Netflix Watch Instantly and the title of my
favorite Phil Collin's song = of course I'm going to watch this movie. Also, Netflix guesses I'll give it 2 stars. Also, I have a test tomorrow. Also, I'd like to make you experience this as well, in a really truncated way.
(pictured left:truth in advertising)
1:28 - Jeff Bridges has a beard: approved.
2:05 - Even my high school Spanish knowledge lets me know that Mr. Bridges' accent is awful.. He's asking about some girl in a picture.
3:55 - So many xylophones.
4:30 - Football flashback. Jeff Bridges playing football? This is precious. Shoulder trouble!
5:27 - "Fuht-ball."
6:35 - Some dude with the voice of Unsolved Mysteries' Robert Stack's voice.
7:50 - Kicked off the football team because of his injury. Damn.
8:19 - Apparently his name is Terry Brogan.
9:51 - Something's afoot with this firing from the team. How old is he supposed to be? Is this NFL? Cuz it looked like high school facilities.
11:11- The team was called the Outlaws. I'm still not convinced this isn't a high school team.
12:10 - Money problems!
13:20 - Wikipedia tells me this is a remake of
Out of the Past, a 1947 noir film. So that's where this is headed.
14:27 - Office assistant forcefully trying to get a date--awesome!
14:55 - Man emerges from the shadows as
Terry works out. Yesssssss.
16:00 - So many stripped shorts. Also, man with a cane.
17:09 - Beach volleyball bookie?
18:15 - Ball-proving dangerous drag race in busy traffic with Terry and Volleyball Bookie. I hope this ends in tragedy.
20:42 - No tragedy. Just barely missing a garbage truck. I'm so disappointed. Also, where's the femme fetale already? I thought this was supposed to be a neo-noir.
21:42 - Job offer as a celebrity bar tender! This is shaping up nice.
22:22 - There's our crazy girl in a photograph, Jessie. She stole money from Volleyball Bookie, and is Mrs. Wyler's mother. Also, the chick in the pictures at the beginning that Jeff Bridges was speaking bad Spanish about.
23:13 - Oh snap! Mrs. Wyler and Terry have a past of some sort.
25:05 - Mrs. Wyler is a perceptive old broad.
26:16 - Volleyball Bookie is named Jake Wise. Huh.
28:05 - Blah blah blah, you just want your Outlaw's job back.
29:40 - Sierra Club? Plot twist!
30:20 - Jeff Bridges is pretty dreamy.
31:09 - And the sleazy lawyer is thrown into a drum set.
32:00 - People hate Jake Wise. This working for him thing is going to be disastrous. Love it.
33:16 - We're back to the beginning sequence and the topless tanner is not Jessie.
33:45 - The combination of Spanish guitar and synth is magical.
35:15 - Jessie's found.
36:00 - Holy crap, it's Meggie from
The Thorn Birds and she's saucy. Something tells me this isn't going to be any easy job (that's what the witty sidekick would say)
.37:20 - Lies to Jake about finding Jessie.
37:45 - Playing checkers with some local kid--spots Jessie--she's going off in a boat, and he can't catch her.
38:50 - Terry hires a motorboat to track her down. She's drawing on a moutain side or something. Have I mentioned this is a ridiculously gorgeous tropical location.
40:00 - Blah blah blah Jessie has daddy issues. She also figured out why Terry is there.
41:00 - Update: they're in the Caribbean.
41:44 - Terry takes off his shirt to get back on the boat as Jessie stares after him. What the hell is this music trying to indicate?
42:20 - "I want to talk you," said Jessie to a totally ripped Terry. Is that all Jessie?
43:35 - Tracking down Jessie's place that she told him about. Also, cue sleazy electric guitar.
44:45 - Tequila. Oh, boy.
45:40 - Rich girls don't have the soul for rock and roll.
46:22 - Blah blah blah Jessie has mommy issues, too. Also, her brother killed himself with drugs.
47:40 - She's trying to stay away from Jake and her mother. And now Terry is leaving...?
48:26 - Commence make-out, snorkeling, walking on the beach, and sex montage. It's like The Thornbirds all over again. Just don't leave her for the priesthood, Terry!
50:40 - Goofy dancing to a mariachi band and wow, white linen dress in water.
52:30 - Expository character development about Terry getting into debt and betting on stuff with Jake. Awfsome.
55:00 - "I wished I had seen you play football." And teary-eyed kisses.
56:35 - Where's the money coming from?? Was Jake lying about the stolen money? Suspense.
58:05 - There is so much tongue in this movie.
58:53 - Khaki pants at the Mayan ruins. Modern parallels between an ancient game and football!
1:00:00 - Um, apparently it was Jake's money.
1:01:00 - Declaration of love. Rejection. Vulnerability. Trust issues. "I'm not anyone."
1:01:40 - Love reciprocated. More tongue. They are both extraordinarily tan making love in the Mayan ruins. Also, voyeurism from some dude named Sully.
1:04:10 - Oh boy. Jake sent him! Sully could have been head coach.
1:05:35 - GUN.
1:06:43 - FIGHT.
1:07:50 - Jessie shot Sully. Oh geez. He's not dead yet; Jessie wants to run, Terry wants to save his life. And he's dead. And Jessie's gone. And that blood looks like tempera paint.
1:09:24 - Worst soundtrack ever. It's like it's on "metallic water droplet" mode.
1:10:30 - Throwing the body in some water. That'll work out good.
1:11:30 - Back in the states. And there's the beach volleyball again. Oh, hey Jake in a tank top and short shorts. And he just bounced the ball off some little mulleted girl's head.
1:13:10 - Jake says Sully's gone and asks about the job. Terry bullshits him about not finding her. "It's not that easy, Terry." This really is noir.
1:14:00 - Here's Terry! I guess she's with Jake again, but she doesn't look to happy about. And Terry's pissed and won't watch football with Jake.
1:15:30 - Awkward moment with Terry and Jessie. Jessie is incapable to take care of herself and needs someone to take care of everything for her. Also, the composer found the drums mode on the synthesizer. Things ended badly.
1:16:45 - Stevie Nicks is on the soundtrack.
1:17:31 - Terry refuses Jake's handshake at Jake's shindig of sorts. Jessie was too upset to show up. SKETCH.
1:18:17 - Please tell me the big hair part of the 80s doesn't come back in along with everything else because I don't think I can get my hair that big.
1:19:00 - Sleazy lawyer is back. Jake introduces a band called
Kid Creole and the Coconuts. This is by far
the best part of this movie. The lead singer is like a cross between Little Richard and Prince and the back up dancers are wearing two-piece metallic outfits and refuse to shave their armpits. I don't understand their statement.
1:21:30 - Some sort of heated discussion is taking place behind the scenes.
1:22:52 - Sully was tipping off Jake about injuries that could affect games.
1:23:53 - Jake is blackmailing Terry. Tommy (the guy who looms in shadows?) is to remain clean. "What made you think you could handle Jessie?" Friend break-up final.
1:25:00 - Lawyer's doing coke in the bathroom. Yes.
1:26:50 - Terry confronts Jessie and aggressively kisses her...and it's become consensual. And then violent again.
1:28:00 - Terry is demanding Jessie rips his shirt off. She yells. They're hugging. What just happened?
1:29:00 - Piano and metallic water droplets. Jake is doing a terrible job of winning Jessie back. "You know when you came at me with a knife..." I think they're breaking up.
1:30:35 - "You ruined my life. Damnit, I'm not going to lose you." I don't know if that's working, Jake.
1:31:10 - Terry is running on the field again. Soundbites of Jake's voice.
1:32:00 - How does the soundtrack keep getting worse? Nasty electric guitar solo. Is this supposed to be atonal? P.S. Terry's breaking into an office.
1:34:55 - Someone know he was going to be in that file!
1:35:30 - Dead lawyer? Are you trying to mop it up? Cop? But it wasn't your fault! Why are you fighting him? Against all odds indeed. You keep making things worse, idiot.
1:36:50 - Is this Peter Gabriel? Office assistant is back and is hysterical about the death a little bit.
1:39:10 - Cop and a dog trying to threaten the office assistant. They're looking for the body Terry hid.
1:40:35 - The tension is bearable.
1:42:50 - Terry is a kick fighter as he saves the office assistant. She gets a letter opener to get in one of the fake security guard's hands
1:44:45 - Blah blah blah, Jessie is explaining everything to some old man who keeps showing up. Jake and Tommy are yelling about something. Those two groups gets together an have heated discussion. "You've gotten out of hand, Jake."
1:45:50 - Old man is secretly working for Jake. OH NOES.
1:47:08 - Terry gets a leg up on Jake, the old man, and the gang. "Wyler Canyon in an hour." Awwww, it's going down tonight!
1:48: 30 - "I get things done in this town" should have been followed up with "tonight! on Unsolved Mysteries."
1:49:10 - Tommy points a gun at Jake. Racial issues! And the guitar is back. AAAGH.
1:50:08 - Terry's car, but no Phil Collins song yet.
1:51:00 - Another gun is pulled out. All Terry wants is Jake out of his life and then yells, "Because you're a corrupt old man." ATTACK from Terry.
1:52:00 - Dramatic reaction shots. Jake gets desperate. Of course Jessie's got a gun to her head.
1:53:30 - Music update: it's still terrible.
1:54: 15 - Declaration of love, JESSIE SHOOTS THE GUN and kills Jake.
1:55:01 - Old man can help, but only i he works by his rules. Jessie wants him to leave Terry alone. Cut to a sunny day.
1:56:40 - Terry and Old man chat. I guess Terry's not allowed to see Jessie except from the distance of a groundbreaking ceremony.
1:57:34 - Looks like Terry's going to play for the Dolphins. Redemptive, but he can't have Jessie yet since she's on such a tight leash.
1:58:12 - MY SONG!!!!!!! And roll credits.
1:59:00 - No really, they're just showing Jessie at a distance crying in Terry's general direction.
1:59:20 - Freeze frame on Jessie. Man, this song is the best part of the movie (besides the other musical number).
2:01:00 - They kept the freeze frame up the whole credits. THE END.
