Tonight's the night I watch Purple Rain for the very first time.
0:20 This is already brilliant.
1:22 I love a good concert in a movie. Also, Prince is a tiny man.
2:20 This man in a tank top and shorts must the comic relief. And this troubled broad with a ton of cash must be our leading lady. PRINCE ON A MOTORCYCLE.
3:30 Dapper looking man getting into a car.
5:00 The present day of fashion is the first time I really think people will look back and be just as embarrassed by what they were wearing as the 1984 depicted as this film.
6:15 Broad is looking to be a singer/dancer at some club. Is this Burlesque? Her name is apparently Apollonia
7:20 AH! QUICK MONTAGE OF 80S-NESS.
8:00 The dapper looking man has a terrible band.
9:22 Love at first sight between Apollonia and Prince? Prince is so creeper standing behind her in sunglasses.
10:28 And Prince the stalker is gone.
11:05 Oh great. Prince lives in an abusive home. Also, that's Prince's voice?
13:15 This blonde is a stellar actress. She gives Prince a tape of some guy's music.
13:40 Luckily we get to watch Prince's band practice with two dancers. The synthesizer is magic.
14:23 Dapper looking man is some sort of cartoonishly villainous club owner.
15:14 His bodyguard is named Jerome. A baseball bat just appeared out of nowhere to shove a woman in a dumpster.
15:40 Prince just stole Apollo's outside the boot anklet. Is this flirting? Awwww yeah. Prince's signature guitar just made an appearance in a shop window.
17:00 The dream couple are driving around the countryside. Prince has a decent looking smile to go with his highly reflective sunglasses.
18:47 Prince's lackluster "Oh" is my new favorite response to people's hopes and dreams.
19:25 The acting in this film is stellar. And now Prince is trying to haze Apollonia into "the biz."
20:17 And now stripping down and skinny dipping into a lake, but it was the wrong lake and now he's driving away! Oh-hohoho. Incorrigible. At least Apollonia has a nice rack.
22:07 Now Prince is doing that douchey "just as you try to get on he moves away" thing. And then he says, "Don't get my seat all wet."
23:10 Oh no! Dapper man has his eye on Apollonia too. Excellent.
23:50 Ugh, there's a "Who's On First" level non-joke happening.
25:26 Prince apparently didn't listen to his bandmates' song because he's a control freak. Prince is demonstrating fabulous disinterest. IS HE VENTRILOQUISTING?
27:20 I guess the whole band is pissed at him now.
28:05 Prince talking to some sort of pop-up monkey is kind of endearing. And now he's going to listen the his band's song.
29:20 "Your lips would make a lollipop too happy." Oh.
30:40 Dapper man is continuing to be super gross at hitting on Apollonia.
31:12 Oh good, the Revolution is back onstage, and Prince is at the keyboard. Apollonia is totally feasting on Prince with her eyes.
33:16 I love how Foppish Prince is. I also love that he has ladies in his band.
34:50 I love how screamy he's getting right here. Apollonia looks like she's about to cry. Prince is writhing around on the stage. Um, she is crying?
36:40 Now Apollonia is the stalking one.
37:47 Prince's parents are sexying the couch. How old are these two supposed to be?
38:54 Apollonia is checking out Prince's room. And he sneaks up behind her and screams, and now he's Chris Angel?
39:34 They're listening to a girl crying backwards with a drum beat. It sounds orgasmic and it's weirding me out.
40:23 Oh good, they're finally making out. Ahahaha. There is a lot of groping.
42:04 Awkward morning after kissing.
43:01 Prince walks in on half his band practicing some other music. Prince is a giant douche.
44:00 Dapper Man is sitting in a car and is gross, but he's offering a song and dance. He laughs at her getting help from Prince. She blows him off anyway.
45:23 Apollonia takes up Dapper man on his offer, but not before demanding a guitar.
46:00 Prince is listening to his band's song with his eyes closed with his dad yelling at his mom. He's not going to make it through the whole song yet again while his dad rants about why he beats her up.
47:55 Prince is looking super androgynous in that tank top, um, if you ignore the chest hair.
48:30 Andy like magic Apollonia appears in the window with a gift. IT'S THE GUITAR HE WANTED! Tender moments.
49:20 Prince gives her one of his earrings. Close up on all the creepy clowns and masks in his room. And then Apollonia says she's going to join Dapper Man (Morris's) group. AND HE SLAPS HER. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I love to see the cycle of violence continue.
51:45 Blahblahblah everything sux. The ladies in his band didn't show up and now he's hearing about Apollonia's new band. Oh hey! His band might get fired.
52:30 Cue "When Doves Cry." Brilliant.
53:03 Sexy time flashback in a haystack? When did this happen? Everything flashback? Whatever. I like a good montage.
55:10 I love that Prince is James Deaning, but in the most 80s androgynous way possible with a swirl.
56:40 Prince's dad is playing tender melody on the piano. Apparently his songs are "all different." And he doesn't have to write down music, so he's better than Prince?
57:00 Awkward girlfriend talk with dad.
58:30 Prince is shirtless and sweaty with a mask for his next performance. I find myself not repulsed by this look.
59:50 Um, suggestive of a blow job much?
61:50 Yes! "Darling Nikki."
63:19 Apollonia is pissed off at this song. Is it supposed to be about her? Prince is humping the stage. Excellent.
64:30 Prince yelling "Fuck off!" is adorable. "Like father, like son." BURN.
66:00 Apollonia 6. Good, they're a classy group with garters, corsets, and diamonds. "Sex Shooter." Brilliant.
68:20 Prince is totally stressing about being fired because the Apollonia 6 is apparently great.
70:00 Prince is terrorizing a drunk Morris and Apollonia. "Get on!" And she does.
71:30 They're making out, but it's no good. Apollonia is drinking, Prince knocks it out of her hands and then tries to beat her up, but then doesn't and she's still wearing her slutty outfit, and she throws his earring back at him. Wow.
74:00 Prince's dad shoots himself? His mother's in tears. And there are lots of flashing lights and policemen.
75:35 Prince is hyperventilating and now swinging at things with a baseball bat. I LOVE THIS EMOTING SO MUCH.
78:35 Prince finds a stack of his father's music HE WROTE DOWN. And now he's shirtless again.
78:25 Apparently he memorized the opening bars of his band's song from the intro and is embellishing it on the piano?
79:30 Morris's band the Time is performing again. And there is more stupid dancing happening.
81:25 The Time is annoying band. The Revolution looks pissed. The guy with a John Waters mustache looks even grosser than usual.
83:35 The Revolution is back onstage, seemingly to claim their right to not be fired. Awkward silence. Coughing. Dedicating a song to his father. IT'S HIS BAND'S SONG.
84:23 And of course they all know how to play it from that zero times they've ever practiced. Whatever, "Purple Rain" is kind of an awesome.
88:10 I love the emotive guitar solo. The Revolution is killing it.
90:25 I love the awkward kiss on the cheek Prince gives the girl who wrote the song.
91:20 Prince runs off stage and takes off his jacket. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. TOO MUCH APPLAUSE.
92:06 Apollonia is there and kisses him as he heads back on stage to thunderous applause. He grabs a tambourine and tosses it in the audience.
92:50 "I Would Die for You." Why don't I own this album?
94:00 Prince breaks it down onstage in the midst of a montage of...stacking his father's music and putting them in boxes. Organization is sexy.
94:55 He finds his earring on the floor and throws it--Apollonia is there to catch it! And now we get to watch them make out again.
95:55 Also, I love that there's a guy in the band that's always in scrubs. I'm noting this because Prince is feeling himself on stage, and I don't know what to say about that.
97:30 And the music keeps on coming. I guess they finally decided to stop pretending this was anything but an excuse to watch Prince sing his music.
98:30 Morris is screaming in the audience with the rest of the people. Looks like he's not fired?
99:40 He has a hat now. This song is kind of crap, but Prince is working the stage. SHIRT IS UNBUTTONED.
100:20 And it ends in a freeze frame with the credits rolling and a mix of a bunch of music I'm assuming is on the "Purple Rain" soundtrack even though I don't recognize all the music. Brilliant.
Guys: It's hard to screw up a music biz movie. As long as the songs are half decent, you can montage the crap out of it, and I will watch it and love it. Purple Rain has a barely coherent plot, but it's not like we even need to follow it. We already know the story by heart. Brilliant. Also, this movie was filmed in Minneapolis. Perfection.