Because you come here for the hard hitting issues

Thanksgiving brought a binge of USA Networks "White Collar" in which I discovered an actor even my dad described as "almost too good looking." As if such a thing exists.

Anyway, here's the man, Matt Bomer, who plays Neal Caffrey, former(?) art forger/conman/other high class criminal acts guy:

Perfection, down to the slightly mussed wavy hair.

So this is where the hard hitting issues come in: is Matt Bomer prettier than the love of my summer television viewing life "Heroes" star Sendhil Ramamurthy? I mean, look at him:

Also in a suit so as to eliminate variables associated with clothing preference.

Since my brain cannot objectively evaluate their handsomeness, I leave this epic question to you, dear readers.

Which mediocre television program actor is the prettiest?

• 
  
  Matt Bomer


• 
  
  Sendhil Ramamurthy

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Based on three Swedish films about kids...

...I wouldn't recommend raising children there. I mean, it seems like when it's good, it's good. But when it's bad, it's traumatizing and bizarre.

1. Fanny and Alexander (1982)

You may have a fancy Christmas party with your large family:


But your step-dad is a puritanical creeper:


2. My Life as a Dog (1985)

You may get to spend your free time with a buxom lady who forgives you for peaking at her nakedness through a glass ceiling in the roof when you fall through it:


But your mom is suffering a long and painful death:



2. Let the Right One in (2008)

And while you may find a kindred spirit while wearing cozy sweaters:


That kindred spirit may also be a vampire who has this done for h(er?)im so (s?)he can eat:

New Moon (2009), quickly

Because I feel obligated to report what I thought to somebody, even if it's just the internet.

We'll get the negative over with first.

Biggest problem: Bella needs treatment for her depression. Bad.Therapy and meds, please!

Second biggest problem: Too many ideas in one story. Werewolves and the Volturi? Choose one. Also, they're both more interesting than Bella or Edward. Also, this movie shouldn't be over 2 hours long.

Third biggest problem: Jasper wasn't playing baseball. (One of the better things about the first movie.)

Pictured: Jasper not playing baseball :(

Now for the positive, because it's at least an entertaining movie if not exactly well done.

1. Billy Burke is still the best part of the series as Charlie, Bella's dad. Somehow he makes a likable and fleshed-out character in the few minutes of screen time he's given.

Charlie consoling his mentally unbalanced daughter.
Personal fun fact: Billy Burke is one of my favorite guest stars on both My Boys and Gilmore Girls.

2. Taylor Lautner brings sincere teenage boy's awkwardness to the screen. He's like the kid who sings some cheesy acoustic pop song at a choir concert/talent show and who's decent/confident enough to pull it off, but not good enough to make you not feel awkward about it. I can't think of another movie that does this so well.

Awkward teenage earnestness--in action!

3. The Italy scenes are lovely. Beautiful colors, beautiful scenery, competent actors.

These people only show up at the very end. It's jarring because they act like vampires should: deliciously creepy.

4. The chase scenes were mostly in slow motion, and I can watch things in slow motion all day (see: Raging Bull). Plus, it means no silly fast motion sprinting (see: Twilight).

5. Edward got to beat people up. Which means less crap coming out of his mouth and less staring at Bella intensely.


Also, more slow motion.

THE END.

A couple things HIMYM makes me grateful for

The fact that there was another Slapsgiving episode of How I Met Your Mother, with this as the episode topper:

And the fact that this never stops being funny:

Cannonball Read #3: Wuthering Heights

Wuthering Heights. Where to begin? The classic romance penned by Emily Bronte is often alluded to, but no one ever tells you the main plot line sucks. The main story takes place between Catherine Earnshaw and an orphaned young boy taken in by her father who is given one name: Heathcliff. He's rough and poor, with a vengeful temperment, and a healthy dose of mysterious birth. This apparently means he's got some gypsy blood because it's the 19th century and gypsy prejudice is a golden literary opportunity. Anyway, the father dies, leaving the two friends to face the snobbish cruelty of Catherine's older brother. As the two grow up, they are obviously head over heels for each other, but Catherine is lured by the civility of the household at the Grange, home of the Lintons. Heathcliff disappears for a few years and Cathy ends up marrying the affable, but far less passionate Mr. Linton. A few years later, Heathcliff shows up to ruin their marriage like the devil he is. Drama drama drama.

The saving grace of the book is the framing device of a stranger renting out the Grange, the closest neighbor to Wuthering Heights. Mr. Lockwood meets the strange household of Wuthering Heights, and subsequently gets the whole story out of his housekeeper, Ellen Dean. And luckily, Nelly has the whole story, having served in both houses at particularly opportune times. And Mr. Lockwood luckily has a sense of humor. He's amused by the whole ordeal, and obviously loves a good story, but has no intention of sticking around these crazy people. Emily Bronte was a genius to include a skeptical perspective because, as much as I love a good tragic romance, the initial one is just lame.

However, the second part of the book is far more engaging. It's kind of like Wuthering Heights: The Next Generation. Here we see Heathcliff wreak havoc on the lives of Catherine and Linton's daughter, his and Linton's sister's baby (Heathcliff marries Catherine's husband's sister, out of spite of course), and the cruel older brother Earnshaw's son. It's slightly confusing and incestuous in a first cousin sort of way, but deliciously so. Heathcliff has gone completely mad, and it's hilarious to read. All my new favorite insults come from him: "You infernal calf," "whey-faced whining wretch," "insolent slut." My new life goal is to use these in real life.

From the reputation of the book, I would have thought the romance was the best part of the book, but Heathcliff is no romantic lead, just some sort of heartless heathen. I wasn't expecting that, basing my knowledge of the book on the 1939 classic Laurence Olivier film adaptation (and when is Laurence Olivier ever short of sympathetic and charming?). And the other half of the romance, Catherine (the elder), is absolutely insufferable.

But in the end, my enjoyment in Wuthering Heights was mostly for the gossipy tone of the framing device. After all, what's more fun than telling stories of the ridiculous people in your life? I got to read the juiciest of all juicy stories with some great moments of drama and superstition wrapped into the prudish visage of 19th century societal norms. That's a pretty good read.

Push (2009)

Push is a surprisingly decent movie. Much like last year's Jumper, it's a film about extraordinary individuals who are being hunted down by a menacing organization. Except Push manages to get competent and laid back performances out of the actors with a minimum of exposition.

The beginning has a brief summary of psychic abilities and how Nazis were trying to experiment on people with them (always the Nazis). But the experiments continue, and even the American government is in on it. The film takes place in Tokyo, where telekinetic--mover--Nick (Chris Evans) fails to move dice in a game of craps (or whatever you play with 3 dice), escaping angry gamblers who happen to have some bleeders (they yell and alive things start to bleed). And of course the secret organization US gov organization, Division, tracks him down after years on the run by a decade-old toothbrush that a sniffer used to find him. They're looking for an escaped girl that Nick doesn't know about. It works better than it sounds, I swear. Also, I love vague entity names.

Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning are so chill in this movie for all their characters' parental issues. Also, nice beard, Chris.

Anyways, a 13-year-old watcher (prescient) named Cassie (Dakota Fanning) comes in after the Division men leave to tell Nick that they could find something worth $6 million. She draws adorable pictures of the future on black paper and what appear to be thick Gelly Roll pens. Following her pictures they end up eventually running into the escaped girl that turns out to be Nick's ex-girlfriend Kira (Camilla Belle), who is only an ex- because she was snatched by the Division. Or is she?

So, from here on out, they're trying to keep Kira safe, find the money, and prevent everyone's death. Also, other psychic people show up to help out, more adorable drawings are drawn. Also, the bleeder/gamblers are part of a Chinese version of Division or something, and are also trying to track down the case worth 6mil. It's slightly confusing and pretty involved. Also, Djimon Hounsou shows up as the pusher villain (he can puts thoughts into other people's heads) with some sort of wonky accent I think was supposed to be American..

Gelly Roll pens, right? Also, a future filled with adorable death.

I'd probably need to see this movie again to really make sense of it. Not that it's especially brilliant, it's just caught between letting the story be told without extraneous monologuing and trying to fool the audience with lack of information. I appreciate not being told every 2 seconds what the mythology is (take note FlashForward or Heroes), so I'm not sure if being kind of confused is a legit complaint since being taken for a ride is the point.

But whatever, it was an amusing way to spend an hour and half. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning are surprisingly endearing in a low-key sort of way. The on location scenery is gorgeous, with fun Hong Kong city lights and drab fish markets.

And the fight scenes, even with special powers, had a realistic lag to them rarely seen in choreographed movie fights. In fact, Camilla Belle was in my favorite fight which incorporated her power of pushing an idea into a Division agent's head with enough spunk to fight for her life. Part of it can be seen here:

Girls who kick ass are always good in my book.

Anyway, if you happen upon this movie sometime on TV or something, watch it. It's not spectacular or particularly competent, but it's surprisingly low key and watchable for such a high concept movie.