Because no one asked for it: Liveblogging No Strings Attached

1:14-- "14 Years ago" Color Me Badd's"I Want to Sex You Up" is playing as what I assume are the younger versions of our couple are talking about the guy's divorce. Guy is all "wah, my parents are divorcing" and she's all, "monogamy sux."

3:02-- "5 Years Ago" Lol, girl wears onsie pajamas to a frat pajama party. Does she have Asberger's?

4:20-- BOOTLEG MARK RUFFALO IS IN THIS MOVIE. He's already the best part of this movie.

4:40-- The couple reminisces about that time he asked to finger her.

5:35-- Girl brings guy toa funeral, only saying that it's "some stupid thing." Guy is misdressed. Girl has no social skills, still.

7:10-- So the girl is all, "we're probably never going to see each other again." Who is this character and why is she making these weird choices?

7:45-- "1 Year Ago" and Bootleg Mark Ruffalo sees someone he knew in college.

8:45-- BMR makes a 90210 reference. This is more important that Natalie Portman ("Emma") talking about going to med school. Kutcher's girlfriend is overly touchy-feely.

10:05-- "Today" some obnoxious music video/High School Musical? thing is being taped.

11:10-- Kutcher is lifecoaching some young actress about love. Director or something is giving him time off and being awkward. I like her blazer.

12:35-- Kevin Kline is Kutcher's dad. I'm so ashamed for him, although he looks pretty good with his shirt off. KK was some sort of TV star ("Great Scott!") and also smokes pot.

14:03-- KK asks Kutcher if he's having sex. Awkward. Also, KK is sleeping with Kutcher's ex-girlfriend? Sigh.

15:55-- LUDACRIS! is a bartender. The words out of his mouth are supposed to be funny and making fun of Kutcher's situation. Not working.

16:40-- BMR is still the best part of this movie.

17:05-- Oh hey, Abby Elliott gives Kutcher more drinks as he desperately calls girls to bang.

18:05-- Mandy Kaling is getting naked Kutcher coffee the next morning. Annnd dude roommate gives him his socks. And another roommate states that she slept with him.

20:13-- Oh snap, none of the roommates slept with him. Portman reveals the truth.

21:05-- Dude roommates makes a statement that he's definitely gay when naked kutcher reveals his butt walking to Portman's room.

22:05-- Is Natalie supposed to be charming? She's like a charisma suck.

23:25-- And now they're doing it. Natalie Portman has some sort of prepubescent bralette on.

26:00-- Portman went to the hospital. Kutcher is wearing shorts at a cafe and is leaving a message for Portman. Portman and another dude just walked up. BMR is also there. Kutcher is awkward as hell and telling her she's beautiful.

27:20-- BMR is the only person in this movie who acts like someone who isn't a robot.

28:38-- Kutcher can't read social cues either and brings Portman a balloon at the hospital and asks her why she hasn't called back. Portman apparently has an "emotional peanut allergy." What?

30:30-- That bluegrass version of "99 Problems" is happening in this movie. Portman and Kutcher are texting.

31:20-- Ludacris is in second place for understanding/interacting with people. I take it back, Abby Elliott's bit part is more humanoid.

32:16-- Oh shoot, it was a booty call. And now he wants to snuggle, and Portman's all "robo" and gets dressed.

33:40-- The proposition: they will have a strictly sexual relationship. WILL THEY BE ABLE TO DO IT AND NOT FALL FOR EACH OTHER?

34:45-- Hook-up montage.

35:55-- I take it back, Mindy Kaling's one-liners are more entertaining than almost all of this movie. She and BMR should hook up.

37:15-- Although BMR is chatting up one of the blonde doctors.

37:50-- Kutcher is jealous or something.

41:00-- Director or whatever is going to read Kutcher's script.

43:15-- Kutcher has cupcakes and brings them to Portman's apartment where everyone is sick or something. Or on their periods.

44:15-- Kutcher made a Period Mix CD. What the hell is happening?

45:15-- They slept spooning, I guess. Portman's pissed. Blah blah blah they're going to have sex with random strangers or something.

48:00-- BMR and Luda are trying to tell Kutcher that he has a good thing. Mandy Kaling wants to get laid.

48:50-- BMR and blonde dotor are going on a date and they are being cute and acting like real humans.

49:50-- Abby Elliott is doing impressions. I think she's going to hook-up with some random girl.

54:35-- Portman shows up at Kutcher's place drunk. Kutcher is hiding ladies making out on his couch.

57:25-- Kevin Kline and the crew of the show he work on are singing some song for Kutcher's birthday. Kline, what are you in this movie? You're too good for this.

1:01:30-- Portman join Kutcher for dinner with Dad and ex-girlfriend. I hate everything about this movie.

1:05:40-- They're going on a real date.

1:08:00-- Minigolf. Sharing a milkshake.

1:11:30-- Natalie Portman is beating up Kutcher for saying he loves her. I'm...confused/apathetic.

1:13:40-- BMR is having dinner with his blonde doctor friend. Director crashed their dinner and is now talking to Kutcher about his script or something. She thinks he's dreamy and good at writing.

1:18:00-- Portman is driving around with her mom and some dude sleeping in the backseat.

1:20:45-- BMR is talking about the director and calling her a "sexy scientist." Accurate description.

1:24:00-- Portman called Kutcher and is all, "I miss you."

1:29:00-- Kutcher is hooking up with director lady and it's awkward.

1:33:20-- Kevin Kline is in the hospital. Girlfriend breaks up with him. There's a fluffy dog. Whatever.

1:37:20-- Portman just got over her Asberger's and now she cares. This has to be one of the worst reconciliation scenes I've ever seen.

1:39:30-- Breakfast, I guess.

1:40:00-- They ran to a hotel or something, and then they hold hands and it's over.

1:41:00-- Oh great, credits montage. Kevin Kline is now dating director lady. Not even funny.

1:41:25-- BMR is with blonde girl and they meet up with dude roommate.

1:41:50-- Ex-girlfriend who's afraid of old people in an elevator of old people.

1:42:00-- Portman and Kutcher look like they share really awkward kisses.

1:42:30-- Mandy Kaling is kind of slutty.

1:42:56-- Portman's sister is having a baby.

1:43:10-- Sex in a closet.

WAIT. THAT WAS CARY ELWES?