cheerful cynicism

Two unfinishable films

2012-01-31T20:24:00.000-08:00

There's a momentum to movies, a momentum that if lost bears the movies unfinishable. This happened to me twice in the last few weeks. I stepped away, paused the movie, and then decided they couldn't be finished. This is a pretty huge occurrence. I almost always finish movie to a fault. But let's be honest, I'm pretty sure I'll never regret not finishing Green Lantern and Water for Elephants.

And what is with this fish guy's rib cage?

Green Lantern seemed to sap all charisma out of Ryan "charisma is what I bring to the table" Reynolds during its paint-by-numbers origin. I've said it several times, I'll say it for eternity: superhero origin stories are boring. Like, I realize every does a superhero nowadays, but they could at least sometimes be interesting. Please? Plus, the premise of will/green vs. fear/yellow comes off as obtuse on film. And why does every speak English in space if Reyrey is the first human on the Green Lantern team? And why is Blake Lively cast in everything? Guess I'll never know because I walked away.

Honestly, the elephant was probably the most compelling character in the film.

Water for Elephants proved that Robert Pattinson is pretty good looking when he's not wearing 10 pounds of pale white foundation. Reese Witherspoon's costumes were pretty, and Christoph Waltz is a good creepy man. Too bad it was mostly bland, although not terrible. Mostly, the movie got paused, and my g-friend and I decided life coaching each other was a better idea than finishing the movie.

So tell me friends, what movies have been unfinishable for you lately?

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of February 4, 2012

2012-01-30T17:50:00.004-08:00

Another month and only a few new songs in the Billboard Hot 100 Top 10. Let's take a look-see.

10. "Domino" by Jessie J

Apparently this Jessie J thing is happening no matter what, so congratulations world, one more song for large dance camp numbers.

9. "Niggas in Paris" by Jay-Z and Kanye West

(via occupypawnee)

'Nuff said.

8. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson

I kind of like Kelly Clarkson despite the fact that each of her songs sounds the same/are about deadbeat exes. At least she usually has an empowering message?

7. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO

Please let this fall in the charts mean that this song will soon fade from the radio waves.

6. "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars
This song gets more hilariously mopey with each listen.

5. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry

I've become obsessed with how K. Per says "meh" (met) and "Radioheah" (Radiohead) during the first verse of this song. Needless to say, I'm over it.

4. "Turn Me On" by David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj

David Guetta has been turning out some good dance hits lately, this time with Nicki Minaj who is singing and limiting her crazy rap style. Thanks for importing M. Guetta, France!

3. "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida

Over it. Flo Rida's douchiness is finally overwhelming every listen to this song.

2. "We Found Love" by Rihanna
Still happening.

1. "Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Stop it. Just stop releasing these horrible songs. You're a talented girl, so stop being so obnoxious. And take some Prozac.

2011 Movie Roundup: 109-129

2012-01-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

Last chunk of the movies I saw in 2011 for the first time. See also: 1-21, 22-42, 43-64, 65-86, 87-108.

109. Paris is Burning (1990)-- Another one of my favorite films I saw in 2011. Fascinating look at drag culture in New York in the late 80s. I adore every personality in this film. Just delightful.

110. Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991)-- This documentary actually gave me some respect for the mythical Madonna. As much as the voiceover narration sounds contrived or as needy for attention (theater kid-level neediness) as Madonna acted, I could appreciate that what she was doing on this tour was hard work. It also gave me a glimpse of Madonna before the pretentiousness/fake British accent.

111. The Thin Blue Line (1988)-- Another haunting documentary from Errol Morris, this time involving a murder.

112. Girl, Interrupted (1999)-- Remember when Angelina Jolie was super weird and Winona Ryder was relevant? I enjoyed this look at 1960s mental hospitals quite a bit.

113. Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)-- Wedding porn and terrible relationships. Billy Burke's Charlie continues to be the best character in these films.

114. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011)-- It was fine. I've lost steam with this franchise. Good thing it's over.

115. Hugo (2011)-- Absolutely delightful. Even Sacha Baron Cohen captured my heart.

116. Larry Crowne (2011)-- Meh.

117. Network (1976)-- A satire that works just as well today as it did in 1976.

118. Babes in Toyland (1961)-- Very 1960s Disney.

119. Boys Don’t Cry (1999)-- Impressed by the performances in this film.

120. The Bounty Hunter (2010)-- I can't really say I disliked this movie. It was amusing enough for a Saturday afternoon.

121. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)-- Enchanting. Great visuals, fun horror story.

122. Come Early Morning (2006)-- I adore Ashley Judd, and I enjoyed watching her in a sweet, small scale film.

123. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990)-- Delightful, funny, great small humorous moments. Gary Oldman and Tim Roth play off each other well.

124. The Piano Teacher (2001)-- Sexual repression and piano playing. Really depressing.

125. Weekend (2011)-- LOVE. An indie romance that felt honest.

126. Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows (2011)-- Fun, more coherent than the first Guy Ritchie take on Sherlock Holmes. Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law are a pleasure to watch.

127. Tangled (2010)-- Decent animated musical, although it's still harping on the "revised humor fairytale" genre that's been ubiquitous for the last decade. However, I am obsessed with the sidekick chameleon and his cute little chameleon hands/feet.

128. Algiers (1938)-- Love this film and the doomed romance between a hidden criminal and an engaged French woman. Apparently this film was inspiration for both Casablanca and Pepé Le Pew.

129. Gnomeo & Juliet (2011)-- Surprisingly fun gnome version of Romeo and Juliet. Using James McAvoy and Emily Blunt as voice talents doesn't hurt.

THE END.

2011 Movie Roundup: 87-108

2012-01-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

Movies 2011, y'all. See also: 1-21, 22-42, 43-64, 65-86.

87. Unknown (2011)-- Liam Neeson: badass action star. January Jones: beautiful blank slate.

88. Year of the Carnivore (2009)-- Indie comedy(?) that gets real weird about sex.

89. 8: The Mormon Proposition (2010)-- A little too blatantly biased, but some good information and questions about Mormon involvement in Proposition 8.

90. I Don’t Know How She Does It (2011)-- Being rich is so hard.

91. Do the Right Thing (1989)-- It's more stage play than cinematic, but everything about this film just works. In addition, "Fight the Power" will be stuck in your head for about a week after watching this.

92. Hunger (2008)-- So very bleak, but Steve McQueen puts an impressive amount of trust in his actors to create the atmosphere of this film.

93. Arranged (2007)-- Cute film about an Orthodox Jewish woman and a Muslim woman becoming friends and seeking husbands in their respective cultures.

94. Drive (2011)-- Pretty damn cool.

95. The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (1970)-- Fairly amusing Sherlock Holmes mystery that is far more coherent than the recent Guy Ritchie takes on the character.

96. White Palace (1990)-- Alright, I was on a sexual James Spader kick in 2011, and this time in a May-December romance with Susan Sarandon. Kind of a mediocre film, but enough interesting character development to be engaging.

97. Marie Antoinette (2006)-- Fun blend of modern music and color palette with 18th Century costuming and politics. For me, it works.

98. Footloose (2011)-- Just as corny as the original but without the nostalgia. I would love to see Miles Teller (the dance impaired sidekick) in more films.

99. The Last of the Mohicans (1992)-- It's a 90s action movie. Not much more.

100. Source Code (2011)-- More engaging than I thought it would be.

101. The Ides of March (2011)-- Serviceable, but ultimately nothing more than a film pandering to a middle-aged, liberal, white audience.

102. Thirteen (2003)-- Watching this film is when I learned that Evan Rachel Wood has played the same obnoxious character since 2003. It worked well for this film, although can't say the same about The Ides of March. Holly Hunter is pretty great though.

103. Dogville (2003)-- Still don't know what to do with this film, but I appreciate a good allegory I also liked that the gimmicky stage-like sets paid off well in several scenes juxtaposing what was said and what was actually being done.

104. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)-- Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway make a beautiful couple that helps perpetuate the myth of Bonnie and Clyde.

105. The Exorcist (1973)-- I was thoroughly impressed by this film. I haven't enjoyed a horror film this much since I saw Rosemary's Baby. The slow pace built up effective suspense, and Ellen Burstyn sold me on the fright.

106. Scream (1996)-- Fun slasher pic. Enjoyed it more than I expected.

107. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)-- Appreciated Chris Evans' low-key performance, Stanley Tucci being Stanley Tucci, and the 1940s art design and costuming. Overall, kind of dull. Also, STOP WITH THE ORIGIN STORIES, PLEASE.

108. The 39 Steps (1935)-- Absolutely charming thriller.

2011 Movie Roundup: 65-86

2012-01-10T17:25:00.001-08:00

More movies I saw in 2011. See also: 1-21, 22-42, 43-64.

65. Friends with Benefits (2011)-- Can't decide how much I like this movie, but I was charmed but some of the more genuine moments (i.e., those that didn't involve flash mobs or pretending Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are employable for anything other than hotness).

66. X-Men: First Class (2011)-- I could watch James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender do anything. However, if I never watch another superhero origin story, I'll die happy.

67. Walking and Talking (1996)-- Introduced me to Billy Bragg. Worth it.

68. Starter for 10 (2006)-- James McAvoy and Rebecca Hall are charming.

69. Becoming Jane (2007)-- I'm embarrassed for myself for watching this film, and for Anne Hathaway's terrible English accent.

70. Reality Bites (1994)-- Eeeh, not as bad I thought it would be. Pretty watchable. Ethan Hawke makes a good douchebag.

71. Horrible Bosses (2011)-- One of those movies you see because you don't really want to watch anything else in the theaters and you need something to do. Charlie Day manages to made me laugh at least once.

72. Dangerous Beauty (1998)-- Watched this for Rufus Sewell. Kind of a terrible, soft focus, historical drama.

73. Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter Jr. (1999)-- Fascinating documentary about a man claimed to be an execution device expert and how he turns into a Holocaust denier. Officially love Errol Morris.

74. Empire Records (1995)-- I'm about ten years older than I should have been to truly enjoy this film. However, Ethan Embry forever.

75. Wishful Thinking (1996)-- Did I even watch this movie? It stars Jon Stewart, Drew Barrymore, and Jennifer Beale?

76. Trollhunter (2010)-- Finally, someone takes the found footage genre and makes it fun and Norwegian.

77. 30 Minutes or Less (2011)-- Danny McBride is the worst. Jesse Eisenberg is wonderful when he's frantic.

78. Adam (2009)-- Hugh Dancy puts a good effort into playing a man with Asperger's. Rose Byrne puts in a mediocre effort into playing a human being.

79. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)-- Finally saw the whole thing. I'm probably way too young to really appreciate the film, but I enjoy its portrayal of teenagers since it seems a lot more honest than most teen films today.

80. The Usual Suspects (1995)-- Kind of like that time I finally saw A Beautiful Mind, and I already knew the twist and the experience was less than mind blowing. Except The Usual Suspects is actually interesting/well-crafted/suspenseful/engaging/any positive adjective.

81. Love Jones (1997)-- Charming. Makes me wonder whatever happened to spoken word, Nia Long, and Bill Bellamy.

82. One Day (2011)-- The return of Anne Hathaway's awful English accent, although there was still enough charm to make it enjoyable (think The Lake House). I'm kind of pissed they relegated Romola Garai to a minor role.

83. Staying Alive (1983)-- John Travolta plays an asshole and a mediocre dancer in this poorly scripted sequel to Saturday Night Fever. Cynthia Rhodes and Frank Stallone's smooth grooves were clearly the best part of the film.

84. 50/50 (2011)-- Confused why this is so praised. Anna Kendrick and Seth Rogen play the same characters they always do (it's getting old), and Bryce Dallas Howard is the shrewish girlfriend (a more nuanced look at this character would have GREAT to see). Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and Anjelica Huston however hold the thing together enough to make it worth it.

85. Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)-- Mainstream clever. Wish I could box up Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone's relationship for sad, depressing, rainy days.

86. Dangerous Liaisons (1988)-- John Malkovich is my favorite creepy seducer. He's equal parts repulsive and humorous, and I can never get over how that sweet sounding lisp of his sounds like pure evil. Also, remember how Keanu Reeves kept getting cast in period pieces?

2011 Movie Roundup: 43-64

2012-01-09T22:11:00.001-08:00

More movies I saw for the first time in 2011. See also: 1-21, 22-42.

43. Y Tu Mama, Tambien (2001)-- Cute boys, beautiful woman, sexy times.

44. Secretary (2002)-- James Spader, once again being emotionally damaged and creepily alluring, this time with Maggie Gyllenhaal being adorably submissive.

45. Bridesmaids (2011)-- One of the few Apatow produced movies that I actually found funny. Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig can sell me on anything.

46. High Road (2011)-- I saw this at SIFF. It's more proof that improvised movies are exceedingly dull (except for the Lizzy Caplan parts, of course).

47. Lust, Caution (2007)-- INTENSE. One of the better films about the toll of the spying life.

48. Dan in Real Life (2007)-- Why would Juliette Binoche date Dane Cook?

49. Teeth (2007)-- Apparently I went through a 2007 phase this spring. Anyway, great premise that allows the myth of vagina dentata to shine light on abstinence and religion. Too bad the third act falls apart.

50. The New World (2005)-- Not without its flaws, but it makes up for it by being so beautiful and meditative. I'd say it's heavy competition for Bright Star in its representation of young love, but manages to do it in a way that actually moves me.

51. Easier with Practice (2009)-- Late night Netflix choice that is a decent movie about loneliness. And by "decent," I mean less painful than most indie movies.

52. Killing Bono (2011)-- It's about the band that was almost U2. It never leaves "sad sack" territory, so the laughs never really come.

53. The Piano (1993)-- Speaking of Jane Campion, I wanted so badly to be taken into this film, but it stopped short. It's like listening to someone play a piano sonatina with a heavy hand--it's just not quite right. However, there's beautiful cinematography and a brilliant Holly Hunter.

54. Humpday (2009)-- Interesting indie movie about straight, male friends who try to sleep together for an amateur porn festival. It's better than it sounds, I swear. Smartly written.

55. Super 8 (2011)-- Fun and instantly forgettable summer adventure film. Loved the kids' zombie film.

56. The Muppet Movie (1979)-- I can't believe I never seen this movie before, but it showed me why muppet movies are such a big deal in the first place.

57. Anyone and Everyone (2007)-- This documentary depicts families dealing with a son or daughter coming out as gay. Sometimes heartwarming, sometimes heartbreaking, I was an emotional wreck after watching this film. The Mormon family was especially touching because the they were so supportive. Recommended for anyone trying to reconcile homosexuality and religion.

58. Attack the Block (2011)-- British street kids and aliens. 'nuff said.

59. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)-- This movie wasn't nearly as funny as I had heard. Christopher Meloni was best in show as the crazy Vietnam vet.

60. Muriel’s Wedding (1994)-- I don't really think I get Australian comedy, but I always enjoy Toni Collette.

61. The Tree of Life (2011)-- The most spiritual moment of my year was seeing this film. Beautiful and transcendent with a gorgeous soundtrack.

62. Planet Terror/Death Proof (2007)-- I'm just lumping these two together. I enjoyed the gross-out horror style of Planet Terror much more than the loooooong buildup of Death Proof, although Death Proof has a great car chase scene in the end.

63. The Waiting Room (2007)-- I vaguely remember watching this movie. Another mediocre indie.

64. Half Nelson (2006)-- This film and Ryan Gosling's acting were just as good as I had heard. An indie movie that does well at developing characters and character arcs.

2011 Movie Roundup: 22-42

2012-01-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

I continue to describe every movie I saw in 2011 that was new to me. See also: 1-21.

22. Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)-- This film is unstatisfying in the most perfect way. Schoolgirls in 1900 Australia go missing after a picnic at Hanging Rock. Peter Weir continues to impress.

23. Rory O'Shea Was Here (2004)-- Feel good movie about claiming independence and proof that James McAvoy can charm even strapped into a wheelchair. This film is also proof that Romola Garai is pretty great in modern films and not just corset dramas.

24. Mystery Team (2009)-- Kind of funny, but overstayed its welcome. (Sorry, Donald Glover.)

25. Practical Magic (1998)-- Yes, it's kind of awful, but it stars so many lovely ladies: Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman, STOCKARD CHANNING, Dianne Wiest. Perfect for doing chores to.

26. Children of a Lesser God (1986)-- I'm still pissed they cut off Marlee Matlin's signing hands for the sake of a close up. Overall, this movie is a little unsettling, although it has a decent message, kind of.

27. Yentl (1983)-- A cross-dressing movie that definitely starts to get weird (mostly for the unsuspecting bride Barbra Streisand's character takes on). But my biggest beef with this movie is how do you make a musical that co-stars Mandy Patinkin and not have him sing?

28. Fish Tank (2009)-- Lower class teen and mom's new boyfriend. Talk about another relationship that gets weird. Young Katie Jarvis does well in this film as does Michael Fassbender.

29. The Fly (1986)-- Jeff Goldblum starts to turn into a fly. Things get SUPER weird. Great gross-out moments.

30. Starship Troopers (1997)-- There are a lot of angular jawlines.

31. The Pick-up Artist (1987)-- This movie was background, so I really don't know what was happening. I'm pretty sure it was mediocre-bad and involved the mafia. Robert Downey, Jr. and Molly Ringwald make an odd pairing.

32. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010)-- Not bad. Nicholas Cage makes some decent family-friendly adventures.

33. The Graduate (1967)-- More weirdness, this time in the form of a mother, daughter, and dude love triangle. I will say it accurately captures post-collegiate ennui.

34. Jackie Brown (1997)-- This may be my favorite Tarantino. It's more straightforward and has the least distracting sideplots out of all his films except Inglourious Basterds. Plus, it introduced me to Pam Grier.

35. Skyline (2010)-- Not nearly bad enough to be funny. It's just bad.

36. The Fall (2006)-- Beautiful images and sweet story.

37. XX/XY (2002)-- I need to stop pretending like Mark Ruffalo's movies are going to be fun to watch in any way.

38. Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)-- Cool fight sequences.

39. Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)--Not nearly as much fun as Vol. 1.

40. The Thin Red Line (1998)-- Terrance Malick just works for me. It's definitely a slow film with montages and voiceovers that work on a visceral level. Beautiful.

41. A Clockwork Orange (1971)-- I also need to stop pretending that I'm going to be blown away by a Stanley Kubrick film. This has some iconic moments and images, but the film doesn't seem to express everything it wants to express.

42. The Greatest Movie Ever Sold (2011)-- Clever meta-documentary about the role advertisement and product placement have in the media. Also, I loved how much Morgan Spurlock loved Mane 'n Tail shampoo.

2011 Movie Roundup: 1-21

2012-01-05T13:53:00.000-08:00

I figured it was about time to put my giant "what I watched for the first time this year" list to good use. Namely, subject it to my readers. Friends, I watched 129 movies this year, and, in case you're asking, it's about on par for my viewing from the last two years. Additionally, this is a good excuse to post about all those movies I meant to post about, but was too busy, unemployed, depressed, or lazy to write about. Let's go:

1. Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010)-- Engaging pseudo-documentary/experiment/performance art. Good story, Banksy is still mysterious, all is right in the world.

2. Donnie Darko (2001)-- Many people tell me this is one of their favorite movies. I might say the same thing if I was 15. Delighted by the use of Tears for Fears songs.

3. Beautiful Girls (1996)-- This film encapsulates my theory about Natalie Portman: she's the perfect blank canvas for people to project onto. Here, she represents the potential for new love. Bless Timothy Hutton for making this seem sweet and not creepy.

4. Lucas (1986)-- Made-for-TV level quality about being a dork in high school starring Corey Haim. Winona Ryder shows up.

5. Latter Days (2003)-- Endearing indie romance about a closeted Mormon missionary and the gay neighbor that takes a bet to seduce him. Cheesy.

6. Heat (1995)-- I remember thinking this was good. Hot shots like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Val Kilmer are in it (does Val Kilmer belong on that list? Sure. I'm going with it), but a couple of my favorite actresses, Amy Brenneman and Ashley Judd, are in this, too.

7. Blue Valentine (2010)-- Good performances, but I almost died of Too Much Hipster when Grizzly Bear's music played as the soundtrack.

8. Baby Doll (1956)-- The creative ways sexuality is portrayed in this movie blow me away. Also, can we talk about how I find Eli Wallach kind of attractive after this movie? Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.

9. Kiss Them for Me (1957)-- This came in this Cary Grant movie set my mom got from Costco. I'm afraid to watch any of the other ones in this set*, it is that bad. This was also my first introduction to Jayne Mansfield. TERRIFYING.

10. Red (2010)-- Inoffensive.

11. Amazing Grace-- A little too biopic-y for my taste, but Romola Garai and Benedict Cumberbatch make for endearing supporting characters.

12. Reservoir Dogs (1992)-- Solid film.

13. Pulp Fiction (1994)-- I still don't get what the deal was with the non-linear narrative--like, does it emphasize the chaos/randomness of the events or is Tarantino just messing with timelines because this is a movie and that's what you can do with movies?--but definitely intriguing.

14. Ghost World (2001)-- Watched this because my grad school buddy said we were exactly like Thora Birch and Scarlett Johansson in this movie. This is true. Too bad the story falls apart at the end.

15. sex, lies, and videotape (1989)-- My sister has recently expressed her dislike of James Spader, saying that he's "creepy"**. Sure, he's kind of a creep, but a strangely alluring one. In Steven Soderbergh's first big hit, he's an emotionally damaged and introverted creep, and who doesn't love that?

16. Big Night (1996)-- I LOVE STANLEY TUCCI, even in this "an actor directed this movie and it's obvious" film. Great scenes of silent acting (even by gawky Marc Anthony) and also, Isabella Rossellini.

17. Ocean’s Twelve (2004)-- Yet another random gift, this time from a roommate who gave me a couple random-ass movies for Christmas. Apparently, there was a reason I didn't see this movie before then. It seems to just slog along until the finish. Not even the James Spader-like, creepy/alluring Vincent Cassel could save this.

18. Dogtooth (2009)-- Um, kind of the perfect weird movie. Quirky, but with a dark, dark underbelly. In fact, it's kind of terrifying, but it's too fascinating to look away.

19. The Virgin Suicides (1999)-- One of my favorites that I saw this year. The tone is nostalgic, sad, macabre, and sometimes humorous. To me, it is perfect--I even loved the narration. It adapts the source material well, and I have never seen Heart's music put to better use.

20. Made in Heaven (1987)-- This is one of those meant-to-be-together movies. They are the worst in the romantic story genre because it neither focuses on the exciting falling-in-love part or the mature difficulties-in-a-relationship part but instead makes us look at two boring people with no chemistry for two hours. Timothy Hutton and Kelly McGillis meet in ~~the pre-existence~~ heaven and then have to find each other on earth or something? I wasn't paying very much attention.

21. Jane Eyre (2011)-- Well done adaptation. Captures the horror and some of the humor of the novel.

*Of course An Affair to Remember and The Bishop's Wife are quality sappy pics. It's the other ones I'm worried about.

**And Ancient Aliens, and even James Spader as an ancient astronaut theorist. I know, I don't get it either.

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of January 7, 2012

2012-01-03T22:36:00.002-08:00

Happy New Year, kids. What does 2012 have to offer? More of the same and some new awfulness.

10. "Dance (A$$)" by Big Sean featuring Nicki Minaj

I can't believe this is a real song.

9. "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO

Seriously guys? Stop shuffling.

8. "Someone Like You" by Adele

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

7. "Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele

In case you didn't want to cut yourself enough from the last song, how about another instant adult contemporary classic from Adele. I've only heard it once, and I'm already sick of it.

6. "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida
Eeeh. Still energetic.

5. "Niggas in Paris" by Jay-Z and Kanye West

Who knew that Blades of Glory would be featured in a quality hip-hop single?

4. "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars
Middle school dance, much?

3. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry

Not as catchy as her other songs, so it's kind of become mediocre filler radio to me.

2. "We Found Love" by Rihanna
I keep forgetting the British accent in this video; it's so 15-year-old angst. Still some great sugar pop.

1. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO

I just learned that these two are an uncle-nephew duo. I don't know what to do with that information, but I can say for sure that I'm continually dumbfounded by this group's success.

The Sexiest Men Alive According to Kelsy This Year

2011-12-23T13:10:00.001-08:00

I know my readers were all, "Kelsy, when are you going to create a response post to your sister's 'The Sexiest Men Alive According to Lauren This Year' post and People's Sexiest Men Alive issue?" Well folks, here it is. I tried to keep my choices relevant to 2011 and what work these fellas did in the time. Enjoy:

Jake Johnson (Nick from New Girl, or Bootleg Ruffalo): Look, he makes Zooey Deschanel's Jess tolerable, which is a rare feat indeed.

Sexual tension and Christmas: two of my favorite things.

Donald Glover (Troy from Community, Childish Gambino, that one time his poster was in Awkward Black Girl): He manages to be dumb-funny and smart-funny at the same time.

Also, Donald took the one good thing about Bruce Springsteen (the white shirt/jeans/red thing in pocket look) and put it to work.

Ryan Gosling (hipster boyfriend/husband in Blue Valentine, impeccable dressed playboy in Crazy Stupid Love, the Driver in Drive): the kid's been all over the place this year, but he's earning his keep. Except in The Ides of March, but I'm going to have to blame that on the insufferable Evan Rachel Wood and really mediocre filmmaking.

Sporting the beard that makes The Notebook watchable.

Robert Sheehan (Nathan from Misfits, the less stupid brother in Killing Bono): I like an Irish accent and a goofy sense of humor. The curly hair, dreamy eyes, and skinny body are just gravy.

Serious face.

Adam Scott (Ben from Parks and Rec): I could watch him make an "Are you kidding me?" face all day, when he's not making cute, lovey faces at Leslie Knope.

Seriously, are you kidding me?

Mark Foster (frontman of Foster the People): This dude is the epitome of goofy-hot. He's got David Byrne syndrome on stage, but is infectiously fun. Plus, he made an adorable pair with Gabourey Sidibe in Foster's "Don't Stop (Color on the Walls)" video, because two adorable people make a lot of adorable.

He also pulls off perma-greasy hair.

James McAvoy (X-Men: First Class): For smoldering eyes and great chemistry with every co-star he has ever had, from the wooden Keira Knightly to the also sexy Michael Fassbender.

THE INTENSITY IN THOSE EYES.

Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock): I just love smart assholes.

The epitome of British hot, which is another way of saying goofy-hot, but also British.

Lyman Johnson (White Jay on Awkward Black Girl): Awkward is way better than boring Fred.

Awwww.

Michael Fassbender (X-Men: First Class, Jane Eyre): For the self-assured smoldering eyes.

Mmm, disheveled 19th Century realness.

Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter franchise): For getting through puberty and turning out hot as well as being one of the few characters I still cared about by the end of Deathly Hallows Part 2.

Nice Cardigan

Damon Wayans, Jr. (Brad from Happy Endings and the black roommate from the pilot of New Girl): Talk about goofy humor, his physical comedy is perfection. Plus, he knows his Gilmore Girls.

Also loves Indecent Proposal-ing.

"Thinking About You" from worst to best

2011-12-21T00:25:00.002-08:00

So, here's a Justin Bieber ft. Jaden Smith cover of Frank Ocean's "Thinking About You":

This is an American tragedy.

Even this Angie Davis character gets it better than these two teen heartthrobs (is Jaden a heartthrob yet? Has the Smith family forced him upon our innocent tweens enough for that to happen?):

And these sweet harmonies from Christian, Tim, Anton & Harry:

How about these guys called Twilite acoustically bringing their game:

Or even this way too attractive Gabe Bondoc and his ukulele:

But nothing beats the original:

Frank Ocean - Thinking About You (music video) from High5Collective on Vimeo.

My old roommate said I reminded her of Zooey Deschanel on New Girl

2011-12-08T21:46:00.003-08:00

Apparently, I go around singing things all the time (pretty accurate), but I can guarantee my hair doesn't look that good, I don't have as big of a selection of vintage dresses, and I'm socially competent. I AM NOT ZOOEY DESCHANEL. Ahem. Anyway, I just marathoned a bunch of episodes, and I guess I'll go with that comparison as long as it means I can have a Nick in my life:

I KNOW. SHE'S INSUFFERABLE, BUT JAKE M. JOHNSON* IS SO ATTRACTIVE.

Just don't make me be as obnoxious as Zooey Deschanel. It would make my already depressing life that much worse. Here, let me distract you from my emo moment with this terrible shipper video:

*Or, as my friend calls him, Bootleg Mark Ruffalo.

What I learned from Babes in Toyland (1961)

2011-12-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

1. All fairytales take place in one location: town square.

2. Talking trees aren't just for JRR Tolkein.

3. Annette Funicello has the acting capacity of January Jones.

4. 1960s children's films are probably better if you're on acid.

5. In the words of YouTube commenter slut4berniesanders :

"The worst part about having your beloved fiance die is that there's no one around to do math for you! Am I right, ladies??"

6. Good villain flunkies are hard to come by.

7. Good physical comedy is also hard to come by.

8. I'm attracted to any/all young, haphazard scientists. See also Beast from X-Men: First Class before he mutated.

Sexy Grumio.

9. Male love interests cross-dressing as gypsy fortune tellers is always a good idea. See also Jane Eyre.

10. If you're going to be villain, pussfooting is occasionally a good idea.

11. The best way to make children less obnoxious in a movie is to cut them out of the movie during key action scenes.

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of December 3, 2011

2011-11-30T23:32:00.002-08:00

Another month and more dance beats have entered the charts. Let's check it out.

10. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry

Another catchy song from Katy Perry. At least it's not "Someone Like You"-level sad given the dance beat. Plus, Diego Luna is pretty hot in the video, so I'll allow it.

9. "Take Care" by Drake featuring Rihanna

Rihanna owns my soul at this point. She's cranking out a lot of good songs lately, even in the midst of mediocre songs she's releasing. But damn, I'm liking this collaboration with Drake.

8. "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine
Really?

7. "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida

This would be a great workout song, if I actually worked out. I have to say I'm just glad someone is sampling a recent house artist for the chorus rather than covering overplayed indie hits from the Garden State soundtrack era. Sorry, that's been weighing on my mind lately.

6. "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
Still around.

5. "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars

I'm too distracted by Bruno Mars' Jason Priestly hair in this video to comment on how perfect this song choice is for the Breaking Dawn: Part 1 soundtrack.

4. "Without You" by David Guetta featuring Usher
I for one welcome the return of dance pop songs. At least pop music is serving a purpose (spontaneous dance parties) in addition to being candy music these days.

3. "Someone Like You" by Adele
Not enough "I can't" in the world.

2. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO
I don't hate this song as much as I used to. The "wiggle" breakdown is just so ridiculous, you have to admire a grown person for putting it in a song.

1. "We Found Love" by Rihanna
Haven't gotten sick of it yet.

Clark Gable Realness

2011-11-11T13:37:00.004-08:00

Robert Donat seems to be the British answer to Clark Gable's Peter Warne (It Happened One Night) in The 39 Steps, tweed suit and all. 39 Steps starts out as a fairly serious film with a few wisecracks and ends up being downright screwball, albeit with a large helping of Hitchcock's "wrongfully accused" sauce. Consider me charmed.

Anyway, here's an excuse to compare some great mustaches of the 1930s from both Donat and Gable.

Donat ended up surprisingly sassy in The 39 Steps playing against Madeleine Carroll.

Um, the most serious picture I have of Gable and Colbert.

This has got to be the least obnoxious "hand-cuffed together" story line I've ever seen. Was this one of the first?

But I think It Happened One Night wins out in the end since you get to see these two spar for the better part of the movie, what with the donut dunking and all.

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of November 5, 2011

2011-11-01T23:11:00.001-07:00

Hope you're recovered from Halloween. I, myself, got wild by eating leftovers and watching TV with my boyfriend. Now that I'm back to full strength (boredom?), let's look at this week's Billboard Hot 100 top 10.

10. "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

I'm pretty sure I speak for the nation when I say, "Over it."

9. "Make Me Proud" by Drake featuring Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj proves once again she's better as a featured artist on a song than a solo act. Also, college is hot.

8. "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship featuring Sabi

I'll keep this song around. It's a pretty solid choice for shameless dance parties.

7. "Without You" by David Guetta featuring Usher

If Ugly Betty was still on, this would have been used in the final montage of every episode.

6. "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Okay, just stop playing this song. Thx.

5. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

You'd think a month would be long enough to have more of a shake-up on the Billboard list than it has been. Anyway, I'm also over this song.

4. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO

Ugh, this song also is still existing. At least I can say I never liked it in the first place.

3. "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera

There may have been a sibling sing-along to this song last weekend. Deal with it.

2. "We Found Love" by Rihanna

There's nothing to this song. It's the same 3 chords on a keyboard over and over, the same melody over and over with no bridge or chorus, the beat only occasionally changes or drops out, and obnoxious siren-y sounds show up sometimes. But I also can't stop listening to this sing. Damnit, Rihanna, why do I like you right now?

1. "Someone Like You" by Adele

Sorry about your vocal folds, Adele. This song is still annoying, though, since your style of music can be played on 75% of all radio stations, and usually on 2+ stations at one time. May your vocal rest slow the release of any more R&B/Pop/Adult Contemporary albums.

Medley of the Day: Acoustic rainy day blues edition

2011-10-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

"Come and Go Blues" - Gregg Allman

"Death Letter Blues" Son House

"Muddy Water Blues" - Paul Rodgers

JANE LYNCH WAS ON FELICITY

2011-10-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

For, like, an episode. It was far and away the bright spot of season 4 episode 15, "The Paper Chase," where Ben is being douchey and boring about his baby with Dr. Cuddy, and Felicity is cheating on a paper, and everyone is saying too much before knowing what the situation is. (Does anyone ever walk into a room and say, "Before you say anything" or "I know what this is about"? That's just asking to make a situation worse.)

Jane Lynch: rocking the same haircut for at least the last decade.

How to survive grad school: Part 2

2011-10-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

PART 2: SNACKS

What it is

Food that's not technically a meal, but let's be honest, it usually replaces a meal.

How it will help you survive grad school

The thing about terrible things is that they're often improved by food. I've found that snacking is both a way to procrastinate homework and a way to get through it. Need a break? Walk out to the kitchen and grab something to eat. Even just opening random cabinets and the fridge helps delay work on an assignment. Need to motivate yourself? Small, bite-sized snacks can provide enough incentive to get through that next paragraph where you are required to overly explain your reasoning. Plus, snacking is a great way to stay awake when you don't want to down an energy drink, even when you're bored to tears.

Highlights
These are tried and true snacking favorites.

1. Popcorn

Anyone who has been my roommate since 2007 knows my deep love of popcorn. I loved using a roommate's air popper so much, she bought me one when I was moving out. This was one of the best presents I have ever been given.

If preparing popcorn with an air popper, you can either melt down butter (WARNING: using margarine or other fake butters end up weird with layers of oil when melted) or use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray. Melted butter is obviously the more delicious choice, but the I Can't Believe...spray is good when you're lazy or pretending to be healthy. I've found half a scoop full of kernels is a good snack portion and a full scoop is good for a meal. Basically, pour/spray on the butter while shaking a bowl or paper bag of popped popcorn. Then sprinkle in salt while still shaking. With practice, you can get the ratio right for your tastes.

If you're even lazier, you can just do microwave popcorn. My favorite? Pop Secret Homestyle. It doesn't have that weird 94% fat free taste or make you feel greasy. If you're trying not to eat popcorn for dinner, Orville Redenbacher's minibags are a pretty good portion.

2. Dried fruit

Also known as nature's crack, dried fruit is just as delicious as real fruit, but often sugarier and less juicy (leading to less mess). Trader Joe's is a great place to get everything from craisins to dried mango for pretty cheap. This is another way to pretend you're healthy while eating an entire bag of bite-sized deliciousness that's probably rotting your teeth anyway.

3. Gum

Yeah, I know it's not a snack, but sometimes you've got to stop snacking, and you need to distract your mouth from the fact that you're not shoving food in your face anymore. My personal favorite is Orbit peppermint flavor. It keeps its flavor for about 45 minutes and never gets hard, even when you've been chewing it for over an hour.

4. Trail Mix

Yet another way to pretend you're healthy. Even the kinds with dried fruit in them also come chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, or butterscotch chips. But what can I say, it hits the sweet and savory spot. WARNING: probably contains delicious, delicious peanuts.

5. Tortilla Chips and Salsa

I've talk about this before (in fact, I've talked about snacking before), this is how important tortilla chips are to me. Long story short, Santita's are cheap ($2!) and delicious, but I'm willing to branch out if another chip is on sale. And I usually play salsa by ear, although Tostito's salsa is a pretty solid choice.

6. Other crackers/chips

Crackers are a way to pretend you're not eating chips, but really, you're just eating less greasy chips. Personal favorites include Goldfish, Wheat Thins, Ritz, and pretzels. Say you still want crazy chip flavors but don't want to stoop to Flamin' Hot Cheetos, then go with SunChips. That way you can both think you're healthy and that you're saving the environment by buying one of those recyclable bags (which, BTW, are effectively loud if you need to startle yourself awake). Might I recommend Garden Salsa?

7. Candy

Sometimes you just need to get through finals. Sometimes a bag of chocolate chips or a package of Starbursts are a way to do it. No need to apologize.

What are your favorite snacks? Did I leave any classics out?

What I learned from The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

2011-10-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

1. The story of Leatherstocking is a little campy, no matter what the medium.

2. 18th Century muskets have perfect aim, especially sniping from far distances.

3. The name "Natty Bumppo" is clearly too ridiculous to use by the 1990s.

4. Possibly, Daniel Day-Lewis's wonky accent made the character of "Hawkeye"/"Nathaniel Poe" ridiculous even with the name change. I mean, he's a 20th Century British man trying to play a white man who was raised by Native Americans in the 18th Century. His accent swings from redneck to Dennis Quaid to Irish immigrant who has lived in modern-day America for several years. And why is the only contraction he uses "ain't"?

5. Action movies tell terrible love stories.

6. Unless they are unspoken B-plots that consist entirely of shots of one person looking at the other at any given time. At least then I don't feel like I'm supposed to care.

7. Eric Schweig was clearly the best part of this movie. He's very pretty. Let's take it in:

8. Fact: all British men who had settled in the Americas sounded way different than British men in the military by 1757.

9. This movie is vastly improved by use of slow motion*.

10. I agree with both Siskel and Ebert on their assessment of The Last of the Mohicans:

*To be fair, I'm a slow motion slut. This might explain why I love JJ Abrams so much.

You should probably watch this web series

2011-10-02T18:32:00.001-07:00

The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl is so endearing, it reminded me that the word "awkward" still has a life to live. And that life is fraught with allusions to 90s movies, sweet jams, angry rapping, and cute white guys in plaid shirts at awkward parties. There are 8 episodes so far, and I have maybe watched the whole series a couple times in the last couple days (maybe episode 5, "The Dance" more times).

In .gif form, here are three reasons to watch (via):

Lady friends.

Awkward dance parties.

This guy ranting about Comic Sans font.

Start here:

Keep watching. Let me know how it goes.

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of October 8, 2011

2011-09-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

It's time to check back in with Billboard and see what the masses are listening to this month.

10. "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO

Apparently these crazy kids are at it again, this time with something more blandly typical of the group. There isn't really a hook, and I would not recommend watching the music video. Seriously.

9. "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship featuring Sabi

I can't lie to you kids, this song is my new jam, and I can't stop listening to it. Unlike LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It," its electronic flavor works and backs up a well written pop song. And don't even get me started on how much I love the disco guitar strums in the second verse. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.

8. "Yoü and I" by Lady Gaga

Is anyone else freaked out that she has a version for your own hometown? In Seattle, she's actually singing about Seattle on Seattle radio and it weirds me out because HOW DOES SHE KNOW. Also, this isn't helping the fact that I find her to be just as mercenary as any other pop artist. I will admit that I'm delighted to find that "Mutt" Lange still has the late-90s, Shania Twain touch. But then I remember "you" is spelled with a umlaut, and then really I can't decide how I feel about this song.

7. "Cheers (Drink to That)" by Rihanna

Rihanna almost had me convinced I was a fan with dance singles like "Only Girl (In the Word)" and "S&M," but this generic, medium tempo schlock is disappointing. I mean, generic is the name of the pop game, but at least you could leave out A SAMPLE OF AVRIL LAVIGNE FROM "I'M WITH YOU." Ugh. Is that where we are? Sampling Avril Lavigne now?

6. "Lighters" by Bad Meets Evil featuring Bruno Mars

This song still exists.

5. "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

The chorus is still the best part.

4. "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

Remember LMFAO's one good song?

3. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

Fact: this song has been out for over a year now. That's really all I have to say about it.

2. "Someone Like You" by Adele

I feel like this is one of those songs I would like better if I just had a breakup or was suffering from an epic unrequited love situation and then started weeping loudly for an hour listening to it on repeat shamelessly singing along and using a whole box of Kleenex to clean up the various liquids coming out of my face. As it is, I'm just glad it's not "Rolling in the Deep." And of course Adele sounds great.

1. "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera

Really? Still number 1? The "moooOOOOoooooves" part is damn catchy, and y'all know I'm loving the disco guitar riffs, but it's so random. Whatever, I'll go with random over boring any day.

How to survive grad school: Part 1

2011-09-27T14:31:00.003-07:00

Grad school is a great/terrible idea. You can learn more about things you like, make yourself more marketable, and most importantly procrastinate joining the real world. But it takes up all your time, causes you to acquire debt because who can afford this crap?, and may or may not be extremely challenging. I'm 98% done with grad school at this point, so I feel qualified to give some pointers on how to survive. So here is PART 1: TURQUOISE JEEP RECORDS.

Mmmmmmmm, Yung Humma.

What it is

If you haven't heard of Turquoise Jeep Records, you may not spend as much time trading YouTube videos with your friends via Gchat or Facebook as I do. Anyway, it's a collective of R&B and rap artists churning out brilliant and sexy hits that you will never hear on the radio because they are too awesome. This is the TJR's own description:

Turquoise Jeep Records was created for the masses. Traveling around the world we have heard so many songs but no one has been able to catch the people's ears like us.

IF YOU AINT DOWN, YOU OUT...KEEP THE JEEP RIDIN'

Really, TJR is a reminder that sleazy and specific R&B is one of the greatest musical genres ever.

How it will help you survive grad school

Instead of procrastinating by staring at the wall, checking Facebook/Twitter every 10 seconds, or wandering to random buildings on campus in the hope that a new location will bring new motivation, watching and rewatching Turquoise Jeep Records videos will bring you so much happiness, you won't care that you'll be failing your midterm the next day. You'll have a Tummiscratch beat stuck in your brain instead.

Highlights

Not all of their songs are great, but these are 6 of the Jeep's best and brightest.

1. "Fried or Fertilized" by Yung Humma featuring Flynt Flossy and Watchyamacallit

This is probably as good a primer as any of TJR's songs. Catchy, low budget music and video production, weirdly specific sexual references. Let's not talk about how many times I've tried to do the moves in this video.

2. "Can He Move It Like This" by Pretty Raheem featuring Flynt Flossy

For the solid colored suits alone, but stick around for Pretty Raheem and Flynt Flossy's dancing duet at the end.

3. "Go Grad My Belt" by Slick Mahoney

The 4 minutes of falsetto, the offensive sexism, the woman's dead eyes, Slick Mahoney's tortoiseshell glasses, and Tummiscratch's brilliant guitar solo really make this a quality song and video.

4. "Cavities" by Flynt Flossy, Pretty Raheem, and Whatchyamacallit

This song encapsulates why TJR is so brilliant: it sounds like a real song. And damn, it's catchy. But maybe try not to sing it public.

5. "Happy Sexgiving" by Yung Humma featuring WhatchyamacallitThe production values have gone up with the most recent song released by the Jeep, but the background special effects are just as amazing.

6. "Lemme Smang It" by Yung Humma featuring Flynt Flossy

This magical duo does it again in my favorite of all of Turquoise Jeep Record's smangers. It has its own dance and everything.

Keep the Jeep ridin'!

Drive is 2011

2011-09-20T22:25:00.001-07:00

We live in a time that self-consciously chooses it's references and influences while keeping out of the genre of parody. Some might call it pastiche, I call it clever. In television, you get Community which subtly and often blaringly uses pop culture references to create an original story. In music, you get synth-heavy bands that recall glossy 80s synth or decades-old dance beats, but feel original for using old technology in new ways. In film, you get Drive (2011) that uses some 80s touches, but doesn't wink at its references. It uses them with a straight face, adding some glitz to a minimalist and dark film that recalls a 60s or 70s thriller more than anything else. The Wikipedia article goes into even more detail of its referential-ness.

The mash-up of eras in and of itself isn't entirely modern, but here are some things Drive manages to do that seem relevant to current pop culture's meta-obsession:

Dress characters in hipster-lite fashion. Maybe it's because I live in Seattle that I think this is relevant because people tend to just wear random crap together that don't make sense because they're pulling from so many different eras. But I mean, you can even shop at Forever 21 and do the same thing. Anyway, it's prevalent. Observe:

Satin jacket, 1980s-does-1950s/60s style? Check.

Floral anything in a flowy/rayon-like fabric from the 90s? Done. (Although looks kind of 40s in influence with the sweetheart neckline. SO MANY ERAS OF FASHION).

Tossing in random 80s shit just because you can. Dare I draw a comparison to the sax solo in "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" and the font choice for Drive's credits?

Hot pink 80s cursive? Check!

Also 80s, the synth-heavy soundtrack. I think the 80s are a particularly rough decade to hearken back to with any degree of restraint given its reputation of being the greediest, tackiest, cocaine-fueled, big hair, glossy-on-the-outside decade ever*, but Drive uses the decade as shorthand for a detached sense of humanity** (is there anything more inhuman than synthesizers?). The music used in the film sound like what many indie bands have been doing for years and many popular artists are currently using: taking back the synth line.

Anyway, my point is this: Drive manages to be the most pop culturally relevant film I've seen since who knows when. People will actually be able to look back at this film and say, "This is so 2010s" without talking about the special effects, use of 3-D, drained color palette, manic pixie dream girl, superhero origin story, or hallow romantic-comedy plot. Well done, Drive.

*Have I mentioned I'm from Generation Y or whatever 80s-born kids are supposed to be?

**That and violence. Lots of it.

I Don't Know How She Does It (2011)

2011-09-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

For reasons only known to the unemployed, I started watching Sex and the City, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it wasn't the most painful show I've ever watched. It is a show, however, that suffers from Lead Character is the Worst Syndrome also seen on Grey's Anatomy (I hate that I even know this) and intermittently How I Met Your Mother (Ted, come on). Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw is one of the worst incarnations of feminine stereotypes I have ever seen. She's insecure, obsessed with men, buys ridiculously expensive shoes she can't afford, and writes a poorly written column (seriously, is that narration supposed to be her column?). Um, at least she seems to be a good listener? Suffice it to say, Miranda or even Charlotte would have been preferable leading ladies to Carrie.

The point is that SJP is essentially playing this same neurotic girl in I Don't Know How She Does It, and it is painful to watch. She's married to cute/adorable Greg Kinnear (playing Nice Guy Kinnear), has two kids, and--watch out--is some sort of finance executive that requires her to travel frequently. And of course she's torn between work and family. And of course she and her husband start big work projects at the same time. And of course she has an almost-romance with Pierce Brosnan. Because that's what neurotic girls do when they aren't embarrassing themselves or CONSTANTLY TALKING/NARRATING about their white people problems like making something for their daughter's bake sale because they remember their mother embarrassing them at their own elementary school bake sale by sending them with cans of fruit (side bar: WHO ARE THESE CHILDREN WHO CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT BAKE SALES, ESPECIALLY YEARS LATER? That mom with canned food was on to something).

Quite frankly, I would have punched Sarah Jessica Parker in the stomach to make her STOP TALKING. It's not charming to be around someone who has overexplain everything, it's obnoxious and exhausting. And even watching this fictional character interact with other fictional characters was exhausting, especially when this fictional character is seriously touting outdated platitudes about how "a woman trying to be a man is a waste of a woman." In the words of my ladyfriend I saw the movie with, this line alone reversed the feminist movement 30 years.

That's not to say the movie didn't have some highlights, mostly in the form of talking head interviews à la Greg Daniels (seriously, who are these women talking to?). Christina Hendricks is adorable no matter what but especially when she's talking feminism in the workplace, and Busy Philipps is funny as the perfect stay-at-home mom who mostly just works out at the gym. But the real highlight (and confusing at that) is Olivia Munn as SJP's assistant. Her strictly-business, career-driven, not-into-kids commentary is humorous (if only because it's in contrast to Parker's inane character talking about how being a wealthy, working mom is so hard), until the film SPOILER decides to make her pregnant and realize that being a mom is aWeSOmE! (cue smug Being a Mom is the Best face from SJP).

Moral of the story: women should never forget they're women and always act like women because who wants to be a man? Amirite, ladies?

Ultimate question: What does Aline Brosh McKenna have against working women who are functional human beings?

Dangerous Mrs. Doubtfire

2011-09-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Tell me Glenn Close and Robin Williams don't look eerily similar in these posters. Is it just me?

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of August 31, 2011

2011-09-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

A month later, and not much has changed. But thank goodness enough has changed for me offer some commentary.

#10 - "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

I hate to admit that a bro-rap band has a half-decent song, but they owe it all to my boyfriend Adam Levine singing the catchy chorus. However, they are still unforgiven for raping Supertramp to create "Cupid's Chokehold/Breakfast in America."

# 9 - "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer

Still a solid choice.

#8 - "Good Life" by OneRepublic

Still bland.

#7 - "How to Love" by Lil Wayne

Can't even listen to this crap.

#6 - "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj

It grew on me, and then got bad again. Mostly because I can't rap along with Nicki's crazy affectations.

#5 - "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" by Katy Perry

OVER IT.

#4 - "Lighters" by Bad Meets Evil featuring Bruno Mars

I didn't think I knew this song, and then I realized that I always change the station when this song is on. So apparently Eminem and some other dude from Detroit called Royce da 5'9" create "Bad Meets Evil." And then they decided they needed a crappy/generic chorus from Bruno Mars. Eh.

#3 - "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

Hey boyfriends, apparently you're a success now that you're not just on the alternative stations. Glad to see the popular kids will be singing about gun violence, too.

Side note: the lead singer is just as goofy and awesome in concert as he is in this video.

#2 - "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

Still catchy.

#1 - "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

Remember when I was all, "This song doesn't make sense and Christina Aguilera's voice is grating but I kind of like it? That analysis still holds. Inexplicably this song is #1. At least the video has both Mick Jagger and people trying to dance like Mick Jagger, thereby demonstrating the awkwardness of Jagger's moves. Also, shirtless Adam Levine who is still smarmy-hot.

Hey remember that one time people Mad Men'd themselves on facebook?

2011-08-31T13:26:00.003-07:00

I'm totally late to the Mad Men game (currently in the middle of season 3), so I'm putting it on my blog so it's less lame(?). Obviously I would bring a gun into Sterling Cooper to show how I really feel about the place, but since I'm a lady I'm wearing my gloves and pearls. I'm just sorry there wasn't the option of a lawnmower.

So this has been stuck in my head all morning

2011-08-23T12:13:00.002-07:00

"Let the River Run" by Carly Simon

Does this mean my job interview today will go well? Will a handsome nerd be there? Will Joan Cusack be my trashy best friend? I can only hope.

Live blogging Purple Rain (1984)

2011-08-10T21:56:00.001-07:00

Tonight's the night I watch Purple Rain for the very first time.

0:20 This is already brilliant.

1:22 I love a good concert in a movie. Also, Prince is a tiny man.

2:20 This man in a tank top and shorts must the comic relief. And this troubled broad with a ton of cash must be our leading lady. PRINCE ON A MOTORCYCLE.

3:30 Dapper looking man getting into a car.

5:00 The present day of fashion is the first time I really think people will look back and be just as embarrassed by what they were wearing as the 1984 depicted as this film.

6:15 Broad is looking to be a singer/dancer at some club. Is this Burlesque? Her name is apparently Apollonia

7:20 AH! QUICK MONTAGE OF 80S-NESS.

8:00 The dapper looking man has a terrible band.

9:22 Love at first sight between Apollonia and Prince? Prince is so creeper standing behind her in sunglasses.

10:28 And Prince the stalker is gone.

11:05 Oh great. Prince lives in an abusive home. Also, that's Prince's voice?

13:15 This blonde is a stellar actress. She gives Prince a tape of some guy's music.

13:40 Luckily we get to watch Prince's band practice with two dancers. The synthesizer is magic.

14:23 Dapper looking man is some sort of cartoonishly villainous club owner.

15:14 His bodyguard is named Jerome. A baseball bat just appeared out of nowhere to shove a woman in a dumpster.

15:40 Prince just stole Apollo's outside the boot anklet. Is this flirting? Awwww yeah. Prince's signature guitar just made an appearance in a shop window.

17:00 The dream couple are driving around the countryside. Prince has a decent looking smile to go with his highly reflective sunglasses.

18:47 Prince's lackluster "Oh" is my new favorite response to people's hopes and dreams.

19:25 The acting in this film is stellar. And now Prince is trying to haze Apollonia into "the biz."

20:17 And now stripping down and skinny dipping into a lake, but it was the wrong lake and now he's driving away! Oh-hohoho. Incorrigible. At least Apollonia has a nice rack.

22:07 Now Prince is doing that douchey "just as you try to get on he moves away" thing. And then he says, "Don't get my seat all wet."

23:10 Oh no! Dapper man has his eye on Apollonia too. Excellent.

23:50 Ugh, there's a "Who's On First" level non-joke happening.

25:26 Prince apparently didn't listen to his bandmates' song because he's a control freak. Prince is demonstrating fabulous disinterest. IS HE VENTRILOQUISTING?

27:20 I guess the whole band is pissed at him now.

28:05 Prince talking to some sort of pop-up monkey is kind of endearing. And now he's going to listen the his band's song.

29:20 "Your lips would make a lollipop too happy." Oh.

30:40 Dapper man is continuing to be super gross at hitting on Apollonia.

31:12 Oh good, the Revolution is back onstage, and Prince is at the keyboard. Apollonia is totally feasting on Prince with her eyes.

33:16 I love how Foppish Prince is. I also love that he has ladies in his band.

34:50 I love how screamy he's getting right here. Apollonia looks like she's about to cry. Prince is writhing around on the stage. Um, she is crying?

36:40 Now Apollonia is the stalking one.

37:47 Prince's parents are sexying the couch. How old are these two supposed to be?

38:54 Apollonia is checking out Prince's room. And he sneaks up behind her and screams, and now he's Chris Angel?

39:34 They're listening to a girl crying backwards with a drum beat. It sounds orgasmic and it's weirding me out.

40:23 Oh good, they're finally making out. Ahahaha. There is a lot of groping.

42:04 Awkward morning after kissing.

43:01 Prince walks in on half his band practicing some other music. Prince is a giant douche.

44:00 Dapper Man is sitting in a car and is gross, but he's offering a song and dance. He laughs at her getting help from Prince. She blows him off anyway.

45:23 Apollonia takes up Dapper man on his offer, but not before demanding a guitar.

46:00 Prince is listening to his band's song with his eyes closed with his dad yelling at his mom. He's not going to make it through the whole song yet again while his dad rants about why he beats her up.

47:55 Prince is looking super androgynous in that tank top, um, if you ignore the chest hair.

48:30 Andy like magic Apollonia appears in the window with a gift. IT'S THE GUITAR HE WANTED! Tender moments.

49:20 Prince gives her one of his earrings. Close up on all the creepy clowns and masks in his room. And then Apollonia says she's going to join Dapper Man (Morris's) group. AND HE SLAPS HER. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I love to see the cycle of violence continue.

51:45 Blahblahblah everything sux. The ladies in his band didn't show up and now he's hearing about Apollonia's new band. Oh hey! His band might get fired.

52:30 Cue "When Doves Cry." Brilliant.

53:03 Sexy time flashback in a haystack? When did this happen? Everything flashback? Whatever. I like a good montage.

55:10 I love that Prince is James Deaning, but in the most 80s androgynous way possible with a swirl.

56:40 Prince's dad is playing tender melody on the piano. Apparently his songs are "all different." And he doesn't have to write down music, so he's better than Prince?

57:00 Awkward girlfriend talk with dad.

58:30 Prince is shirtless and sweaty with a mask for his next performance. I find myself not repulsed by this look.

59:50 Um, suggestive of a blow job much?

61:50 Yes! "Darling Nikki."

63:19 Apollonia is pissed off at this song. Is it supposed to be about her? Prince is humping the stage. Excellent.

64:30 Prince yelling "Fuck off!" is adorable. "Like father, like son." BURN.

66:00 Apollonia 6. Good, they're a classy group with garters, corsets, and diamonds. "Sex Shooter." Brilliant.

68:20 Prince is totally stressing about being fired because the Apollonia 6 is apparently great.

70:00 Prince is terrorizing a drunk Morris and Apollonia. "Get on!" And she does.

71:30 They're making out, but it's no good. Apollonia is drinking, Prince knocks it out of her hands and then tries to beat her up, but then doesn't and she's still wearing her slutty outfit, and she throws his earring back at him. Wow.

74:00 Prince's dad shoots himself? His mother's in tears. And there are lots of flashing lights and policemen.

75:35 Prince is hyperventilating and now swinging at things with a baseball bat. I LOVE THIS EMOTING SO MUCH.

78:35 Prince finds a stack of his father's music HE WROTE DOWN. And now he's shirtless again.

78:25 Apparently he memorized the opening bars of his band's song from the intro and is embellishing it on the piano?

79:30 Morris's band the Time is performing again. And there is more stupid dancing happening.

81:25 The Time is annoying band. The Revolution looks pissed. The guy with a John Waters mustache looks even grosser than usual.

83:35 The Revolution is back onstage, seemingly to claim their right to not be fired. Awkward silence. Coughing. Dedicating a song to his father. IT'S HIS BAND'S SONG.

84:23 And of course they all know how to play it from that zero times they've ever practiced. Whatever, "Purple Rain" is kind of an awesome.

88:10 I love the emotive guitar solo. The Revolution is killing it.

90:25 I love the awkward kiss on the cheek Prince gives the girl who wrote the song.

91:20 Prince runs off stage and takes off his jacket. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. TOO MUCH APPLAUSE.

92:06 Apollonia is there and kisses him as he heads back on stage to thunderous applause. He grabs a tambourine and tosses it in the audience.

92:50 "I Would Die for You." Why don't I own this album?

94:00 Prince breaks it down onstage in the midst of a montage of...stacking his father's music and putting them in boxes. Organization is sexy.

94:55 He finds his earring on the floor and throws it--Apollonia is there to catch it! And now we get to watch them make out again.

95:55 Also, I love that there's a guy in the band that's always in scrubs. I'm noting this because Prince is feeling himself on stage, and I don't know what to say about that.

97:30 And the music keeps on coming. I guess they finally decided to stop pretending this was anything but an excuse to watch Prince sing his music.

98:30 Morris is screaming in the audience with the rest of the people. Looks like he's not fired?

99:40 He has a hat now. This song is kind of crap, but Prince is working the stage. SHIRT IS UNBUTTONED.

100:20 And it ends in a freeze frame with the credits rolling and a mix of a bunch of music I'm assuming is on the "Purple Rain" soundtrack even though I don't recognize all the music. Brilliant.

Guys: It's hard to screw up a music biz movie. As long as the songs are half decent, you can montage the crap out of it, and I will watch it and love it. Purple Rain has a barely coherent plot, but it's not like we even need to follow it. We already know the story by heart. Brilliant. Also, this movie was filmed in Minneapolis. Perfection.

cheerful cynicism's quick guide to the films directed by Quentin Tarantino

2011-08-08T21:21:00.001-07:00

Guys, I finally watched all of Quentin Tarantino's film. In other words, I have earned a butt ton of pop culture-reference capital. Granted, it's not every film he ever wrote, starred in, and whatever, but just the ones he directed (the whole thing of). I figured that's good enough for now. Anyway, in case your knowledge is incomplete, this is a terrible place to start. However, it is a decent place to steal half-assed critiques.

1. Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Great small film that takes place almost mostly on one set except for flashbacks and that opening diner scene in which we're forced to listen to Quentin Tarantino analyze pop culture. However, it remains an engaging film without a lot frills.

Nice suits, boys.

2. Pulp Fiction (1994)

Eric Stoltz is in this movie. That's the level of random that occurs throughout this film. I guess it's supposed to be cool because it's nonlinear, but it's kind of hard to care for a film when it's non-linear without a central character/plotline. I might need a second viewing to decide if I actually like it or not. However, Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta are a fantastic duo.

Cereal: great choice.

3. Jackie Brown (1997)

Pam Grier is fantastic; I could watch her do anything for 2 hours and be entirely interested. Luckily, this film also has a decent crime plot to move everything along. Plus the seemingly random subplots make more sense than in Pulp Fiction. Also, excellent soundtrack.

Pam Grier and Robert Forster: surprisingly endearing almost coupling.

4. Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2 (2003-2004)

Ladies kicking ass Samurai style. That's all you really need to know. More? Nerd up on influences on Wikipedia.

How good was this fight scene at the end of Vol. 1?

5. Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007)

Too much Truffaut influence. Honestly, the first half the movie contains what in any other film would be maybe the first 15 minutes. The love of the mundane goes on forever as we follow some really boring women followed by a group of less boring women who ultimately kick ass in a decent car chase scene which I guess is kind of redeemable. Apparently it's supposed to be a B-movie, but I'd rather watch its gruesome companion film Planet Terror a thousand times because at least Naveen Andrews is in that. I honestly don't get what Tarantino was trying to do here.

Random boring woman's foot, of course.

6. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

This film might be perfection. All the performances are spot on (I'll just gloss over Eli Roth's awkward "acting"), the cinematography is gorgeous, and the suspense is delicious. Also, killing Nazis and the music of David Bowie.

Christoph Waltz: #1 villain.

Smiles and Malick

2011-08-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

The New World (2005), specifically the extended cut, is simply way too long to take in as a whole unit, but beautiful enough to be taken in chunks. Each quiet montage with hushed narration is magical. It also manages to capture the fascinating exoticism of discovering Native Americans without feeling so noble savage/kitschy that I feel like I'm watching the movie equivalent of this pillow I got for Christmas a couple years ago while singing the middle school choir classic "Shoshone Love Song":

Thanks, sister!

Anyway, like I said before, there are whole montages of this film that are perfection, quietly building the love between Pochahontas/John Smith, naturally developing the relationship falling apart and turning into the warring middle portion, and later the Pochahontas/John Rolfe relationship. How Terrance Malick stumbled upon fairly subtle with this content is a mystery--I'd think we'd all like to forget the Disney version--but I admire the work.

I started taking screen captures of some of my favorite moments in the film and just ended up finding all the moments where a character genuinely smiles. This seems like a rarity in films--especially art films. Why is no one happy ever? Don't filmmakers realize that tragedy is best highlighted by contrasting it with true joy? Anyway, out of all filmmakers, Terrence Malick manages to capture what looks like spontaneous, happy moments.

Look at John Smith's genuine smile after some good solid male bonding.

Can we also talk about how I find Colin Farrell attractive in this movie? I think it has a lot to do with the naturalistic acting style used throughout the film.

Young actress Q'orianka Kilcher's smile is just radiant. Her youth plays well in this film, giving Pocahontas a naivety that allows the story to make sense.

Doing stupid crap like dumping water over each others' heads and finding it fun: young love in a nutshell.

I love this moment when the English allow a "natural" to tour their fort because he's "mad". This is his reaction after hearing a canon go off. BOOM.

Meeting after a long absence, Pocahontas still smiles even though things are different.

This is the part where I want Pochahontas' sassy gay friend to pop out and say, "Look at your life, look at your choices: your family has already disowned you, but you can still have some dignity. Stop kidding yourself that this is going to work with John Smith." This, however, does not happen and heartbreak ensues for, like, at least an hour, evidenced by the lack of smiles to capture.

Oh, hey John Rolfe. He likes Pocahontas/Rebecca's intriguing questions about the world, and he closed-mouth smiles about it. I have to say that Christian Bale's smiles always seemed a bit more studied than the other leads'.

Finding joy in nature again.

Awkward proposal smile.

Delightful fall-in-the-mud, romcom-style smiles, except this moment plays better than it does in most romcoms because it breaks up more serious moments to effectively shows their relationship developing.

Kilcher manages to act beyond her 14 years and provide a motherly smile.

Relieved smile. (Yes, I'm counting it.)

I'm-still-in-love-with-you smile.

Um, I had to include at least one completely lovelorn look from Mr. Farrell. He's surprisingly good at it.

Oh yeah, and this awesome shot happens toward the end.

Beautiful.

Billboard Hot 100 Top 10: Week of July 30, 2011

2011-07-25T21:40:00.002-07:00

I have this kind of terrible commute to an internship I'm doing this summer (contributing to one of the lamest and grayest summers of my life). That means I have about 45 minutes to an hour each way to flip stations in my car a few days a week and listen to terrible pop music. Except I stop forgetting it's terrible and just embrace its catchy melodies and sing along loudly in my car. To celebrate my love/hate relationship with pop music, I'm going to write about it here--or rather the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100. I somehow miss out on a lot of the more "rock" pop songs on the radio, so there is bound to be some surprise awfulness.

#10 - "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato

Fact: Right now is the first time I've heard this song. It is truly awful. Anything this dependent on similes is ultimately saying nothing because I have no idea what she's comparing. Not to mention that the ~emotions~ so prevalent in her scratchy voice is the stuff overwrought lyrical/modern dances on So You Think You Can Dance are made of. I am never listening to this song again.

#9 - "Tonight Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae

First of all, this is a band name that exists. Second of all, doesn't this song sound like it's been out for 5 years? I do have to admit that I find it charming they slid in the name "Zach Galifianakis" into a song. But then again, that would have been way cooler 5 years ago.

#8 - "Good Life" by OneRepublic

Sounds like every other OneRepublic song: bland with a good beat. But they will never be forgiven for "Apologize." Please don't make me make an intentional pun out of that last sentence. Let's leave it with irony.

#7 - "The Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga

I can't tell the difference between this song and Katy Perry's own scream-out-of-her-range-song, "Firework," until the saxophone solo comes in (except even Ms. Perry has a song with a saxophone in it--see #3--my point being that Lady Gaga tries just as too hard as Katy Perry). Anyway, catchy.

#6 - "How to Love" by Lil Wayne

I keep wishing the tinny acoustic guitar in the background would start playing "Hole Hearted*," but it doesn't. Instead I'm stuck with a song fit for middle school, straight-arm slow dancing.

#5 - "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj

I keep thinking the chorus of this song is that part in Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" where she sings about her skin tight jeans, which is too bad because I really want to like Nicki Minaj for some reason.

#4 - "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele

How 'bout I never hear this song again? It's a good song, great vocal performance, sassy, retro back up singers, etc. But literally every radio station plays this song. I'm done.

#3 - "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" by Katy Perry

Have you noticed I've become a connoisseur of Katy Perry's music? I'm kind of ashamed (almost as much as I'm ashamed of this music video that features a cast of 80s has-beens, Rebecca Black, and the cast of Glee, and then tries to play off a romper circa 1990 as nerdy when everyone knows that nerdy of yesteryear = hipster). But I have to give her props for beating Lady Gaga, Fleet Foxes, and Bon Iver on the Saxophone Renaissance of 2011 (her Teenage Dream album was released last year). Damn.

#2 - "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer

I love Ne-Yo so much he made me hate Pitbull less. Great chorus, pretty good bridge. Approved.

#1 - "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

I've been having dance parties to this song for months, and I don't hate it yet. Longevity, my friend. Also, I'm kind of charmed by the music video for this song.

*These two songs do not sound very much alike at all, except maybe at the bridge of "Hole Hearted" and the intro of "How to Love." Basically, any excuse to mention Extreme.

STANLEY TUCCI ON THIRTYSOMETHING!

2011-07-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

Um, pretty self-explanatory, but I'm at a place in my life where any and all appearances Stanley Tucci makes/made on TV or in movies is the most thrilling thing ever. I mean really, he made Burlesque almost winsome. So yes, he shows up in season 3 of thirtysomething. Exciting.

Walking and Talking (1996)

2011-07-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

Clearly this picture was taken way after filming.

Walking and Talking is one of the gems I've discovered on Netflix because it was streaming and looked like a decent enough rom-com. And that's pretty much what this movie is: decent enough.

Anne Heche and Catherine Keener play best friends since childhood Laura and Amelia. Laura is engaged to Frank (Todd Field), but is freaking out in an awkward-to-watch-but-unfortunately-relatable-passive-aggressive way by snapping at Frank and developing crushes on random guys including the waiter that always flirts with her (Randall "hot clergyman" Batinkoff) and one of her therapy patients. This plot line is not so fun to watch. The tension is almost ridiculous enough to laugh at, but mostly just makes me feel sad.

I however loved Amelia's plot. She starts to kind of freak out because Laura is engaged. She quits therapy and then starts dating the video store clerk that always asks her out, Bill (Kevin "almost as weird as seeing Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Next Stop Wonderland" Corrigan). They go out a few times--long enough for Amelia to stop calling him "ugly guy"and becomes attracted to him. Let's just say, we've all been there: desperate to go out with someone who is mildly attractive (maybe) and pretend it has real potential. And of course Amelia has a good friend Andrew (Liev "he has curly hair?" Schreiber) who is having phone sex with someone across the country and whom she used to date, but they're still friends and they do stuff together all the time. And her cat has cancer. Things that are endearing only in movie form.

Mostly, there's just so much 90s frumpiness mixed with an unexpected group of actors and accompanied by mellow jams--the most fabulous of which are by Billy Bragg, my new British electric-folk singer. So sit back, enjoy some Billy Bragg and soak in this frumpiness.

Also enjoy the way he sings "paint" like "pint."

Randall Batinkoff!

Kevin Corrigan!

Allison Janney!

Catherine Keener and Anne Heche: not brushing hair and wearing baggy pants.

Liev Schreiber and his sideburns.

Sexual tension rating: mild, but satisfying.

What I want to be doing right now.

Middlemarch (1994)

2011-07-04T00:47:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about George Eliot for a minute. She was an incredibly cheesy, muckraking author who created decent characters, but moralized to the point of beating a dead horse. I'm drawing these conclusions on a reading of Silas Marner from high school. This novel is all about orphans and misers who learn lessons and opium addicted mothers. I pretty much threw up all over this novel when I read it. This is why I know I will never read Middlemarch. The miniseries version was saccharine enough, even with screenwriter Andrew "kind of makes 19th Century novels sexy" Davies throwing in some extra bits to chew on.

So, as far as I can tell from the miniseries (I was doing useful things like doing laundry and baking cookies during the proceedings), the story is all about a small town, Middlemarch, on the cusp of industrialization. There's lots of small town drama and of course young people hooking up all over the place--and by hooking up I mean making hasty marriages.

First you have Dorothea Brooke who is a nerdy girl who wears glasses and thinks for herself. For reasons I can only attribute to repressed Victorian sexuality, she marries a nerdy middle-aged confirmed bachelor (wink wink) who is dedicated a book about mythology. But instead of being cool and letting Dorothea help him write his book, he belittles her and ignores her in the bedroom, confirming my suspicion that this guy is totally gay.

So anyway, being married to her closeted husband is really boring and she slowly wastes away, but his cousin Will Ladislaw takes an interest in her. He's a passionate and accomplished young man, though indecisive to his career. Ladislaw and Dorothea have fun conversations in which they talk about ideas and get sassy with each other. Blah blah blah, Secret Homosexual hates his cousin and has screwed him over in regards to wealth just as the rest of his family has done in the past, blah blah blah, he dies and gives all his money to Dorothea with the condition that she not marry Ladislaw. But it turns out Ladislaw is in love with her! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? Not much. Their scenes together are rare.

And that right there is the most interesting story line.

Another involves some doctor who marries a kind of silly girl and then spends too much money on a house and other things while trying to start up a hospital where doctors actually do doctorly things and not sell ineffective tonics. Drama, gambling, and marital fighting happen.

And then there's the brother of the silly girl who just sucks at everything and has some since-childhood-girlfriend who is awesome and sassy and tells him to get a job he likes to earn a living.

And then there's random other stuff that was moralizing that had to do with pious people not really being that pious in their actions. And the common man getting the vote. And way too many characters and uncles to care about.

But I think the real take-away message here is that Rufus Sewell as Will Ladislaw in the 1994 production is dreamy. Why haven't I seen him as a romantic lead more often? I mean, I guess I've seen him in those roles on occasion, but this one is a more straight forward ROMANTIC LEAD. He gets to represent idealism and handsomeness instead of quirkiness, all while still darting his eyes around. If nothing else, Mr. Sewell is a welcome breath of fresh air to a miniseries that gets bogged down in...I don't even know, I was too busy eating cookie dough by the end.

In a smiliar spirit to my celebration of Terence Stamp in Far From the Madding Crowd, here's a gallery of poor quality images of Rufus Sewell I captured for your enjoyment. And, Spoiler alert:

Checking out Dorothea for the first time.

Sitting on a stoop, plotting to visit Dorothea while chewing on a pencil.

He tosses around his gloves as the discussion gets more heated.

In which he becomes a speech writer for Dorothea's uncle's Parliament run.

Flirtatious face.

Angrily crumpling up a letter his cousin sent him, banning him from seeing Dorothea.

Being all, "Your husband told me never to see you again. I'm so mad!"

Answer me this: why are guys scratching to back of their necks so hot?

Singing with the doctor's silly wife. At least he has a couple friends.

Ladislaw giving an impassioned audience-warm-up speech. Yay, bloodless revolution!

Emo-ly confessing his love without actually confessing his love because this is a 19th century novel, and they could never actually say anything in a straightforward manner. Also, Dorothea is wearing a hideous mourning bonnet/cap.

This is his "are kidding me?" face. I know, bro. She totally doesn't get that you are MEANT TO BE.

This is his "it says WHAT in my cousin's will?" face.

Angrily packing.

Intense look of love.

Uh-oh, Dorothea caught him with his arm around the doctor's silly wife. She's totally jelly.

Reading a letter that everything has been straightened out with Dorothea.

19th Century Male Lead Walking Determinedly Through Garden (TM).

Making out with Dorothea whose eyes are still open for some reason.

FIN.

Live blogging the Voice: 6/29/11

2011-06-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

I actually have time to do this now! Let's pretend none of us know who won last night.

Carson and Christina circa TRL years.

Lots of guest artists tonight. Let's just hope it creates some awkward musical moments. But only after watching the finalists on Jay Leno. Masturbatory NBC promotion that's taking way too long. Oh good, actually performances are next.

Vicci Martinez is up first. We get to relive her flat pitch moments in sepia tones. Also, her "war dance." She's performing "Drops of Jupitor" with Train's Pat Monahan. Can we talk about my hatred of Train? So bland. So over-played. So early 2000s faux-witty lines that include "soy latte." I am fully expecting Jenna Elfman to just appear somewhere on this stage. These two sound good, but I'm so bored. SIDE HUGZ. Cee Lo is waxing poetic about his love for Vicci. I'm distracted by the sequins stripes on his Adidas jacket.

TECH GIRL, YOU'RE THE WORST. APPARENTLY HER NAME IS ALLISON.

Javier Colon is next. He's talking about his kids. Is voice is amazing. He's tearing up. Adam Levine being hot. I'm okay with this video package. OMG HE'S SINGING "LANDSLIDE" WITH STEVIE NICKS. I love that Stevie Nicks looks like she was styled by the Wiccan Emporium circa 1996. Javier providing the upper harmonies to Stevie's melody line is lovely. They are sharing a double-hand-hold eye contact moment. And Christina just readjusted her boobs. On camera. Adam is tearing up about how beautiful the duet was and how awesome Stevie Nicks and "Landslide" is. This is why Adam Levine is my The Voice boyfriend.

Beverly McClellan is next. Something about how she's the "youngest at heart" in this competition. She's singing with One Republic's Ryan Tedder. Ugh. One Republic is the worst. It reminds me of my junior year of college--which already sucked, but then my roommates listened to that band on repeat. This song, "Good life," is really boring, and these to singing random "oh"s on top of each other is kind of the worst thing I've ever heard. Christina talking about how much she loves Beverly. She is also shouting out to the other judges and calling them the big brothers she never had. Talk about awkward timing.

Dia Frampton is last. And now I'm remembering that she wore denim, skinny jeans overalls to the auditions. Blake is comparing her to his wife Miranda Lambert. Except Miranda Lambert is the awesomest and Dia is not so much. Miranda is killing her song "The House that Built Me", while Dia is breathing the song, Donna Lewis style. Gross. They sound pretty good harmonizing, though, mostly because Miranda is holding things together. Dia just doesn't suit country music. Blake is a bit emotional, and is declaring Dia as family. Carson Daly may or may not have wiped away a tear.

Can we just talk about this coach-singer relationship? It's kind of adorable. Except Christina is probably the least helpful of the coaches and comes off as a bit showy in her affection. Anyway, it's a nice element to the show.

Okay, the results. Apparently the top two were within 2% of each other. Adam is clutching his desk thing for dear life. Dia is in the top two. So is Javier. Javier is #2 on iTunes and Dia is #1. And the winner of The Voice is Javier Colon. Awww, well done. Also, exploding confetti and hugs. What a feel-good show. And Javier gives a classy thank you speech and does a "hoo!" to control his emotions.

That's it, folks. Let's see what season 2 brings us. Hopefully less Christina.

Live blogging The Voice: 6/28/11

2011-06-28T20:53:00.019-07:00

Final performance show!

It opens with the coaches taking the stage. The return of a Queen cover (this time with David Bowie) with "Under Pressure." Good choice, except every time Christina sings solo, Freddie Mercury's corpse cries.

Things that will be happening tonight: finalists performing with their coaches and an original song (~interesting), as well as Brad "totally endearing" Paisley, and other surprises.

Oh good, a 43958734985734985 minute recap. All you need to know is that the finalists are

Team Christina: Beverly McClellan

Team Blake: Dia Frampton

Team Adam: Javier Colon

Team Cee Lo: Vicci Martinez

Blah, blah blah. Chatting to the finalists. Chatting to the coaches. Lol, Carson Daly made a TRL reference. You're still as boring of a host 10 years on.

Cee Lo chatting about wanting more strong females. I like that. Adam and Christina are bland. Blake is darling as usual. Isn't Blake just a breath of fresh air for TV?

SHUT UP, TECHIE GIRL.

Javier Colon is up first. Rodney Jerkins is helping out with the original song. This song is entitled "Stitch by Stitch." Acoustic-tastic. Let's see if I can come up with a good pop culture formula for this song:

(The Script + Eva Cassidy)^21st Century Adult Contemporary = "Stitch by Stitch"

Judges critiques: Blake: "He's a good dude." Christina: Song suited him well. Cee Lo: "Sounds like it's your song." Adam: May or may not have gotten choked up.

Dia Frampton is duetting with Blake Shelton with "Won't Back Down." Well, it's a sufficiently bland enough song for Dia. To be fair, they're wearing shades and suits, Blues Brothers style. Dammit, this is adorable. It reminds me that sometimes Tom Petty songs are good in a driving-in-the-car sort of way. Question: Do that many guitarists in this back-up band have long hair? Solid, forgettable, cute performance.

Vicci Martinez is up next for her solo. Butch Walker is producing her single. Vicci confesses to Dashboard Confessional as her teenage guilty pleasure. She's pretty awesome. Her original song is called "Afraid to Sleep." She's carrying around the microphone stand. Pop culture analogy for the song:

(80s Heart + Pink)/Oh oh oh = "Afraid to Sleep"

Judges critiques: Adam: talking about having fun being a spectator. Invested in her performance. Apparently she has some jeans Adam gives her. Blake: Been in her pants joke. Christina: great performer. Cee Lo: "A force to be reckoned with." (Have I mentioned Cee Lo's red silk robe/tunic thing?)

Random performance of Pitbull and Ne-Yo "Give Me Everything." Pitbull is everywhere these days, including that ridiculous Jennifer Lopez song "On the Floor" that I hear at least twice per day during my commute to my internship. He's kind of an obnoxious rapper, but I love me some Ne-Yo. Except he just tried to seduce Christina. Ne-yo, you're in the danger zone.

Beverly and Christina will be performing "Beautiful." Barf. Anytime anyone performs this song and it's not in Mean Girls, I have second-hand embarrassment. Well, it wasn't that terrible. They kept things stripped down except their tacky vocals. Beverly sounded better, though.

RIDICULOUS PREVIEW FOR SOME SINGING SHOW WITH DEBORAH MESSING AND "BEAUTIFUL." FAME PART 2: THIS TIME IT'S NOT GLEE?

Dia Frampton is next. Cheesy things are said during the recording. Her song is titled "Inventing Shadows." Pop culture analogy:

(Regina Spektor x Rachael Yamagata)/The Fray = "Inventing Shadows"

In other words, vanilla as hell, but with potential to not completely suck, but it kind of is super boring.

Judges critiques: Christina: trying to pick a fight with the judges, and Blake owns her. Cee Lo: song will probably be #1 on iTunes (BECAUSE IT'S SO BORING). Adam: distracted by the dancers in the background (because he's awesome). Blake: talking trash, like a champ. Can I just vote for Blake?

LOL. Javier and Adam are singing Michael Jackon's "Man in the Mirror." Darling choice, and it'll take advantage of their high ranges. This song is so magic, and these two sound good together, although I wish they would harmonize on the chorus. Javier is totally owning Adam on the key change. I love they're both doing the "hoo!"s. Nice.

Guys, Brad Paisley is performing. I can't say I know every song he's ever written, but I always like his songs, and I'm kind of in love with him. Blake is joining in! Of course. One of these days Blake will perform next to someone and not be a foot taller than them. This is not that day.

Beverly McClellan is next. I missed who the producer is again. I've decided I don't care. Her song is called "Love Sick." It's incredible how bland all of these songs sound on first listen, but would probably all become hits. This original song bit is a fun twist to a voice performance. Pop culture formula:

Journey x Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band = "Love Sick"

Guys, this is my favorite song of the night. My classic rock tendencies have spoken, once again.

Judges critiques: Cee Lo: getting poetic. One of his favorites. Adam: it was ~fun~ Blake: "If music was crack, you would have a serious problem." Christina: work ethic and big heart.

Cee Lo and Vicci are singing Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield." I love Cee Lo's musical choices. Cee Lo looks like King Bowser. Vicci may or may not be the leader to a short of stature post-apocalyptic tribe. This is brilliant. Any time you can combine small children dancing, spikes, gritty vocals, and 80s chick rock, do it.

I don't know who to vote for. Who is your choice?

P.S. I won't be live blogging tomorrow night, but I'll post something celebrating the winner. Good night!

Reason #4327 thirtysomething is awesome

2011-06-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

That one time Angela Bassett played Richard Cummings Jr.'s wife on season 3 episode 5, "Legacy."

The Audacity of Rock: Part 36

2011-06-25T18:02:00.000-07:00

Reggae ghosts.

Emphasis on beats 2 and 4, creepy backing vocals, and classic horror instruments (be it organ or harpsichord).

"Ghost Town" by The Specials (1981)

There's actually some pretty interesting historical background of this song, including rising unemployment and civil unrest in the UK. Mostly, it's just an awesome song that blends unlikely genres. Seriously, Middle Eastern something with reggae, with 1950/60s horror with a mariachi(?) bridge. I'll allow it.

Not even trying to look they're performing live.

"Two Against One" by Dangermouse and Daniele Luppi starring Jack White (2011)

Apparently this whole album, Rome, was inspired by Spaghetti Westerns? Which, sure. I'm not sure of the inspiration for "Two Against One", but something by Ennio Morricone is probably a safe bet. I'm also not sure what this song is about, but probably someone with low self-esteem if his mirror is a trigger. Mostly, I just like acoustic guitar/harpsichord/surfer guitar/reggae thing going on.

Questions:

1. Do you remember the good old days before the ghost town?

2. Is Jack White in every recording studio at once? Why or why not?

Live blogging The Voice: 6/22/11

2011-06-22T19:57:00.017-07:00

First results show live blogging. Let's see how this goes.

The last time she wore a shirt.

Carson Daly is not wearing a tie. The semi-finalists are singing some sort of George Michael medley of "Freedom '90" and "Faith". Obviously. This is delightful because, what the random? Also, all of the singers pretty good, except poor Dia and Xenia are too gentle to sound like they fit. Christina update: she's wearing a shirt with her name on it. The ladies at my internship were appalled at how fat she looked last night during the Maroon 5 /Christina song. It was both hilarious and a bonding conversation.

Will you judge me for flipping to SYTYCD during this recap? Oh wait. Stupid couple. Flipping back. Don't worry I'm "enjoying" a routine by Mandy Moore to "Addicted to Love" on SYTYCD. Why is this woman obsessed with the 80s? BTW, Debbie Reynolds is the greatest.

BACK TO THE SHOW.

Team Cee Lo is up first, Nakia and Vicci. I know everyone in the Tacoma-Seattle area is routing for Vicci. I think Carson Daly wants everyone to cry based on the ridiculously personal questions he's asking. Cee Lo is reading a letter that ends "Red 'til I'm dead." Heartfelt. He voted 51 Nakia, 49 Vicci. Apparently he couldn't hear Vicci over the drums from his seat. And adding America's votes, Vicci is the winner. Pacific Northwest!

SYTYCD update: Debbie Reynolds is singing old timey songs.

BACK TO THE SHOW.

Cee Lo is performing "Bright Lights, Bigger City." He's apparently a band leader tonight. He is also wearing some sort of 1920s?30s? wig some sweet dancers move around him. Adam Levine is laughing for some reason. At least Cee Lo has suspenders.

Apparently Adam Levine is featured on Gym Class Heroes' "Stereo Hearts." Is this a band I'm supposed to care about? Also, barf. Stop gushing.

Okay, Casey and Javier from Team Adam are up next. Adam voted 65 for Javier, 36 for Casey. Adam's rationale: wants to give Javier a better chance since Casey's such a baby. COMMERCIAL BREAK. Javier wins! Not that surprising. His voice is perfection.

Awkward video package involving Xenia being awkward around Brad Paisley. Oh, apparently it's a Blake Shelton performance. Dinner update: I'm eating reduced fat Chips Ahoy! Actually pretty good.

Dia and Xenia from Team Blake are up for elimination. I'm kind of fond of these two, even if they don't seem very versatile. Blake votes 50/50 for his girls, but America puts Dia into the finals. Look for some adorable, scoopy vocals in your future!

Team Christina's Frenchie and Beverly are next. I guess I prefer Beverly, if only because she didn't sing a dance club version of "Like a Prayer." Christina looks serious. Even her crimped hair looks almost solemn in some sort of rubbberband braid (what is that called? The Jasmine Look?). Christina voted 50/50. Boy, Adam looks kind of like a dick now. America's votes put Beverly into the final show. Fabulous. She's fun.

Carson Daly is putting a word in for all the sponsors. He is such a boring host. Why doesn't Cat Deeley host everything? Whatever. I'll see you next week.

Live blogging The Voice: 6/21/11

2011-06-21T20:59:00.018-07:00

2 from Adam and Cee Lo are up for elimination. And who knows what else is in store for this ever-changing format show. Welcome to the semi-finals, y'all.

Nice shirt.

Oh! 8 of the semi-finalists are performing tonight as well as Blake Shelton and Maroon 5. And we're off to elimination. This is a surprisingly chipper pace.

Team Cee Lo eliminations are first. He says it's a very "sensitive moment" for him. The most votes went to Vicci Martinez. I like her sass. Well done, America. Oh. I zoned out for that entire deliberation, but Cee Lo chooses Nakia. I'll miss you Curtis, and your sleazy ways.

Team Adam eliminations are next. Javier Colon got the most votes, so he's staying around. WHO ELSE WILL STAY? I actually like all of Adam's team. Adam says "fiber of my being." Is this testimony meeting? HE CHOOSES CASEY WESTON! Aww. I'm so glad. I think Jeff will go places now that he's had some exposure. Casey's a kind of random contestant, so I'm excited for her.

What the crimpy french roll is on Christina's head? Whatever, Frenchie is first, and Christina chooses "Like a Prayer" for her to sing. Good choice. Best Madonna song ever? And if someone who can actually sing in a gospel way sings, it will be delightful.

Frenchie's Performance: Gospel choir surrounding her. Fabulous. The tempo is faster, and it sounds like a Cher circa "Believe" remix. Failure. Frenchie is a good singer, but this arrangement is kind of boring. Tacky breakdown at the end.

Judges Critiques: Cee Lo: "That's my soul sister." Adam: "I love you." Blake: something overly complimentary. Christina: talking about how much effort that performance. Fine. She was good, but that song was boring.

Nakia is going to see Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me." At least Cee Lo chooses random songs that aren't overdone. Nakia is having a moment with the lyrics of the song. Tender.

Nakia's Performance: Playing the piano in a white suit: classy. Awww, yeah, the band kicks in. Stone cold sunglasses look on Cee Lo's face. Nakia starts working the stage. I'll say this, it's probably more enjoyable than Adam Lambert's rendition.

Judges Critiques: Adam has the exact same critique as I do. We are soulmates. Blake: "Freakin' award show performance." Christina: loved it. Cee Lo: Team spirit! Nakia's going to be a star!

Commercial break thoughts: The results show tomorrow is totally going to cut into my So You Think You Can Dance viewing. I just had a resurgence of my SYTYCD obsession. Oh well. They're making us watch the same 20 dancers dance again. Although they're going to kick off 4! of the dancers on Thursday. Oh my!

Dia is next and will be singing "Losing My Religion." Coach Blake says "Whippin' (kickin'?) some A." Dia going to make the band clap hands during the chorus while she's playing guitar.

Dia's Performance: When did this over-articulating each word singing style come into fashion (especially "r"s)? Anyway, she sounds good. So do those hand claps. Again, if you're going to cover a song, at least make it interesting (take note, Christina).

Judges Critiques: Christina: She's grown so much on the show. True words. Cee Lo: Likes that Blake let Dia see her ~vision~. Adam: "Atypical choice." He's a fan. Blake: A girl stood on the stage and left her heart on the stage. He says, "Gosh damn." (side note: What is with the wind machine on Dia?)

Casey Weston is next and will be singing "I Will Always Love You." At least Adam is advising her to not sing like Whitney Houston. No kidding. If you must sing like someone, Dolly Parton is always a better choice.

Casey's Performance: The wind machine is at it again. Aww, and Casey is more Dolly than Whitney. Good for her. The simple piano and violin accompaniment is lovely. Beautifully and simply done.

Judges Critiques: Blake: she blows her away every week, also she is hot. Adam: blah blah blah, they battle. Their arguments pay off.

Can I mention that I'm so glad no one hams up when their phone number is flashed on the screen, using their fingers to show us the number? WTF is that?

Maroon 5 is performing their knew song "Moves Like Jagger." This is sounding disco-licious. Also, is this the sort of person Ke$ha was singing about. Gross, Christina is singing now. Her voice is like the banana of music. There's no way to ignore that she's singing, her voice annoyingly permeates everything, much like bananas combined with anything. Good thing she has more cleavage right now. More questions: did Mick Jagger have that impressive of moves?

Beverly McClellan is next. Christina chooses "The Thrill is Gone." Does everyone play an instrument in this competition? Bev's rocking the piano right now. Christina is modelling a terrible way to squawk through the song.

Beverly's Performance: Beverly sounds pretty good, but she's getting too showy. I'm sorry. But some of these singers pull out all of the stops immediately and remove all sense of building any anticipation. Still, at least it's not millennial Cher.

note: Carson Daly is still awkward.

Judges Critiques: Cee Lo: loves her, loves how many people are musicians on the show. It's true--how cool that these people have skills. Christina: Loves Bev's bluesy, soulful side.

Javier Colon is next and talking about how terrible the music industry is. OH. "Fix You." By Coldplay. Adam's preaching melody fidelity. I just made up that phrase.

Javier's Performance: You guys, this is reminding me that I don't hate this song. It's so damn cheesy, but Javier's killing it. He's got a beautiful high range. Well done, sir. And Team Adam 4ever.

Judges Critiques: Christina: Liked it, but wanting to see a more ~soulful side. Cee Lo: Name dropping. Complimentary gibberish. Adam: blah blah blah, Javier's hat is off. Best voices he's ever heard ever. Truth.

I'm ignoring the twitter shenanigans happening right now. Now Blake Shelton is performing "Honeybee." I think I've actually heard this song on the radio. Probably when I've been flipping stations when the classic rock station is playing Rush. Seriously, Seattle? What is with so much Rush on the radio? Anyway, adorable song, adorable man, and a honeycomb motif in the background. Cute! Dia and Xenia just joined him on stage. How precious is Team Blake?

SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT OBAMA TOMORROW NIGHT? Ahem. Xenia is up next. She's singing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by Script. Is this a band I should know about? Inspirational coaching about how awesome Xenia is.

Xenia's Performance: I love her smooth little voice, and she's getting so confident. Good for her. Adam: ~uniqueness. Sleep song, but she sounded great. Christina: Xenia's maturity. Blake is a Papa Bear. One of her favorites. Cee Lo: Likes how "quaint" and "unaffected" she is by the competition. Blake: Wants to hear Xenia's voice on the radio.

Xenia's face when she was forced to hug Carson Daly was priceless.

Good news, Love in the Wild starts next week.

Vicci Martinez is going to sing "Dog Days are Over." Apparently it means to live your truth. Tender moments about her dad. Cee Lo says she wants to be healed.

Vicci's Performance: Oh snap! She's percussioning! She's giving it all she's got, unfortunately, Florence Welch from Florence + the Machine has such a distinctive and perfect voice, I can't quite get into it. It really is a song that's more about the voice than the melody, so it doesn't translate well to such an unpolished voice.

Judges Critiques: Adam: She killed it, amazing, dynamo, he loves drums. Blake: Most powerful performance of the night. That's pretty true. Christina: Great performance, loved it. Cee Lo: something about a warrior spirit and dancing to a different drummer.

The judges have to divide 100 points between their two people which will have an equal weight to America's votes. I have to give the producers this: each week is different.

Final thoughts: Anyway, I'll be pulling for Team Adam and Team Blake. I know only 1 from each will make it, but I can dream. And apparently they cap votes to 10x. So, you know, calm down. Carson is collecting envelopes from the coaches. Good night and I'll see you tomorrow.

One of the (many) questions I have after watching The Tree of Life

2011-06-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

How are Jessica Chastain and Bryce Dallas Howard not the same person?

Live blogging The Voice: 6/14/11

2011-06-14T20:59:00.020-07:00

Alright kids, Team Adam and Team Cee Lo are up tonight, so hopefully we'll be hearing some quality/not painful performances tonight.

Blake Shelton's dreamy hair from the early 2000s.

I want you guys to know that I managed to buy the regular sweetened kind of almond chocolate milk to drink during this show. I also want you to know that Cee Lo is wearing a lot of sequins and Christina looks extra orange. First event of the evening: eliminations from last week. The lowest three voted on Christina's and Blake's teams will be up for elimination. Two will make it through to the next round.

Team Christina is first. I'm hoping Raquel or Beverly go. They're both boring. Christina is "literally so sad" about making this decision. Tears are happening. Beverly is safe. Stopped dragging this out Carson Daly. Stop trying to talk about people are feeling. This isn't therapy. To be fair, Christina sounds legitimately nervous/shaken. But we have to listen to how she feels about everyone. GET TO IT, WOMAN.

Christina chooses Frenchie to go on to the next round. 1/2 ain't bad, Christina. Apparently Blake will make his eliminations at the end of the show. The backstage chick is talking about ~emotions~ with Team Blake and other peeps. I'm bored. GET TO IT, WOMAN.

Commercial break: Colin Farrell looks like he'll be funny in Horrible Bosses. I might be in love with him now (I know, I'm a few years late for this sort of crush). In fact, that whole cast looks good, although that movie looks a bit horrible. Maybe it actually is funny, and they're saving the good moments for the movie. We can hope.

Cee Lo's Tori and Taylor Thompson are up next. They're going to be singing "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" WTF?

Performance: AH! PATRIOTISM! They don't sound too bad. I really miss the third voice in the harmony, though. This is better than I thought it was going to be, and they are two of the cutest girls I've ever seen. I don't know if I'll care by the end of the show though. Carson informs us it's Flag Day.

Judges Critiques: Adam: Good old-fashioned entertainment. Blake: loving the oufits (40s-erific). Christina: complimenting the stage direction. Cee Lo: so proud of the girls and to be an American.

Adam's Casey Weston will be singing KT Tunstall's "Black Horse On a Cherry Tree." Adam is encouraging energy rather than a slow ballad.

Performance: Some dudes are playing upside-down buckets. This reminds me of a stomp routine I did in high school for dance team. BTW, Casey sounds pretty good. I love her gritty upper range. She might be one of my favorites in this competition. Damn, the back-up singers are getting down. And she tosses her guitar pick at the end.

Judges Critiques: Blake: about to download her song and Blue Man Group jokes. Christina: again talking about the staging, and talking about tigers. Which are orange. Like her. Cee Lo: joking. Adam: Giving Cee Lo crap and compliments her on her energy.

Back from commercial, Blake admits to drinking not water. Love him. Up next, Cee Lo's Vicci Martinez is singing the Dolly Parton classic "Jolene." Best choice.

Performance. Ooo, mood lighting. Vicci's taking it nice and slow. I love all this husky-voiced women on this show. Oh, snap! She's kicking it up to a higher melody. Not the most exciting moment of the night, but pretty solid.

Judges Critiques: Adam: "soulful, raw, honest." Blake: Vicci's explosive, huge fan. Christina: "feelin' it" and loved the ambiance. Cee Lo: "worked the stage like a professional," something about vulnerability, and go Team Cee Lo!

Team Dama's Devon Barley. He's going to see "Stop and Stare" by One Republic. Ugh, it's like my junior year of college all over again. My roommates were obsessed with One Republic. Again the talk of vulnerability. Adam takling about an athletic stance with the microphone.

Performance: Oh honey, you sound okay, but you're a little sharp. And I really like you. I love Adam's co-performance from his chair. Now he's a little flat. :( His outfit matches Carson's.

Judges Critiques: Blake: loves that it was a guy singing his ass off. Christina: appreciates his swagger. Cee Lo: I'm too distracted by his jacket and Christina's giggling to know what he's saying. Adam: likes to keep the stage presentation to a minimum (good for you, buddy). Does mention the pitch issues, but encouraging.

Team Cee Lo is at a spa or something? Why are they wearing robes. And what is this necklace he's wearing. Some sort of group warm fuzzy direction is going on. GET TO IT, TEAM. Oh, it is a massage place. Nice.

Team Cee Lo is performing "Everyday People." This is delightfully 70s. There is a dancing horn section. The clap-laugh that Adam is doing is describing how I feel about this. So much fringe and vests. Did I mention Cee Lo's Sly (of the Family Stone) wig? It's happening. Well played, Team Cee Lo. So far, everyone else is way more creative than Christina. I will never forgive "Lady Marmalade."

Awkward twitter moment that is best ignored. Commercial break.

Nakia from Team Cee Lo is sing Kings of Leon's "Sex is On Fire." Also a great sing loudly in the car song. I love Cee Lo's sexy sunglasses removal during rehearsal.

Performance: Ooh, nice suit. Ooh, girls twirling fire. He sounds good. Let's just be honest, the mainstream Kings of Leon writes some good music. The instruments drop, and he's on his knees. LOL. Well done.

Judges Critiques: Blake: "felt the burn". Cee Lo: great job, impeccable.

Adam's Jeff Jenkins will be singing "Jesus Take the Wheel." I cannot take this song seriously, but I also have to admit this is a very powerful song. Blah blah blah, raising the key. "Makin' mom proud."

Performance: This is already going to be great, I've got goosebumps.YES. He's killing this chorus. His voice is like heaven. Aww, he's thanking the audience. Cutest.

Judges Critiques: Christina: therapizing Jeff about his song choice, "beautiful." Adam: forgot about the competition and taking notes because he such a good performer. True. Looks like they're speeding along the show by skipping over some of the judges. I'm upset I don't get to hear Blake talk.

Team Adam is at Adam's place. Nice patio. Talking about the gimmicks other coaches are going to pull. Adam, you're winning me over.

Team Adam is performing "With a Little Help From My Friends." Back-up gospel choir! So many silky smooth voices, mmm. Jeff is really bringing it home. I have to say, I wish I could hear the team rather than just the gospel choir. However, it give Adam the opportunity to scream and Javier to melisma. Oh! John Burroughs High School provided the back-up. Fun!

Cee Lo's Curtis Grimes is next, and Cee Lo is having him sing "Addicted to Love." Cee Lo is demanding more raunch. I can't wait.

Performance: Yessss, he's got some dancing background ladies. The country twang on this song is working. Curtis has a lot of understated charisma. AHAHAHAHA: Curtis feeling up the ladies. Perfect.

Judges Critiques: Adam: Curtis wears the cowboy hat, jealous of his deep/manly voice. Blake: go country! Christina: Ew, flirting with Curtis making him say sleazy stuff, pointing out Team Cee Lo's sexualness. Carson is making Christina speed things up. Cee Lo: our team is "kicking ass."

Adam's Javier Colon is singing "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. ?????? Are we at a point where this song isn't the worst yet? Adam telling him to stay true to the melody.

Performance: His falsetto is effortless and lovely. The tempo of the song is sped up and the sassy second verse is vastly improving the pukey association I have to this song. Well played, Javier.

He's receiving a butt ton of applause from the in-studio audience.

Judges Critiques: Blake: compliments. Christina: "The one that got away." Good choice, Javier. You went with someone who wouldn't whore out your voice. Cee Lo: "The voice of an angel." Adam: "Absolutely perfect."

Voting officially open.

Team Blake elimination time. I'm kind of feeling Dia and Xenia because they're adorable. America's votes saved Dia. Yay! Blake looks super serial. There's a lot of chatting. Blake is at least making things as snappy as possible. He chooses Xenia because he can effect more change. It looks like Xenia's sister is sobbing profusely. Love it.

Spring (summer?) cleaning

2011-06-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

In a bout of post-finals cleansing, I actually managed to clean my house this week. I have to say, I wish I had a cool robot to help me out in the process:

House Cleaning

Revenge of the Nerds

— MOVIECLIPS.com

Or at least a DJ Roomba to accompany the process:

But alas, I had to do all the cleaning and iPod player moving by hand. However, it did give me some time to contemplate one of my (ironically?) favorite miniseries, The Thorn Birds. Every time I shake out a rug, I instantly wish Richard Chamberlain's Father Ralph de Bricassart was there to excessively beat it against a railing for me:

Seriously, Chamberlain, calm down. The dust of Drogheda is never coming out of that rug.

Although I remember imagining Father Ralph as another, much hotter man of the cloth when I read The Thorn Birds in high school:

Mmm, angsty Randall Batinkoff as Reverend David Grantland in Christy.

Maybe I could just have Reverend David come by in priest collar and call it good. He still better roll up his sleeves though.

Live blogging The Voice: 6/7/11

2011-06-07T20:56:00.029-07:00

Oh, hey! This is actually going to be live today.

Intense black-and-white shot of Adam.

LOL. It starts with the Adam Levine singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." Fun fact: this is the song I tore my ACL to. It really is the most dramatic song ever. Adam is doing well with the "Mama just killed a man" section. "We Will Rock You." I can't decide who is more endearing singing this song, Cee Lo or Blake Shelton. Oh boy, Adam is guitaring. Nicely done, Mr. Levine. What the hell is Christina wearing? And what is she doing to "We Are the Champions?" I wish I could bottle the awkward costume combination happening right now. Cee Lo's in sweats, Adam's in a t-shirt and jeans, Blake is going for a vest/tie/jeans combo, and Christina is wearing some sort of pin-up costume with a Forever 21 silver jacket.

Oh, good. We get to relive "the emotional journey" so far. What's with the transition noises between cuts? When is that going to start sounding dated? It already sounds obnoxious on 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother.

It already sounds like Christina is going to give some more "just over sing it, here I'll show you how" advice in this super long preview of the season.

Okay, 2 artists have to go home, but 2 will be saved. This seems a little So You Think You Can Dance-y. I guess only 2 teams go per week. Good times. Discussing the teams: Christina has some intense drag make-up going on. Blake: "How do people have kids?" I don't know, man. He's winning me over. I might have to picture him next week. Adam/Cee Lo "trash talking" or something.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR TECHNOLOGY AND HASH TAGS.

So to clarify, Team Christina and Team Blake are going this week.

Raquel Castro is first up and she's singing Ke$ha's "Blow." Are there dancers!? Wow, she's dancing, too?

Raquel's performance: Predictably, she's already off-pitch a little bit. In other news, she's harnessing Amy Grant with that hair. I'm disappointed she's not trying to sing the autotune parts, but this makes this a really boring vocal performance, she just keeps yelling "Blow" before dancing awkwardly.

Judges critiques: Cee Lo says it was wonderful. It was exciting, I guess. Adam: impressed that she can sing and dance. Fair enough. Blake: "Damnit." Says she's one of his favorites. Yawn. Christina: super cheerleader, talking about ladies and ridiculous outfits. Fun fact: you don't have to wear 324987 inch heels. Oh good, voting numbers.

Commercial break.

Jared Blake is going to sing "Use Somebody." I love singing this song in the car. It's just so fun to figure out how to sing "somebody" like Anthony Caleb Followill does. "Somebod-yeah!"

Jared's performance: Pretty good so far. It's a good song, I have to admit. GUITAR THROW! Good thing he has about a dozen wallet chains. I already like this guy better than Raquel, despite his headband and creepy front row flirting.

Judges critiques: Christina: I can't hear her words past her orange glow, although she points out he started out shaky. Cee Lo: encouragement. Adam: that was the perfect song. I agree. Blake: encouragement with a Southern accent.

Commercial break.

Beverly McClellan's up next singing "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge. This is the most predictable choice ever. Apparently she has a cold. It'll just make her more gruff.

Beverly's performance: some sort of Scottish Military look tonight? She sounds good, but this isn't very exciting, mostly because it's not 1993. I've heard this song enough times, and it sounds exactly like Melissa's version.

Judges critiques: Cee Lo: Beverly is one of his favorites because she's so natural and her presence. Adam: "The one that got away." He's looking very tan today, too. Blake: blown away. Says she's looking sexy and hot. Hmm. Okay. Christina: trying to trash talk. She's terrible at it, and Adam is all, "WTF?" And then Blake maybe just swore? Thanks, censorship.

Commercial Break

Dia Frampton is singing "Heartless" by Kanye West. Interesting choice. Oh, and she's going to play the piano as well. Blake thinks this will help relieve her nervousness.

Dia's performance: Yay! This is bringing out a little sass in her contrasting with her outfit that is late-60s/early-70s adorable. Well done.

Judges critiques: Christina: Interesting, wasn't expecting it. Saw the fighter come out. Cee Lo: greatest rendition of that song he's ever heard, and he's going to call up Kanye. Adam: Most refreshing and unique thing on the show so far. AGREED. Blake: favorite moment on The Voice. What a proud coach.

Side note: I wish I could pull off bangs like Dia.

Commercial break. The Marriage Ref is back?

Team Christina is having dinner with her girls. ~Character building moment~ Telling them to leave out dance steps. Why are they dancing? Why did that become a thing? I think it's from, I don't know, the 60s? The Temptations probably weren't the first, but around there.

Team Christina performance: "Lady Marmalade." Gross. Christina's part in that song has always been my least favorite because she can't blend with other singers at all. Beverly is owning this performance. She's not going crazy with the melody like the other girls, and she has a refreshing voice compared to the other girls. What the hell is everyone wearing? Christina's about to bust her breasts out all over the place. At least Frenchie has a cute, tasteful dress. ACK! MELISMA-OFF. I just threw up. PLEASE BE OVER NOW. Stop trying to trash talk from the stage, Christina.

Twitter updates. Oh.

Commercial break. Gwen Stefani still exists? They're already casting for season 2 of The Voice?

Xenia is singing "Price Tag" by Jesse J. They've got a choreographer for her to "loosen up." Aww, I love Blake coaching Xenia.

Xenia's performance: She's offering a little face tonight. I can't express how cute I find her. She doesn't have a big voice, but it's interesting. I love how Blake is singing and dancing from his chair like a show mom. Aww, he comes up and hugs her at the end. SO. CUTE.

Judges critiques: Christina: Xenia has become one of her favorites. Christina has picked up on the good reality show journey that the editors created. Cee Lo: enjoyed it. Adam: liked seeing Xenia have fun. Blake: "America is watching a star being born." What a proud coach.

Commercial break.

Lily Elise will be singing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH. This song is the worst. Christina is trying to coach her into showing a "softer side." Blah blah blah "vulnerability."

Lily's performance: These back-up dancers are distracting, but it might be for the best. This song is the worst. She sounds good and she even did an almost-cry face. WHAT. Her vocals got a little weird when she was trying to emote. Oh, no. She's pulling a "She's Out Of My Life" at the end.

Judges critique: Cee Lo: "little, darlin'" Adam: advocating for no dancers because she did better once they were gone. YES YES YES. Blake: Hated the "mimes" in the background, but ended up liking her song. Christina: so proud. Talking about the symbolism of the dancers. Barf. Lily represented control and restraint? Sometimes? Whatever. Choose a better song next time, lady friend.

Twitter break. Why is the Tech Girl wearing a jump suit? :(

Commercial break. Awkward ad about NBC being the broadcaster of the Olympics through 2020. Because that's relevant in an Olympic off-year.

Team Blake gettin' together for lunch. Talking about performing and fame and Miranda.

LOL. Team Blake is performing Maroon 5's "This Love." The grin on Adam's face is super cute. Xenia and the country dude whose name I forgot (Patrick, apparently) are harmonies. It's an interesting mash-up, but I like Blake Shelton's team is totally owning Christina's team. Jared is singing the creepy sexual lyrics. Now Jared and Dia are harmonizing. Dia is so sassy in her flats. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE PRACTICAL FOOTWEAR. Blake brining it home with the bridge. Classy choice to let his team shine before him. OMG, how TALL is he? Adam gives a standing O. Adam says: Excellent song choice (lulz). Points out how tall Blake is.

Commercial break. According to answers.com, Blake Shelton is 6'5". I believe it.

Patrick Thomas choses "I Hope You Dance" for his sister. Barf. Mostly for the song. Sisters are awesome. Blake wants him to bring more emotion to his precise singing.

Patrick's preformance: Sporting a formal cowboy hat. The only way I can describe this performance is Beauty Pageant Bland. Nothing interesting is happening, and there is a lot of vibrato. At least he nailed the key change.

Judges critiques: Christina: sill waiting for him to take off his pants. Trying to start some sort of bromance stuff. ????? Cee Lo: consummate professional. Strong contender. Adam: classy, sophistacted, strong performance. Blake: Patrick is a pro and classy. Too bad he was so blaaaaaaaaaaaaand. Although it may have been the super bland song.

STOP READING TWEETS ON THE AIR.

Commercial break.

Paul Mirkovich is the musical director, and is playing one of the keyboards. His wikipedia page is hilarious.

Frenchie Davis is up, and she chooses "When Love Takes Over" by David Guetta. Christina advocating for "precise and clean." LOL.

Frenchie's performance: What is with Christina's girls choosing songs where they keep singing the same words over and over? At least this is better than "Blow." She has great volume dynamics (soak that in Christina). And for once the background dancers didn't pull my focus. Solid performance.

Judges critiques: Cee Lo: "You make me happy." Adam: She made him love that song. Also, "Damn, girl." Blake: making a distinction between dancers and mimes. "Power singer." Christina: talks about how controlled Frenchie is. Capital "T" Truth.

Voting is now open. I find Blake's team much more interesting during the performance review. Who are you voting for/would you vote for if you cared enough to vote?

Next week: 2 artists are kicked off, and Team Adam and Team Cee Lo perform. I think Team Adam has almost as interesting of a mix as Team Blake, so I'll be excited to see that next week. Til then.

Live blogging The Voice: 5/31/11

2011-06-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm a day late again. Deal with it.

Gratuitous Adam Levine. You're welcome.

Adam Levine has Jeff and Casey left. I'm overwhelmed by Casey's Rihanna-red hair and...romper? Adam chooses "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me." Good choice. Apparently Casey makes her own costumes. I believe it. I just got a sewing machine this last Christmas. Maybe I should make my own crazy shit to wear when I go to karaoke.

Practice: Adam singing is lovely. Aww, these Jeff and Casey sound good so far in the practice.

Pre-show self-pep talks: ridiculous, but at least these two didn't say anything that makes me vomit.

Performance: This sounds good! I think I might go with Jeff because he has the more resonant voice.

Judging: Reba couldn't keep her eyes off Jeff, Blake couldn't keep her eyes off Casey. Christina: bland comments. Cee Lo sides with Jeff. Coach Adam is all "both of you are awesome"ing and advisor Adam whispers to him dramatically. COMMERCIAL BREAK. WHO WILL WIN? He chooses Jeff. Well done. He's so Gary LeVox lovable.

_______

Blake Shelton has Xenia and Sara left and chooses "I'll Stand By You." HOLY CRAP HE'S 89457 FEET TALLER THAN BOTH OF THEM. Anyway, he says that since they're both bashful, he wants to see who will stand out. Fun.

Practice: Reba says "piana" for "piano." Reba is so fabulous. Can I be her when I grow up? Oh. Blake and Reba made Xenia cry.

Performance: Xenia's voice is so sweet and interesting. Sara is harnessing all the powers of American Idol melisma. Barf. Xenia better win this. This is an interesting combination. Xenia doesn't have much volume, but she's more pleasant to listen to than Sara.

Judging: Christina picks up on Sara's "pitchy"ness. Cee Lo's equally impressed. Adam: there were nerves flying around everywhere and it wasn't the right song for them. Blake's all: just deal with the song. Reba: talking about how nervous and scared they both were. Blake chooses Xenia! YES! Blake, you give me life.

_______

Christina Aguilera has Lily and Cherie and is having them sing "Since You Been Gone" since it's neither of their genres. What a crazy song. It's hella high.

Practice: As pointed out by my sister, I do know who Sia is. Or at least that one song. WOW. Lily's hitting those notes. These harmonies that Christina has her team do always sound terrible.

Pre-show self-pep talks: Extra ridiculous. Blah blah blah I used to be a back-up singer.

Performance: Lily is donning some sort of hood thing. Too bad she can't find the right pitch. Cherie actually sounds good on this chorus. Color me impressed. Lily is trying, but it's a little out of her range and her vocal runs aren't helping.

Judging: Adam: new energy, sound fantastic. Apparently Cherie helped write a number one song for Reba or something. Cee Lo is snapping. Sia says Lily's high note was spectacular: false. Completely off-topic critique: Christina likes Lily's shorty shorts and heels combo. Lily wins. LAME. Christina has terrible taste sometimes.

_______

Cee Lo has Emily and Curtis. Emily is freaking out because she is friends with Curtis. Suck it up, woman. Cee Lo chooses "Need You Now." Cee Lo gets all philosophical about the song. I have to admit I like the song. LOL, Curtis has some heartbroken baseball story.

Practice: Yes! Building up the Emily-Curtis shipper. Good work, "The Voice" editors. I kind of have a crush on Curtis just like Emily. Hahahaha, Cee Lo is stirring up some method-acting. Love it.

Pre-show self-pep talks: Emily is so crushing hard on Curtis. Curtis is all, "Women aren't worth it."

Performance: Curtis is nailing the harmonies, and he totally looks like Timothy Hutton. LOVE. Their harmonies are pretty good, although not ~magical~ because Emily is a little off. Oh wait! Awkward duet eye contact! Curtis is my choice. OH! Battle round make-out at the end! LOLOLOL. Reality show magic!

Judging: Blake gets punny: "duet, not do it." Adam: jealous of Curtis' baritone. Christina: Emily was shaky, but had a lot of strong notes. Monica: just can't choose. Cee Lo: Emily out of her comfort zone and Curtis is comfortable. CURTIS WINS! YES! My Timothy Hutton fetish will carry on.

_______

Preview: It's live next week, folks, and on at an earlier hour. Boyfriend will be out of the country by then, so I'm pretty sure I'll have nothing better to do than watch it live. There's also a special coach performance: amusing. I think I'll miss the dueting. That was pretty entertaining and creative. I'm afraid of American Idol-like hijinks will ensue. I'll just hope for the best!

Live blogging The Voice: 5/24/11

2011-05-25T19:11:00.002-07:00

I know. I'm a day late. It's okay. I'm still going to live blog this kind of terrible show. Also, since I'm watching this online instead of as it airs, I've given up on time-stamping.

Blah blah blah flashbacks.

Christina chooses Raquel and Julia. They both look like high school students. And they get to sing "Only Girl in the World." Excellent. Also, Raquel is so tiny.

Oh. It turns out they're both babies.

I'm totally jelly that they have the range to sing this song because I love this song. Also, "S&M." It was stuck in my head all last night when I kept waking up. This terrible anecdote is way better than the advice sessions with Christina and Sia (who I'm still all "who?" about).

Pitch problems in rehearsal!

Performance: Raquel is totally off-pitch. Okay, she's doing better now. Nope. She's flat again. Julia is holding things together a little bit.

These harmonies are the worst.

Cee Lo, that is falseness, Raquel was the worst. Blake, you are correct, Julia was better. Adam, false, they are not even. Raquel is totally cute, but FLAT. Christina, who are you going to choose????

Uggggh. Raquel wins. Lame.

_____________

Alright, Blake chooses Dia and Sarah B. to sing "Can't Hurry Love." Interesting combination. I'm just glad Blake is willing to shake things up with differing voices and random-ass oldies songs.

Sarabee makes my vocal folds sympathy hurt. And she's a little too crazy with the vocal runs. Dia is the cutest and has sweet, pure tone. My preference is pretty obvious.

God bless Blake Shelton for telling Sarabee to calm down with the over-singing.

Performance: Dia is a little is a little scoopy. It's kind of obnoxious.

Sarabee is Janice Joplin-ing. It's kind of obnoxious.

People keep talking about the odd pairing.

Reba telling Dia she is awesome for "staying true to herself." I love Reba.

Blake is so real. And he chooses Dia because Sarabee was so crazypants with the vocals.

_____________

Adam's turn! Rebecca and Devon are chosen to sing "Creep" by Radiohead. Were these kids even born when this song was released? Oh, apparently Rebecca knows this song. It probably seeped into her brain the moment she put in those purple highlights.

Devon is not doing well. Buck up, little camper!

Apparently Rebecca is a folk singer who lives in her car. Is she Jewel?

Performance: Devon found the melody. Way to go, buddy!

Omg, these two are so cute together. And their harmonies sound nice.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I WANT TO WIN, THEY MAKE RADIOHEAD ADORABLE.

Blake is telling him to never separate these two. Agreed. Christina says Devon stole the show. Cee Lo also likes Devon because he doesn't look like his voice. Adam is swearing adorably.

Devon wins! Awww. He'll need to find another chick to have cute baby-chemistry with.

_____________

Cee Lo picks the sisters Tori and Taylor Thompson versus Kelsey Rey. Nice name. I'm expecting Kelsey to OWN. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. LOL.

Gosh, these sisters are probably going to suck, but at least they don't have some sort of "I'm judged because I'm so beautiful" complex like Kelsey.

"Sisterly love amongst them." -Cee Lo

Performance: It's like Forever 21 threw up on the stage.

Kelsey sounds pretty good. The sisters actually aren't that bad.

Awww, they all three have harmonies. I just got goosebumps. This is embarrassing. Why is Natasha Bedingfeld so damn catchy?

Kelsey is so bland. I might have to side with the sisters.

Adam is overwhelmed by cuteness. Agreed. Blake says the sisters sound better than the audition (true) and that Kelsey was the more seasoned singer and would choose her. Christina goes with the sisters.

Cee Lo took off his sunglasses dramatically and then put them back on. The Thompson sisters win! I'm kind of happy for them.

Previews: Final battle round next week before they go LIVE. "Sun Going Down on Me"--yes! And apparently the season's most surprising moment. Side-eye.

I just hope to enjoy some more heart-meltingly adorable moments like this:

Live blogging "The Voice" 5/17/11

2011-05-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hello, blog readers (most likely related to me directly or through marriage). I'm back for more mediocre reality TV, so let's get to it.

Adam Levine with advisor Adam Blackstone.

:02 Oh, it's just taken 2 minutes for the show to actually start. Cee Lo choses Tje and Nakia. These are two really weird looking dudes.

:03 Tye is wearing a denim vest. Nice.

:04 Good thing they unsaturated the colors of the flashbacks so we know this isn't the present day.

:05 Cee Lo chose Ne-yo's "Closer." Have I ever declared my love of Ne-Y? No?Let it be known that Ne-Yo is pop perfection.

:07 I hate the adjective "pitchy."

:08 Aw yeah, the performance is warming up.

:09 This is going to be a tough call, but I'd go with Tje because of his adorable fro.

:10 First thing out of Adam's voice, "So much hair." Agreed.

:11 Carson Daly is holding both the guys' hands. It is incredibly awkward

COMMERCIAL BREAK

:15 Nakia wins! I'll miss Tje's hair, but at least there's a bearded guy in the running.

:15 The duo Elenowen and Jared Blake are up to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." I'm curious how they turn this duet into a trio-duet.

:17 I want to punch this hipster couple, they are too cute. Owen is a little too Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine. I officially want to punch him.

:19 Blake Shelton wanting these people to blend. Awkward combinations!

:20 DRAMATIC MUSIC FOLLOWED BY COMMERCIAL BREAK.

:25 Jared is surprisingly fun and gritty. Elenowen are sickening and not in a good, drag queen sort of way.

:26 The male half of Elenowen is not very good. He just has a hot wife. And the hot wife fails at the key change.

:28 Blake chooses Jared! Great choice. Now Elenowen can go back to their co-op.

During this commercial break I'll just address the ridiculous tweets at the bottom of the screen from the coaches. Essentially, they all say, "EVERYONE WAS AWESOME THIS DECISION IS HARD." But it's so hip and NOW to use tweets, so they're using it anyway. Thanks, family friendly programming.

Also, there is an ad for "The Sing-Off." I don't know how I feel about a full hour of a cappella.

:34 Javier and Angela are chosen. Angel is wearing a random headband wrapped around her skull and a denim vest. I want to slap her.

:35 "Stand By Me"? Really, Adam? I expected better. At least he's advocating for simplistic vocals. This song can get out of control fast.

:38 Ugh, this performance is getting real showboat-y real fast.

:39 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

:41 Javier wins. Thank goodness. That girl was embarrassing.

:46 Christina picks Beverly and Justin. She also picks "Baba O'Riley" for the song. Whaaaaat? Christina, why are you awesome?

:48 Ack! Melisma attack!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

:54 I already want "Baba O'Riley" to end.

:55 The harmonies are kind of nice since they have to actually sing the melody during this part.

:56 This guitar solo is the best part so far. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SINGING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

:57 Adam says, "Murderize." 10 points.

:58 Beverly wins. She's kind of a badass, so I'll go with it. I really had no preference on this one.

Previews: "ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD"! Yes and yes. Looks like I'm still watching this next week.

This may be my summer album

2011-05-14T14:30:00.001-07:00

Much like Local Natives' album Gorilla Manor took over my summer last year, I'm pretty sure Fleet Foxes' album Helplessness Blues will define this summer.

1) "Montezuma" - Let's not beat around the bush, I'm a choir girl, and the background harmonies resonate just like a boys' choir in this song. The "oh"s that underscore "Oh man that I used to be" are just heavenly.

2) "Bedouin Dress" - I woke up with this song stuck in my head, from the filler guitar riff, to the violin(?) solo filler, to the bouncy "ooh"s. It's a good album for vowels.

3) "Sim Sala Bim" - Witchcraft? I don't know. It's folky and dynamic and I love it. It reminds me of Zeppelin's "The Battle of Evermore", but with less LoTR and more Biblical references.

4) "Battery Kinzie" - This song takes a turn for the Simon & Garfunkel. The consistent harmonies and snappier tempo are pure 60s folk rock.

5) "The Plains/Bitter Dancer" - One of their longer songs, this song has a few movements. The first is mesh of vocal prettiness. The second is a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and/or Young harmony-driven mid-tempo piece marking the comeback of the rock flute. The third is another vocal pretty party, but this time with more sass.

6) "Helplessness Blues" - It's like if Bob Dylan and Paul Simon collaborated on a song and then Simon and & Garfunkel performed it. Meaning, interesting lyrics with an actual melody, and beautifully performed. But what really makes this song perfection is the breakdown at the end where the vocals go from full harmonies to solo Robin Pecknold and back again.

7) "The Cascades" - Instrumental titled for the mountains I can see if Seattle is actually sunny. Again, very Zoso.

8) "Lorelai" - Not this love song, it's full of realizations and regret, maybe. Anyway, it's beautiful.

9) "Someone You'd Admire" - This song is precisely what it feels like to be lying awake at 3am thinking too much.

10) "The Shrine/An Argument" - Another song with movements, this song is some sort of ode to a former relationship. The first movement contains the grittiest vocals I've ever heard from Robin Pecknold, and I wish I could hear more of it. In fact, this haunting part reminds me a little of Traffic's folkier forays. Then the second movement is a chugging train of anger. Yes, I just wrote that sentences. The third movement is just a complete loss of center, complete with disconcerting prog rock woodwind solo. I guess it's a deeper break-up song than "Without You."

11) "Blue-Spotted Tail" - I hate to compare again (that's not true, I'm just using the same example), but solo Paul Simon with a tinge 21st century hipster. Maybe the Shins? But mostly just solo Paul Simon.

12) "Grown Ocean" - New comparison? Fine. Brian Wilson-like precision.

Overall assessment: Similar flavor to their previous work, but more adventurous. I can see echoes of late-60s/70s harmony-driven folk rock and brilliant but sometimes distancing prog rock. I'm just glad it leans more toward the folk rock end with a dash or two of pop. Great album.

Live blogging "The Voice"

2011-05-10T23:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, I need to confess that I've been watching "The Voice." It's kind of like a nicer "American Idol" in that they cut out all the truly crazy before they start filming, thus cutting out the schadenfreude. But mostly, I have a regrettable crush on Adam Levine who is one of the...choosers/coaches? Anyway, here we go:

:02 Review of what's happened so far. Blah blah blah, battle rounds, Carson Daly's generic voice. Hopefully I won't have to watch him awkwardly hug someone today.

:04 Christina Aguilera is surprisingly endearing.

:06 "Tone, pitch, and face."

:07 I want to know where they get this mood music. Is there a bank of music where reality shows get their music?

:08 Personal story involving the Grammy's. Bored.

:09 "Single Ladies"= yawn.

:11 Adam Levine is sporting a beard. This is delightful.

:12 Blake Shelton is making a Rocky reference. I would love it if he would narrate my life.

:16 Oh good, Frenchie won. Honestly. She's a class act.

:17 "Burning Love" by Elvis. Lol Blake Shelton.

:18 Gay Mormon! Reba! This show has everything!

:20 Blake and Reba are so wise: you're not required to do runs even if you're good at them.

:25 "Burning Love" at least is a weird choice, if not that much more interesting to listen to than "Single Ladies."

:27 I'm overwhelmed by these two guys breakin' it down.

:29 The country kid Patrick is going on. Poor gay Mormon.

:30 Adam has chosen "Leather and Lace." I LOVE THAT SONG. Ahem. I'm just glad this is a guy-girl duet.

:31 Adam once again extolling the virtues of simplicity.

:33 Stevie Nicks: "a bad bitch." Amen, Adam.

:38 This girl Casey sounds like a ditz when she talks.

:39 Except she sounds good as a singer. The guy is okay.

:40 ~Harmonies~

:41 Christina's rocking some animal print. She makes me like it.

:43 Literally went to a commercial break righat after Adam says, "So-" New levels of cheap suspense.

:47 Casey wins the round. Awesome.

:48 Cee Lo is wearing a lot of red. Literally every aspect of his outfit is red except his necklace.

:49 Monica is Cee Lo's advisor! Where have you been?

:50 "Less Than Perfect" is the worst song choice so far. Pink hasn't been good since "You Make Me Sick," am I right?

:56 Vicci and Niki are doing there best with this boring song. Mostly, they are are both short people.

:57 Awwww, they did some duet eye contact.

:58 Vicci wins. She's adorable and a little sassy.

:59 Group hugs?

Previews: "Stand by Me": gross. Cee Lo saying, "There will be blood": I'll go with it.

Blossom Dearie in the Spring

2011-04-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day in Seattle, so let's listen to Blossom Dearie sing about spring.

"It Might as Well Be Spring"

Rodgers and Hammerstein en francais.

"They Say It's Spring"

So cute.

"A Fine Spring Morning"

So sweet.

More proof that I might be the female Abed

2011-03-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

His dorm room has a poster for Vibes, one of my newest favorite movies:

Musical Addition

2011-03-09T17:30:00.003-08:00

The piano rhythm from Cold War Kids "Audience" (2009)

the "ooo"s from Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" (1991)

Foster the People's "Houdini" (2011)

Buscemi Love

2011-02-17T16:35:00.003-08:00

I celebrate Steve Buscemi over at take148.

Medley of the Day: Statutory rape edition

2011-02-09T01:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, lyricists don't obsess about a specific age (like 16 or 17), but address the underage (and/or infantilized) female populace in broader terms. The late '60s seemed to be breeding ground for this kind of magical pop music that both preys on and fears female sexuality. It's surprisingly catchy!

"Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap (1968)

Choice lines: "You better run girl", "You led me to believe/you're old enough to give me love/and now it hurts to know the truth", "That come-on look is in your eyes"

Moral: Always check ID's.

"Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon" by Neil Diamond (1967)

Choice lines: "Don't let them make up your mind", "Girl, you'll be a woman soon/soon, you'll need a man"

Moral: Young women really need an older man to look after them and to shape and limit their world view.

"Little Girl" by Syndicate of Sound (1966)

Choice lines: "You didn't do nothin' that hadn't been done before", "You got nothin' to hide and everybody knows it's true"

Moral: Just to be clear, I'm calling you a slut.

"Run for Your Life" by The Beatles (1965)

Choice lines:"Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl than to be with another man", "Baby, I'm determined/And I'd rather see you dead"

Moral: The patriarchy has control over your sexual choices.

I finally figured out why I didn't like Blue Valentine

2011-01-31T22:10:00.003-08:00

It is the cinematic equivalent of this song:

Quick explanation: the guy is douchebag. Of course you don't marry the guy who threatens to jump off a bridge if you don't tell him something deeply personal. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

Medley of the Day: Prom edition

2011-01-12T23:51:00.003-08:00

Mostly because these indifferentiable songs seem to only appear in shows/movies that involve the big school dance--which is further proof that the media is far removed from the truth. No one's high school played songs like this. You can't freak dance to this mellowness.

"Fade into You" by Mazzy Star (1994)

Appeared in Angus (which, PS, is a terrible movie about a high school outcast learning self-confidence. It was almost unwatchable, and this is coming from someone who voluntarily sat through Lucas the other day) and the Gilmore Girls episode "Rory's Dance."

"Wild Horses" by The Sundays (1992)

Appeared in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "The Prom," also known as the end of the glory days of Buffy.

School of Rock 2

2010-12-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing that rock establishes, it's that women are no good. In fact, they are the embodiment of evil. As a woman, I can neither confirm nor deny this thesis. I can however, compile a chronological list of songs containing the words devil, evil, and wicked in reference to women in the title.

1. Let's be honest, this theme's got deep roots in the blues. Here's Skip James' "Devil Got My Woman" (1920s/30s).

2. This even caught on with New Zealand's Elvis Presley, Johnny Devlin. "Wicked Wicked Woman" (1958ish).

3. Joe Hex brings us "Wicked Woman" (Mystery Year) complete with about 234987 key changes.

4. This one is a little more R&B and is also the best thing ever. "Wicked Woman" by Lynn Johnson (Mystery year)

5. Hell, even country got in on this. With a Spanish guitar flair. Here's Marty Robbins' "Devil Woman" (1962).

6. PJ Proby brings us a cheesy brass section in "Wicked Woman" (1963).

7. Well this is adorable. "Devil in Her Heart" by the Beatles (1963).

8. A blues-based rock epic, heavy on the organ, you ask? Here's "Evil Woman" by Spooky Tooth (1969).

9. I guess we were going to get to actual Satanists at some point. Here's "Wicked Woman" by Coven (1969).

10. "Evil Woman (Don't Play Your Games With Me)" by Crow (1969) was covered by Black Sabbath the next year, but--as you should know by now--a horn section trumps all.

11. So Ringo Starr has a B-Side called "Devil Woman" (1973). Let's be honest: this is awful. In a Meatloaf sort of way. At least he references Sexy Sadie.

12. The honor of my favorite "Evil Woman" song goes to Electric Light Orchestra (1975). Jeff Lynne writes a catchy song. Even better if you can include a cello.

13. Although Cliff Richard comes pretty close, too. Seriously"Devil Woman" (1976) is perfection.

"She's gonna get you from behind."

14. "Evil Woman" by Nightwing (1982) may or may not have been recorded in a garage. Also, crazy prog organ solo.

15. I draw the line of anything after this. For the most part it includes some magnificent covers. Suffice it to say, Shy's version of Cliff Richard's "Devil Woman" is my favorite.

Evilly yours,

Kelsy

Guys,

2010-11-22T16:24:00.000-08:00

The universe really wants me to be in the mood for Christmas. I mean, it's snowing in Seattle in NOVEMBER, and it reminded me of how much I kind of miss the way snow dampens sound and simultaneously mutes colors and reflects light. I miss real winter.

So, as a pre-Thanksgiving Christmas treat, the Cambridge Choir performing "Gabriel's Message."

(Or, if you prefer Sting's version)

Do you like the 70s and like to remember what you learned from college?

2010-11-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

Then I have an awesome 4 part series from John Berger, who wikipedia tells me is "an English art critic, novelist, painter and author. His novel G. won the 1972 Booker Prize, and his essay on art criticism Ways of Seeing, written as an accompaniment to a BBC series, is often used as a college text."

No kidding. Anyway Ways of Seeing is actually a very interesting way to look at the purposes of visual art, how people perceive that art, and how the oil painting tradition of Western Europe has influenced how art is used today.

What I liked most about this series is how much Berger concentrates on personal reactions to art and keeping honest about what the messages these pieces of art are portraying. In the first couple episodes, he takes time to discuss art with first, a group of children and how they perceive a painting, and second, how a group of women feel about how women are portrayed in nude portraits. I think it helps his argument immensely by taking it outside of the blue-background studio where his talking head bits are recorded. The series also does a good job of letting a viewer make conclusions for themselves, quietly juxtaposing pictures, but then also emphasizing that this was on purpose to send a message. How meta!

Anyway, take 2 hours and watch the whole series. Part 1 of each episode and a description below:

Episode 1: An interesting view on how reproducing great works of art has decreased it's worth in terms of it's original intent/setting, but also how that has increased the value of works of art so much that it has become its own religion. He also touches on how cinematic elements changes art for a television screen.

Episode 2: How the female nude is different from just nakedness, how that is linked to female identity, and how the principles of female nudes in oil paintings are still seen today.

Episode 3: Berger discusses the messages from the oil portrait tradition (basically, "I'm rich"), and how paintings opened the doors for consumerism.

Episode 4: Focuses on modern advertisements and what they cause a consumer to do (imagine a potential future), and how that compares to oil paintings of the past. It also touches on how absurd it's become.

PBS is lovely

2010-11-01T22:59:00.001-07:00

Because it reminded me how adorable Rupert Graves is (you're still looking good, you silver fox). He plays the boss to the crazy and caustic Sherlock Holmes on ~~House~~ Sherlock. No really, it's basically House with British accents. Mix in some Martin Freeman as Doc Watson and of course I'm watching this.

Re: For a Few Dollars More

2010-10-30T12:29:00.002-07:00

Why do all of Sergio Leone's villains have such pretty eyes?

Re: Howard Keel

2010-10-23T21:21:00.001-07:00

Does Howard Keel always play the worst boyfriend ever? I mean, he masterminds the kidnapping of innocent women with the aid of misguided book-learning, and then he beats up his BFF and secret love, and now I find that he spanks his ex-wife on stage during a musical rendition of Shakespeare's creepiest love story?

Why are any of these women clamoring back to him. I mean, I'm a fan of a tall drink water and a deep voice as much as the next person, but goodness, there has to be a line in which you think "dealbreaker."

I don't know. Maybe if you're into the physically domineering type. And I can't say I'm against all that facial hair he sports:

And those gams! Has anyone seen this one (Jupiter's Darling)? It looks awful, in the best way possible.

Duets

2010-10-13T16:04:00.004-07:00

Last night's episode of Glee didn't want to make me shoot myself so, I wanted to celebrate the most ridiculous thing about last night's episode--which was ridiculous delightful, not ridiculous cut myself--with you.

Compare Barbra's outfit...

...with Rachel's:

David Bowie might be next

2010-10-12T18:59:00.001-07:00

Mmm...forearm.

Are you seeing how good he looks in suits? 80s fashion was kind to David Bowie in a way that is inconceivable. Anyway, I think I've warmed up to David Bowie enough that to start becoming a true fan. Recently, I can't stop listening to this song:

Anyone have any album/film recommendations?

Medley of the Day: Money edition

2010-10-07T23:55:00.001-07:00

"Money Money Money" by Abba

Fun fact: This music video was heavily inspired by the song below.

"Money" by Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey from the 1972 film Cabaret

Why is this performance so awesome?

CABARET - Money
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Medley of the Day: This was actually a medley in the first place

2010-09-27T20:06:00.001-07:00

Anyone who has read this blog long enough knows of my not-so secret love of Sting. It's not because I love and adore everything he's ever written/performed (at least 30% of it is too bizarre to really enjoy listening to), but when Sting's good, he's good. And if I can look at him while he's being good at playing music, even better. Here he is performing "Why Should I Cry for You" (1991) and "Be Still My Beating Heart" (1987) in a sweet yellow vest.

Check out Dominic Miller's hair: what part of the 90s is this?

While watching Easy A...

2010-09-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

...it occurred to me that the charming Emma Stone:

reminds me of the charming Lauren Graham:

I think it's partially to do with the pop culture-laden dialogue of Easy A that matches the similarly scripted Gilmore Girls. But also just find both of them so everyday quirky-cool. Like, at some point in my life I could achieve that level of awesome if I could figure out how to say wonderfully spazzy things that would come out funny instead of weird.

Here's possibly my favorite part of the movie because this was how I spent many-a weekend in high school, sans dog:

Also fun: Ferris Buellering in the shower. I would see this movie again just to catch all the 80s teen movie references. Also, because I have a girl crush on Emma Stone. Also, because it's funny. Did I mention Stanley Tucci looks weirdly good in a Henley shirts? Overshare? Too bad, you now know I found Stanley Tucci mildly attractive in this movie. Now watch this clip of him being ADORABLE.

More Goldblum!

2010-09-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

This time, it's Holsten Pils advertisements, which presumably aired on UK television. Mostly, they involve Jeff Goldblum delivering terrible jokes in a charming Goldblumian way. You're welcome.

German jokes!

Physics jokes!

Geometry jokes!

Salesmen jokes!

Break-up/neurological jokes!

Goldblum!

2010-09-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

Because sometimes you need to watch obscure Jeff Goldblum movies.

Thank God It's Friday (1978)

Apparently it's Friday night and everyone is going to DISCO! Jeff Goldblum plays a womanizing discotech owner. The Commodores are there, along with countless other people in the club including the high school students who sneak in, a horny and really New Yorky guy, an uptight married couple, Deborah Winger, a manic pixie dreamgirl, the over-enthusiastic DJ, and Donna Summer. And most importantly, "the Leatherman" who has an overly long dance scene in the middle of a parking lot:

I'm not sure why this movie exists.

Into the Night (1985)

Like the last 1980s neo-noir film I watched, this movie makes absolutely no sense. Written by the man you brought the world the mediocre TV shows "Beauty and the Beast" and "Moonlight," Ron Koslow is incapable of creating a coherent plotline. Every scene brings a new villain with a new ethnicity. Two very telling things about this film: Dan Akroyd shows up for only 5 minutes at the beginning of the film, and John Landis--the director himself--plays one of the bumbling Persians. Sigh. It switches from emotionless and dull to slapstick to Jeff Goldblum's confused face to some awkward cameo. I think it was supposed to be funny kind of on purpose, but it was so, so terrible. And there's an inexplicable soundtrack by BB King.

Basic plot: Michelle Pfieffer stole some jewels or something and is now being chased by Persians/men of ambiguous ethnicity and makes insomniac Jeff Goldblum help her out. Violent/humorous moments ensue forever.

Honestly, the only highlight was David Bowie:

Side note: was Jeff Goldblum even shot on the same day as the rest of the actors when he didn't have to be? I'm going to go ahead and assume not.

Vibes (1988)

Hey look! A competently made film! It's the sort of movie I would to expect to be on Saturday morning cable in the 90s, except I'd never seen Vibes before. Here's the trailer:

All you really need to know is this: Jeff Goldblum is at his Dr. Malcolm best, albeit with less smarm. He doesn't belong in a disco or a neo-noir, he and his "what the hell am I doing here?" face need to be in comedic roles always. Another thing you need to know: Cyndi Lauper is a good actress. This role required her to talk to a spirit, Louise, the whole time, and she pulls it off beautifully. And the two of them together actually have some cute chemistry. And oh my gosh they tango.

I love comedic action-adventure.