The latest nonsensical comment to come from my not so in-depth, but surprisingly well commented on discussion comparing Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Twilight:
Okay, I'll put it straight to you. If Twilight was just about a teenage romance (if you can call it that), then there is no point to adding vampires into the mix. Adding vampires and saying that it is a teenage romance novel is just plain stupid.
The only reason Twilight is so popular is because it lures teenagers (mostly girls I think) with young "hot" actors. Total commercial movie, no real substance.
I can't even begin to understand what this means.
And for even more Twilight insight from yours truly, check out my review of Eclipse over at take148.
So finals week, right? As usual, I'm failing at studying/doing final projects, and am instead on the internet writing nonsense because I'm not even wasting time study time on reading books or watching movie to review. You know what I did tonight instead? Watched the trailer for Eclipse. That's right. The third movie in the "Twilight Saga."
OMG dull. By far this is most painful book I've ever endured, if only because it's SO LONG. I've discussed reasons why before, but overall, I think the story would be so much better if it was, oh, about 2 scenes long. In fact, let me write them for you.
Scene 1
INT. BELLA'S ROOM - NIGHT
EDWARD is standing in his usual stalking place in the corner while BELLA sleeps. BELLA wakes up.
BELLA
What the hell? I thought I asked you to stop doing that.
EDWARD
But you seemed so complacent about developing a healthy relationship before. I didn't dare think you were serious about not wanting me to stalk you at night.
BELLA
Just stop it, okay? Go home and not sleep somewhere else.
EDWARD
AS IF YOU COULD KEEP ME OUT!
BELLA
Recycling lines? Really?
EDWARD
It's a good point.
(Beat)
BELLA
I'll give you that.
EDWARD awkward starts staring at BELLA'S head. She sticks a pillow over her head to avert his gaze.
EDWARD
What? You used to love staring into my perfect eyes that are attached to my marble and Adonis-like body.
BELLA
Well, it's kind of boring, okay?
EDWARD
What?
BELLA
You've obviously lost a lot of social skills over the last century, what with not interacting with people normally. I mean, no wonder you're going out with a high schooler: the ultimate awkward. You just wanted to be with someone even less well-adjusted than you.
EDWARD takes a moment to contemplate this.
EDWARD
Until tonight I have never known myself. It's as if a new person seems to be talking through you.
BELLA
It's telling that you're more or less quoting Cecil Vyse.
EDWARD
Daniel Day-Lewis is a great actor.
BELLA
Which is why he played the snobby, turn of the century nerd so well.
They share a blank look.
BELLA
Anyway, we should break up. I'm sick of seeing your face. Also, you are cold.
EDWARD
Fair enough.
He jumps out the window. BELLA mutters under her breath as she has to get out of bed and close the window herself.
Scene 2
EXT. THE WOODS - DAY
JACOB and BELLA are standing standing in the wood like they do.
BELLA
Well, I broke up with Edward.
JACOB
You did?
BELLA
Yeah, so do you, like, want to hang out?
BELLA bites her lip because she is played by Kristen Stewart.
JACOB
First, let me ask you this: are you going to use me as a both metaphorical and literal sun, seeing as I have a higher than average temperature?
BELLA
Yes. No. Maybe? Can we never use that metaphor again?
JACOB
Oh, thank God. That was getting old. Look, let's go ride motorcycles.
BELLA
Sorry. That reminds me of when I was hallucinating about Edward because I was severely mentally unbalanced and more than a little bit depressed.
JACOB
It was pretty weird how you never left that chair.
BELLA
Yeah, my dad's making me see a therapist now, like he should have in the first place because when your teenage daughter is that depressed about a really boring boy, you should probably seek help, you know?
JACOB
Yeah.
JACOB and BELLA continue to stand in the woods.
BELLA
Well, we could try something normal and teenagery like eat disgusting food at Denny's.
JACOB
There isn't a Denny's near here.
BELLA
There's not?
JACOB
You keep forgetting that Forks is a terrible place to live.
BELLA
These delusions have been so inconvenient. Well, let's see...
(Beat)
Do you or do you not own some sort of video game console?
JACOB
N-64?
BELLA
Mario Kart?
JACOB
You're on.
They somehow reach JACOB'S house from the middle of the woods and play dorky video games. It is infinitely more endearing and interesting than anything that happens in Eclipse.
Because I feel obligated to report what I thought to somebody, even if it's just the internet.
We'll get the negative over with first.
Biggest problem: Bella needs treatment for her depression. Bad.Therapy and meds, please!
Second biggest problem: Too many ideas in one story. Werewolves and the Volturi? Choose one. Also, they're both more interesting than Bella or Edward. Also, this movie shouldn't be over 2 hours long.
Third biggest problem: Jasper wasn't playing baseball. (One of the better things about the first movie.)
Pictured: Jasper not playing baseball :(
Now for the positive, because it's at least an entertaining movie if not exactly well done.
1. Billy Burke is still the best part of the series as Charlie, Bella's dad. Somehow he makes a likable and fleshed-out character in the few minutes of screen time he's given.
Charlie consoling his mentally unbalanced daughter. Personal fun fact: Billy Burke is one of my favorite guest stars on both My Boysand Gilmore Girls.
2. Taylor Lautner brings sincere teenage boy's awkwardness to the screen. He's like the kid who sings some cheesy acoustic pop song at a choir concert/talent show and who's decent/confident enough to pull it off, but not good enough to make you not feel awkward about it. I can't think of another movie that does this so well.
Awkward teenage earnestness--in action!
3. The Italy scenes are lovely. Beautiful colors, beautiful scenery, competent actors.
These people only show up at the very end. It's jarring because they act like vampires should: deliciously creepy.
4. The chase scenes were mostly in slow motion, and I can watch things in slow motion all day (see: Raging Bull). Plus, it means no silly fast motion sprinting (see: Twilight).
5. Edward got to beat people up. Which means less crap coming out of his mouth and less staring at Bella intensely.
I've been waiting for Twilight (2008) to hit the dollar theatre before I saw it, and I must say, it's more entertaining than a lot of movies I've paid full price for. Much like the book, it's a decent story with enough tension to keep you entertained. But also like the book, there's a lot of ridiculous you can laugh at.
Random thoughts:
1. Billy Burke as Charlie Swan, the father, was the best part. He acted like a real person, and was awesome enough to have a shot gun ready for Edward. Also, Taylor Lautner, in his 3 scenes as Jacob, already won me over like in the books. Something about personality in a character makes them more likable. Who knew? To be fair, most of the acting was an improvement on the book. In at least half of the scenes, the characters were incredibly likable. And when Robert Pattinson isn't emo-ing it up or trying to convey anguish in the close-ups of his eyes, he's quite a charmer--certainly an improvement on a god-like statue.
2. The scene in the woods is the worst part. It's the part where Bella decides that she trusts and perhaps loves Edward even without him earning it. Apparently being beautiful and saving a girl a couple times = IMMORTAL LOVE. It's also funny with the awkward exposition and the revelation that vampires sparkle in the sun. I don't think I need to go further in explaining how Ms. Meyer probably should have just invented a new creature instead of bastardizing the vampire myth. Whatever. It is a testament to the film that there was only one real clunker scene. Probably because it was staying too true to the book.
3. Jasper with a baseball bat was honestly the most attractive part of the film. Check at about 1:40, Jasper flipping around a baseball bat in a baseball shirt. Yum.
4. I kind of missed the scene in the book where Edward and Bella are watching a movie in biology and there's a ridiculous amount of teenage sexual tension. I'm not sure how they would have conveyed it without doing even more ridiculous close-ups of Edward staring intently at Bella's head. I guess you can't make Edward not creepy. That 's just part of his character.
5. The cinematography was pretty good. I liked the washed-out colors. It almost felt like home*. My only complaint is how dorky the vampires look when they run. But then again, Twilight vampires glitter, so there you go.
6. My friend Alison and I decided to co-write a novel in a week. We finished today before seeing Twilight and can say with complete certainty that our book is at least as good this one. Watch out world! Stephenie Meyer isn't the only BYU graduate who can write entertaining, but cheesy and kind of crappy novels! Also awesome about BYU: this. I didn't see it, but I love the spirit of it.
7. Overall, just a fun movie. It reminded me why I started reading these books in the first place. Hopefully, the subsequent films will be an improvement on the books. If they can cut down on the times Bella tries to have sex with Edward by even 1/2, it would be a drastic improvement.
8. I can't believe how positive I sound about this film. Oh well.
So I recently discovered hulu.com has the first two seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and now that I'm off my Bones addiction, I figured I could get into again. Little did I know that it's just as awesome as I remembered. But the one thing that stuck out the most is how much better this saga is than Twilight. In fact, episode 7 of season 1 "Angel" boils down the problems with a human dating a vampire into 44 easy minutes, not hundreds of grueling pages.
Besides time, other things about the Buffy/Angel love story is just better than Bella/Edward:
1. Actual personalities and non-obnoxious character traits. Buffy is witty and spunky; Bella is bland and codependant. Angel helps out Buffy only when necessary; Edward looms over Bella creepily.
2. Buffy can take care of herself for the most part and when Angel does help her, they both fight demons/vampires. Bella is lame and can't do anything but annoyingly beg to be a vampire.
3. Vampires in the Buffy world actually get injured and feel pain and presumably sleep. Vampires in the Twilight world are statues and everything about them is awesome except the feeding on people thing (see book 4). Um, way to create NO CONFLICT.
4. Buffy combines kitsch, myth, comedy, and drama all into one successful package. Twilight combines an interesting idea with boring characters, Tolkeinesque tangents, and superfulous repetition to create an unsatisfying package.
5. I'm too tired to list more ways. But seriously, just watch the "Angel" episode. Angel stays at Buffy's overnight without creepily watching her sleep the whole time like a creepy stalker face. Also, he reveals the truth without being lame and making her guess.
To wit,Buffy takes the sting out of reading all four of those terrible books. Joss Whedon is 2349 times more clever and interesting than Stephenie Meyer and her half-formed ideas that only tease at greatness (or at least not terribleness). So, count this as my super-obvious post forthe day and go watch Buffy.
