LOL. It starts with the Adam Levine singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." Fun fact: this is the song I tore my ACL to. It really is the most dramatic song ever. Adam is doing well with the "Mama just killed a man" section. "We Will Rock You." I can't decide who is more endearing singing this song, Cee Lo or Blake Shelton. Oh boy, Adam is guitaring. Nicely done, Mr. Levine. What the hell is Christina wearing? And what is she doing to "We Are the Champions?" I wish I could bottle the awkward costume combination happening right now. Cee Lo's in sweats, Adam's in a t-shirt and jeans, Blake is going for a vest/tie/jeans combo, and Christina is wearing some sort of pin-up costume with a Forever 21 silver jacket.
Oh, good. We get to relive "the emotional journey" so far. What's with the transition noises between cuts? When is that going to start sounding dated? It already sounds obnoxious on 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother.
It already sounds like Christina is going to give some more "just over sing it, here I'll show you how" advice in this super long preview of the season.
Okay, 2 artists have to go home, but 2 will be saved. This seems a little So You Think You Can Dance-y. I guess only 2 teams go per week. Good times. Discussing the teams: Christina has some intense drag make-up going on. Blake: "How do people have kids?" I don't know, man. He's winning me over. I might have to picture him next week. Adam/Cee Lo "trash talking" or something.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR TECHNOLOGY AND HASH TAGS.
So to clarify, Team Christina and Team Blake are going this week.
Raquel Castro is first up and she's singing Ke$ha's "Blow." Are there dancers!? Wow, she's dancing, too?
Raquel's performance: Predictably, she's already off-pitch a little bit. In other news, she's harnessing Amy Grant with that hair. I'm disappointed she's not trying to sing the autotune parts, but this makes this a really boring vocal performance, she just keeps yelling "Blow" before dancing awkwardly.
Judges critiques: Cee Lo says it was wonderful. It was exciting, I guess. Adam: impressed that she can sing and dance. Fair enough. Blake: "Damnit." Says she's one of his favorites. Yawn. Christina: super cheerleader, talking about ladies and ridiculous outfits. Fun fact: you don't have to wear 324987 inch heels. Oh good, voting numbers.
Jared Blake is going to sing "Use Somebody." I love singing this song in the car. It's just so fun to figure out how to sing "somebody" like Anthony Caleb Followill does. "Somebod-yeah!"
Jared's performance: Pretty good so far. It's a good song, I have to admit. GUITAR THROW! Good thing he has about a dozen wallet chains. I already like this guy better than Raquel, despite his headband and creepy front row flirting.
Judges critiques: Christina: I can't hear her words past her orange glow, although she points out he started out shaky. Cee Lo: encouragement. Adam: that was the perfect song. I agree. Blake: encouragement with a Southern accent.
Beverly McClellan's up next singing "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge. This is the most predictable choice ever. Apparently she has a cold. It'll just make her more gruff.
Beverly's performance: some sort of Scottish Military look tonight? She sounds good, but this isn't very exciting, mostly because it's not 1993. I've heard this song enough times, and it sounds exactly like Melissa's version.
Judges critiques: Cee Lo: Beverly is one of his favorites because she's so natural and her presence. Adam: "The one that got away." He's looking very tan today, too. Blake: blown away. Says she's looking sexy and hot. Hmm. Okay. Christina: trying to trash talk. She's terrible at it, and Adam is all, "WTF?" And then Blake maybe just swore? Thanks, censorship.
Dia Frampton is singing "Heartless" by Kanye West. Interesting choice. Oh, and she's going to play the piano as well. Blake thinks this will help relieve her nervousness.
Dia's performance: Yay! This is bringing out a little sass in her contrasting with her outfit that is late-60s/early-70s adorable. Well done.
Judges critiques: Christina: Interesting, wasn't expecting it. Saw the fighter come out. Cee Lo: greatest rendition of that song he's ever heard, and he's going to call up Kanye. Adam: Most refreshing and unique thing on the show so far. AGREED. Blake: favorite moment on The Voice. What a proud coach.
Side note: I wish I could pull off bangs like Dia.
Commercial break. The Marriage Ref is back?
Team Christina is having dinner with her girls. ~Character building moment~ Telling them to leave out dance steps. Why are they dancing? Why did that become a thing? I think it's from, I don't know, the 60s? The Temptations probably weren't the first, but around there.
Team Christina performance: "Lady Marmalade." Gross. Christina's part in that song has always been my least favorite because she can't blend with other singers at all. Beverly is owning this performance. She's not going crazy with the melody like the other girls, and she has a refreshing voice compared to the other girls. What the hell is everyone wearing? Christina's about to bust her breasts out all over the place. At least Frenchie has a cute, tasteful dress. ACK! MELISMA-OFF. I just threw up. PLEASE BE OVER NOW. Stop trying to trash talk from the stage, Christina.
Twitter updates. Oh.
Commercial break. Gwen Stefani still exists? They're already casting for season 2 of The Voice?
Xenia is singing "Price Tag" by Jesse J. They've got a choreographer for her to "loosen up." Aww, I love Blake coaching Xenia.
Xenia's performance: She's offering a little face tonight. I can't express how cute I find her. She doesn't have a big voice, but it's interesting. I love how Blake is singing and dancing from his chair like a show mom. Aww, he comes up and hugs her at the end. SO. CUTE.
Judges critiques: Christina: Xenia has become one of her favorites. Christina has picked up on the good reality show journey that the editors created. Cee Lo: enjoyed it. Adam: liked seeing Xenia have fun. Blake: "America is watching a star being born." What a proud coach.
Lily Elise will be singing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH. This song is the worst. Christina is trying to coach her into showing a "softer side." Blah blah blah "vulnerability."
Lily's performance: These back-up dancers are distracting, but it might be for the best. This song is the worst. She sounds good and she even did an almost-cry face. WHAT. Her vocals got a little weird when she was trying to emote. Oh, no. She's pulling a "She's Out Of My Life" at the end.
Judges critique: Cee Lo: "little, darlin'" Adam: advocating for no dancers because she did better once they were gone. YES YES YES. Blake: Hated the "mimes" in the background, but ended up liking her song. Christina: so proud. Talking about the symbolism of the dancers. Barf. Lily represented control and restraint? Sometimes? Whatever. Choose a better song next time, lady friend.
Twitter break. Why is the Tech Girl wearing a jump suit? :(
Commercial break. Awkward ad about NBC being the broadcaster of the Olympics through 2020. Because that's relevant in an Olympic off-year.
Team Blake gettin' together for lunch. Talking about performing and fame and Miranda.
LOL. Team Blake is performing Maroon 5's "This Love." The grin on Adam's face is super cute. Xenia and the country dude whose name I forgot (Patrick, apparently) are harmonies. It's an interesting mash-up, but I like Blake Shelton's team is totally owning Christina's team. Jared is singing the creepy sexual lyrics. Now Jared and Dia are harmonizing. Dia is so sassy in her flats. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE PRACTICAL FOOTWEAR. Blake brining it home with the bridge. Classy choice to let his team shine before him. OMG, how TALL is he? Adam gives a standing O. Adam says: Excellent song choice (lulz). Points out how tall Blake is.
Commercial break. According to answers.com, Blake Shelton is 6'5". I believe it.
Patrick Thomas choses "I Hope You Dance" for his sister. Barf. Mostly for the song. Sisters are awesome. Blake wants him to bring more emotion to his precise singing.
Patrick's preformance: Sporting a formal cowboy hat. The only way I can describe this performance is Beauty Pageant Bland. Nothing interesting is happening, and there is a lot of vibrato. At least he nailed the key change.
Judges critiques: Christina: sill waiting for him to take off his pants. Trying to start some sort of bromance stuff. ????? Cee Lo: consummate professional. Strong contender. Adam: classy, sophistacted, strong performance. Blake: Patrick is a pro and classy. Too bad he was so blaaaaaaaaaaaaand. Although it may have been the super bland song.
STOP READING TWEETS ON THE AIR.
Paul Mirkovich is the musical director, and is playing one of the keyboards. His wikipedia page is hilarious.
Frenchie Davis is up, and she chooses "When Love Takes Over" by David Guetta. Christina advocating for "precise and clean." LOL.
Frenchie's performance: What is with Christina's girls choosing songs where they keep singing the same words over and over? At least this is better than "Blow." She has great volume dynamics (soak that in Christina). And for once the background dancers didn't pull my focus. Solid performance.
Judges critiques: Cee Lo: "You make me happy." Adam: She made him love that song. Also, "Damn, girl." Blake: making a distinction between dancers and mimes. "Power singer." Christina: talks about how controlled Frenchie is. Capital "T" Truth.
Voting is now open. I find Blake's team much more interesting during the performance review. Who are you voting for/would you vote for if you cared enough to vote?
Next week: 2 artists are kicked off, and Team Adam and Team Cee Lo perform. I think Team Adam has almost as interesting of a mix as Team Blake, so I'll be excited to see that next week. Til then.