June 30th, y'all

So finals week, right? As usual, I'm failing at studying/doing final projects, and am instead on the internet writing nonsense because I'm not even wasting time study time on reading books or watching movie to review. You know what I did tonight instead? Watched the trailer for Eclipse. That's right. The third movie in the "Twilight Saga."



OMG dull. By far this is most painful book I've ever endured, if only because it's SO LONG. I've discussed reasons why before, but overall, I think the story would be so much better if it was, oh, about 2 scenes long. In fact, let me write them for you.

Scene 1

INT. BELLA'S ROOM - NIGHT

EDWARD is standing in his usual stalking place in the corner while BELLA sleeps. BELLA wakes up.

BELLA

What the hell? I thought I asked you to stop doing that.

EDWARD

But you seemed so complacent about developing a healthy relationship before. I didn't dare think you were serious about not wanting me to stalk you at night.

BELLA

Just stop it, okay? Go home and not sleep somewhere else.

EDWARD

AS IF YOU COULD KEEP ME OUT!

BELLA

Recycling lines? Really?

EDWARD

It's a good point.

(Beat)

BELLA

I'll give you that.

EDWARD awkward starts staring at BELLA'S head. She sticks a pillow over her head to avert his gaze.

EDWARD

What? You used to love staring into my perfect eyes that are attached to my marble and Adonis-like body.

BELLA

Well, it's kind of boring, okay?

EDWARD

What?

BELLA

You've obviously lost a lot of social skills over the last century, what with not interacting with people normally. I mean, no wonder you're going out with a high schooler: the ultimate awkward. You just wanted to be with someone even less well-adjusted than you.

EDWARD takes a moment to contemplate this.

EDWARD

Until tonight I have never known myself. It's as if a new person seems to be talking through you.

BELLA

It's telling that you're more or less quoting Cecil Vyse.

EDWARD

Daniel Day-Lewis is a great actor.

BELLA

Which is why he played the snobby, turn of the century nerd so well.

They share a blank look.

BELLA

Anyway, we should break up. I'm sick of seeing your face. Also, you are cold.

EDWARD

Fair enough.

He jumps out the window. BELLA mutters under her breath as she has to get out of bed and close the window herself.

Scene 2

EXT. THE WOODS - DAY

JACOB and BELLA are standing standing in the wood like they do.

BELLA

Well, I broke up with Edward.

JACOB

You did?

BELLA

Yeah, so do you, like, want to hang out?

BELLA bites her lip because she is played by Kristen Stewart.

JACOB

First, let me ask you this: are you going to use me as a both metaphorical and literal sun, seeing as I have a higher than average temperature?

BELLA

Yes. No. Maybe? Can we never use that metaphor again?

JACOB

Oh, thank God. That was getting old. Look, let's go ride motorcycles.

BELLA

Sorry. That reminds me of when I was hallucinating about Edward because I was severely mentally unbalanced and more than a little bit depressed.

JACOB

It was pretty weird how you never left that chair.

BELLA

Yeah, my dad's making me see a therapist now, like he should have in the first place because when your teenage daughter is that depressed about a really boring boy, you should probably seek help, you know?

JACOB

Yeah.

JACOB and BELLA continue to stand in the woods.

BELLA

Well, we could try something normal and teenagery like eat disgusting food at Denny's.

JACOB

There isn't a Denny's near here.

BELLA

There's not?

JACOB

You keep forgetting that Forks is a terrible place to live.

BELLA

These delusions have been so inconvenient. Well, let's see...

(Beat)

Do you or do you not own some sort of video game console?

JACOB

N-64?

BELLA

Mario Kart?

JACOB

You're on.

They somehow reach JACOB'S house from the middle of the woods and play dorky video games. It is infinitely more endearing and interesting than anything that happens in Eclipse.

THE END

You're welcome.