'S HIS BAND'S SONG.

84:23 And of course they all know how to play it from that zero times they've ever practiced. Whatever, "Purple Rain" is kind of an awesome.

88:10 I love the emotive guitar solo. The Revolution is killing it.

90:25 I love the awkward kiss on the cheek Prince gives the girl who wrote the song.

91:20 Prince runs off stage and takes off his jacket. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. TOO MUCH APPLAUSE.

92:06 Apollonia is there and kisses him as he heads back on stage to thunderous applause. He grabs a tambourine and tosses it in the audience.

92:50 "I Would Die for You." Why don't I own this album?

94:00 Prince breaks it down onstage in the midst of a montage of...stacking his father's music and putting them in boxes. Organization is sexy.

94:55 He finds his earring on the floor and throws it--Apollonia is there to catch it! And now we get to watch them make out again.

95:55 Also, I love that there's a guy in the band that's always in scrubs. I'm noting this because Prince is feeling himself on stage, and I don't know what to say about that.

97:30 And the music keeps on coming. I guess they finally decided to stop pretending this was anything but an excuse to watch Prince sing his music.

98:30 Morris is screaming in the audience with the rest of the people. Looks like he's not fired?

99:40 He has a hat now. This song is kind of crap, but Prince is working the stage. SHIRT IS UNBUTTONED.

100:20 And it ends in a freeze frame with the credits rolling and a mix of a bunch of music I'm assuming is on the "Purple Rain" soundtrack even though I don't recognize all the music. Brilliant.

Guys: It's hard to screw up a music biz movie. As long as the songs are half decent, you can montage the crap out of it, and I will watch it and love it. Purple Rain has a barely coherent plot, but it's not like we even need to follow it. We already know the story by heart. Brilliant. Also, this movie was filmed in Minneapolis. Perfection.


cheerful cynicism's quick guide to the films directed by Quentin Tarantino

Guys, I finally watched all of Quentin Tarantino's film. In other words, I have earned a butt ton of pop culture-reference capital. Granted, it's not every film he ever wrote, starred in, and whatever, but just the ones he directed (the whole thing of). I figured that's good enough for now. Anyway, in case your knowledge is incomplete, this is a terrible place to start. However, it is a decent place to steal half-assed critiques.

1. Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Great small film that takes place almost mostly on one set except for flashbacks and that opening diner scene in which we're forced to listen to Quentin Tarantino analyze pop culture. However, it remains an engaging film without a lot frills.

Nice suits, boys.

2. Pulp Fiction (1994)

Eric Stoltz is in this movie. That's the level of random that occurs throughout this film. I guess it's supposed to be cool because it's nonlinear, but it's kind of hard to care for a film when it's non-linear without a central character/plotline. I might need a second viewing to decide if I actually like it or not. However, Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta are a fantastic duo.

Cereal: great choice.

3. Jackie Brown (1997)

Pam Grier is fantastic; I could watch her do anything for 2 hours and be entirely interested. Luckily, this film also has a decent crime plot to move everything along. Plus the seemingly random subplots make more sense than in Pulp Fiction. Also, excellent soundtrack.

Pam Grier and Robert Forster: surprisingly endearing almost coupling.

4. Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2 (2003-2004)

Ladies kicking ass Samurai style. That's all you really need to know. More? Nerd up on influences on Wikipedia.

How good was this fight scene at the end of Vol. 1?

5. Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007)

Too much Truffaut influence. Honestly, the first half the movie contains what in any other film would be maybe the first 15 minutes. The love of the mundane goes on forever as we follow some really boring women followed by a group of less boring women who ultimately kick ass in a decent car chase scene which I guess is kind of redeemable. Apparently it's supposed to be a B-movie, but I'd rather watch its gruesome companion film Planet Terror a thousand times because at least Naveen Andrews is in that. I honestly don't get what Tarantino was trying to do here.

Random boring woman's foot, of course.

6. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

This film might be perfection. All the performances are spot on (I'll just gloss over Eli Roth's awkward "acting"), the cinematography is gorgeous, and the suspense is delicious. Also, killing Nazis and the music of David Bowie.

Christoph Waltz: #1 villain.