3/12/2010

June 30th, y'all

So finals week, right? As usual, I'm failing at studying/doing final projects, and am instead on the internet writing nonsense because I'm not even wasting time study time on reading books or watching movie to review. You know what I did tonight instead? Watched the trailer for Eclipse. That's right. The third movie in the "Twilight Saga."



OMG dull. By far this is most painful book I've ever endured, if only because it's SO LONG. I've discussed reasons why before, but overall, I think the story would be so much better if it was, oh, about 2 scenes long. In fact, let me write them for you.

Scene 1

INT. BELLA'S ROOM - NIGHT

EDWARD is standing in his usual stalking place in the corner while BELLA sleeps. BELLA wakes up.

BELLA
What the hell? I thought I asked you to stop doing that.

EDWARD
But you seemed so complacent about developing a healthy relationship before. I didn't dare think you were serious about not wanting me to stalk you at night.

BELLA
Just stop it, okay? Go home and not sleep somewhere else.

EDWARD
AS IF YOU COULD KEEP ME OUT!

BELLA
Recycling lines? Really?

EDWARD
It's a good point.

(Beat)

BELLA
I'll give you that.

EDWARD awkward starts staring at BELLA'S head. She sticks a pillow over her head to avert his gaze.

EDWARD
What? You used to love staring into my perfect eyes that are attached to my marble and Adonis-like body.

BELLA
Well, it's kind of boring, okay?

EDWARD
What?

BELLA
You've obviously lost a lot of social skills over the last century, what with not interacting with people normally. I mean, no wonder you're going out with a high schooler: the ultimate awkward. You just wanted to be with someone even less well-adjusted than you.

EDWARD takes a moment to contemplate this.

EDWARD
Until tonight I have never known myself. It's as if a new person seems to be talking through you.

BELLA
It's telling that you're more or less quoting Cecil Vyse.

EDWARD
Daniel Day-Lewis is a great actor.

BELLA
Which is why he played the snobby, turn of the century nerd so well.

They share a blank look.

BELLA
Anyway, we should break up. I'm sick of seeing your face. Also, you are cold.

EDWARD
Fair enough.

He jumps out the window. BELLA mutters under her breath as she has to get out of bed and close the window herself.

Scene 2

EXT. THE WOODS - DAY
JACOB and BELLA are standing standing in the wood like they do.

BELLA
Well, I broke up with Edward.

JACOB
You did?

BELLA
Yeah, so do you, like, want to hang out?

BELLA bites her lip because she is played by Kristen Stewart.

JACOB
First, let me ask you this: are you going to use me as a both metaphorical and literal sun, seeing as I have a higher than average temperature?

BELLA
Yes. No. Maybe? Can we never use that metaphor again?

JACOB
Oh, thank God. That was getting old. Look, let's go ride motorcycles.

BELLA
Sorry. That reminds me of when I was hallucinating about Edward because I was severely mentally unbalanced and more than a little bit depressed.

JACOB
It was pretty weird how you never left that chair.

BELLA
Yeah, my dad's making me see a therapist now, like he should have in the first place because when your teenage daughter is that depressed about a really boring boy, you should probably seek help, you know?

JACOB
Yeah.

JACOB and BELLA continue to stand in the woods.

BELLA
Well, we could try something normal and teenagery like eat disgusting food at Denny's.

JACOB
There isn't a Denny's near here.

BELLA
There's not?

JACOB
You keep forgetting that Forks is a terrible place to live.

BELLA
These delusions have been so inconvenient. Well, let's see...

(Beat)

Do you or do you not own some sort of video game console?

JACOB
N-64?

BELLA
Mario Kart?

JACOB
You're on.

They somehow reach JACOB'S house from the middle of the woods and play dorky video games. It is infinitely more endearing and interesting than anything that happens in Eclipse.

THE END

You're welcome.

3 comments:

  1. I would pay good money to see this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. omg thank you so much for this. can you write your own version of the script for the other movies too???

    ReplyDelete