What I learned from The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

1. The story of Leatherstocking is a little campy, no matter what the medium.

2. 18th Century muskets have perfect aim, especially sniping from far distances.

3. The name "Natty Bumppo" is clearly too ridiculous to use by the 1990s.

4. Possibly, Daniel Day-Lewis's wonky accent made the character of "Hawkeye"/"Nathaniel Poe" ridiculous even with the name change. I mean, he's a 20th Century British man trying to play a white man who was raised by Native Americans in the 18th Century. His accent swings from redneck to Dennis Quaid to Irish immigrant who has lived in modern-day America for several years. And why is the only contraction he uses "ain't"?

5. Action movies tell terrible love stories.

6. Unless they are unspoken B-plots that consist entirely of shots of one person looking at the other at any given time. At least then I don't feel like I'm supposed to care.

7. Eric Schweig was clearly the best part of this movie. He's very pretty. Let's take it in:

8. Fact: all British men who had settled in the Americas sounded way different than British men in the military by 1757.

9. This movie is vastly improved by use of slow motion*.

10. I agree with both Siskel and Ebert on their assessment of The Last of the Mohicans:

*To be fair, I'm a slow motion slut. This might explain why I love JJ Abrams so much.

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