School of Rock 2

If there's one thing that rock establishes, it's that women are no good. In fact, they are the embodiment of evil. As a woman, I can neither confirm nor deny this thesis. I can however, compile a chronological list of songs containing the words devil, evil, and wicked in reference to women in the title.

1. Let's be honest, this theme's got deep roots in the blues. Here's Skip James' "Devil Got My Woman" (1920s/30s).

2. This even caught on with New Zealand's Elvis Presley, Johnny Devlin. "Wicked Wicked Woman" (1958ish).

3. Joe Hex brings us "Wicked Woman" (Mystery Year) complete with about 234987 key changes.

4. This one is a little more R&B and is also the best thing ever. "Wicked Woman" by Lynn Johnson (Mystery year)

5. Hell, even country got in on this. With a Spanish guitar flair. Here's Marty Robbins' "Devil Woman" (1962).

6. PJ Proby brings us a cheesy brass section in "Wicked Woman" (1963).

7. Well this is adorable. "Devil in Her Heart" by the Beatles (1963).

8. A blues-based rock epic, heavy on the organ, you ask? Here's "Evil Woman" by Spooky Tooth (1969).

9. I guess we were going to get to actual Satanists at some point. Here's "Wicked Woman" by Coven (1969).

10. "Evil Woman (Don't Play Your Games With Me)" by Crow (1969) was covered by Black Sabbath the next year, but--as you should know by now--a horn section trumps all.

11. So Ringo Starr has a B-Side called "Devil Woman" (1973). Let's be honest: this is awful. In a Meatloaf sort of way. At least he references Sexy Sadie.

12. The honor of my favorite "Evil Woman" song goes to Electric Light Orchestra (1975). Jeff Lynne writes a catchy song. Even better if you can include a cello.

13. Although Cliff Richard comes pretty close, too. Seriously"Devil Woman" (1976) is perfection.

"She's gonna get you from behind."

14. "Evil Woman" by Nightwing (1982) may or may not have been recorded in a garage. Also, crazy prog organ solo.

15. I draw the line of anything after this. For the most part it includes some magnificent covers. Suffice it to say, Shy's version of Cliff Richard's "Devil Woman" is my favorite.

Evilly yours,

Kelsy

School of Rock 1

So the other day I was talking to my parents, and once we exhausted the common topics of parent-child conversation (mostly consisting of my mom giving me the latest gossip from home and updating me on their current television obsessions), the conversation turned to who was married to certain members of certain rock bands. While this seems like a conversation right up my alley, my parents cannot remember anything for the life of them. Let's just say at one point, my mom confused Bon Jovi, the Allman Brothers, and Van Halen, stating that they all sound the same. And then my soul died.

Anyway, I'm here to poorly inform people on the internet about what the difference between these bands are, if only to save one more person from this terrible fate. Because really, they aren't much alike at all besides the fact that they're all named after band members' last names.

So Van Halen was started in 1972 by brothers Eddie and Alex Van Halen in California, although it was originally named Mammoth. Awesome. So, they found success in their debut album from 1978, Van Halen. David Lee Roth fronted this line-up of Van Halen until 1984. After that, I don't really care. Mostly, the band is known for Eddie's ridiculous guitar solos and Roth's weird high-pitched screamy thing and on-stage spazziness. Also, the band is known for frontman drama I'm too lazy to look up.

"Dance the Night Away" by Van Halen (1979)

Is he or is he not wearing shoes?


It should be enough to explain that Bon Jovi is the band that's seen a million faces and they've rocked them all. But if not, I could see how you might get them confused with Van Halen...in that they're both part of the smilier hard rock set. Founded in 1983 in New Jersey, the band named after lead singer Jon Bon Jovi found success in cheesy rock hits off their 1986 album, Slippery When Wet (see: "You Give Love a Bad Name" and "Livin' on a Prayer"). They also may not have given you herpes if you chose to be their groupie back in the day. I base this solely on the fact that I don't immediately want to shower when I look at them. Take a listen and learn:

"Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi (1986)

They also play for keeps.


Now here's where I have no idea what my mom was thinking with the Allman Brothers Band. I think any confusion can be cleared up by this simple formula:

Southern rock ≠ hair metal

In other words, if you feel like you're on a road trip in a car with no air conditioning driving passed miles and miles of flatland, it's probably the Allman Brothers Band. If you've got some mellow guitar harmonies happening, it's also probably the Allman Brothers. If they jam forever on a song and it sounds essentially like this:

"Blue Sky" by the Allman Brothers Band (1972)

In other news, that's a great 'stache.

it's the Allman Brothers. The band was founded in 1969 and was named after brothers Gregg and Duane Allman. Duane died in 1971 in a motorcycle accident shortly after the band found success with its live album, At Fillmore East, but the band carried on. They've dissolved and gotten back together several times, bringing in new rocking guitarists and always bringing in that Southern rock spirit with a slide guitar and Gregg's gorgeous rock vocals.

Any questions?